Trust the universe

i know that everything will be ok and i believe that i am on the right path. i had a hard time seeing it today at all, but i decided to let go of my limited perspective and just believe it.

going to law school has really forced me to confront my own mediocrity. i know i’ve dealt with this many times in my past, but i don’t think ever to this degree or for this long. i’ve progressed to the point that i can recognize that exams are not everything and that i actually do have strengths that may not come into play during the whole exam experience. nevertheless, it is a very humbling experience to run into my weaknesses with such full force.

on my way home after my tax exam, i couldn’t help but feel a little defeated. i wondered if practicing law would make me feel like this much of a loser, and if so, then why in the world am i going through all of this. i kind of know the answer to this already. i know that in real practice, i will have longer than four hours to solve four very different complex legal entanglements, and i have seen first-hand how in real practice even good attorneys make mistakes and miss issues and all that.

i’ve been noticing how tired president obama looks lately. i wonder what he thinks of his decision to run for office now – now that the economy and the wars are still such a mess and congress is being so obstructive and everyone seems to criticize every move he makes. maybe i’m just projecting here, but i wonder if he ever questions his own renowned audacity. if he does, it’s probably not more than for a second because everyone else in washington seems to be bumbling around as much as he is. i suppose we’re all just bumbling around to some extent.

people make mistakes all over the place and maybe that’s okay? maybe it’s okay that i am not amazing at performing during exams, because i am challenging myself and extending myself beyond my comfort zone. maybe the idea is to work at extending my comfort zone.

it takes guts, but at what point does it stop being courageous and become foolish? i’m not sure if you can tell before it’s too late.

i was thinking about how much easier my life was in some ways when i was working as tour guide and waiting tables. actually, waiting tables has its own challenges, but really it’s nothing like this. i felt amply competent then, but life was too comfortable. i wanted this challenge. i have to remember that.

i have to remember that i will come out of this, and i have to trust that this is worth something. really, it’s worth what i make of it. so, chin-up and eyes open – there are lessons to be learned and opportunities to be had.

maybe it’s the stress of another set of exams headed my way, seeing my bank account dwindle, and being disappointed by my love life. i could find more things to mention here, but i don’t want to write myself into feeling more negative and overwhelmed than i already do at the surface.

there is just so much uncertainty to the future. it makes me nervous and it makes me wish my present were different, more secure.

maybe i need to visualize more. maybe i need to simplify my life for the winter, hibernate, re-evaluate.

or maybe it’s that i am thinking too much about the future. maybe i need to ground myself in the present more. the present is uncomfortable, but maybe that’s just my attitude problem. maybe some sleep will help.

and then there’s the idea that i should just relax and trust the universe. this lowness is just a perspective thing. i know that calmness is inside me. i can actually feel it a little but it’s as though my mind is dancing around it and getting weary.

sleep and some meditation. that’s my prescription.

this is key. but it ebbs and flows.

lately i’ve been giving in too often to sleepiness, laziness, and preoccupation with the day-to-day. but i keep checking in and so i haven’t drifted far enough to lose momentum. lots of motivation today, in fact, to stay focused on and active in my goals.

i want to do some kind of retreat or workshop this winter. something to keep me on track and help me stay there with more steadfastness. and really, i will need to stay focused and active now to be able to pull off a vacation like that in a couple of months.

can do. can do.

it’s my birthday tomorrow – er, today already, the 23rd of september, the day after equinox, the first full day of autumn. :)

i feel really good about this last year. i feel like i grew a lot. i definitely let go of a lot of fears. i realized that i am responsible for my own life and that i have the power to make or break it. i used to feel at the mercy of the universe, and that vulnerability made me fear the worst in life. my attitude was often so self-defeating. but that began to change last summer and when i hit 30 one year ago, i felt a solid shift. somehow it seemed natural to leave that confounded attitude and insecurity behind, like it belonged to my 20s but my 30s would not be interested. indeed, i began to really feel empowered by the universe. huge progress.

this past year i began to feel my anger and noticed my grudges. i lived with a triggering individual most of the year. my band broke up this past year and there were some difficult feelings there also, some sense of betrayal. i was keenly aware of these negative emotions as they arose and knew that something had to be done about them, but it wasn’t until the end of the year that i decided to really let go of all that negativity. it has only been about a month since, but the decision and the transformation has felt significant.

power and forgiveness. these themes must continue to be refined in this 31st year of mine. i think that one way to carry both of these themes to the next level will be to consciously grow in my kindness to others. i would like to be more giving. this includes smiling more often to extend a little positivity. sharing positivity will definitely help me to feel empowered in this world. it will help me connect with others more and tap more often and deeper into my compassion. i would like to be more considerate of others. this positive connection with others will definitely get the law of attraction moving in my favor.

kindness. of course.

as an extension of that i would also like to work on connecting not only beyond myself, but beyond humans. i want to feel a deeper connection with other species, with the elements, and with planets and stars. this will also take power and forgiveness to a deeper level. it will be a way to transcend my ego and tap into the strength and love and perspective of a universe greater than myself.

what an exciting 31st year i have to look forward to!

i basically lost my part-time job today. instead of regular hours, i’ll be on an as-needed project-based schedule. this likely means i’ll go from 15 hours a week to almost no hours a week.

i’m going to say this must be an opportunity of some sort. i’m not sure what, but i’m sure something better will come out of it. i just need to figure out what.

i wanted to join a particular professional association, knowing it to be an invaluable opportunity to network and possibly meet my future employer/partner. i asked a board member about joining and she said that each school would be picking out two student members to join for free. it would cost $250 otherwise, and really i thought i would pay to join it even if i didn’t get picked because it’s that full of opportunities. so i set my intention to get in one way or another.

the very next day (yesterday), a professor of mine sent me information about the association and who to contact to get on a lottery list of interested students. i sent in my request last night and immediately started imagining my name being pulled out of the hat. this morning, i got an email saying that my name was the first one drawn!

it just seems so right. maybe that’s why i was completely relaxed about it. i know this path is the right one for me and instances like this affirm it all the time. i’m so glad that i can see this. it makes me focused and proactive and completely on the road to success!

i had a nice time with a boy tonight, but i couldn’t really see the connection. he’s too young for me, i think. a cool person, but in a different place than i am. i don’t understand why i seem to attract younger men. maybe it’s just that i’m mostly around younger men, being a student and all. sigh. i was tempted to feel bad about myself and wonder if it will ever happen. fortunately, i felt no need to feel bad about myself. i know that i will find someone who would be a good match for me. i am sure that the universe has that set up in some way. i just need the patience. i’m certainly not very patient about it. really i should be and am working on myself right now. i’m changing. i’m wanting something different, and i haven’t quite figured it out yet. perhaps that’s why he hasn’t come into my life.

progress has definitely been made here. i truly trust that everything will work out in the end. but that’s sort of the next hurdle – “in the end” seems so far away and eschatological.

i want to be able to see everything working out right in front of me, rather than at some end-of-the-rainbow point of the future. although i can imagine myself successful and happy years from now, it’s still difficult for me to believe that good things can happen to me right now. perhaps part of me does not think that i deserve it yet. that needs to change.

i’m glad i’ve been keeping a gratitude journal. it helps me recognize that good things do happen and reminds me that i am capable of happiness, even now. practicing affirmations will be good also to help me realize and recognize my present capacity for happiness and success. i want to start doing those.

i think i need to make a vision board too.

i am feeling really good about this goal. even though there remains a lot of unsettling in my life, i feel less at sea than i did a year, even six months, ago.

i found this extremely inspiring: http://kalman.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/04/23/may-it-please-the-court/

it’s a lovely, whimsical essay about law, justice ginsburg, and fierce women who end up being tremendous. how did they get so fierce and how did they become so tremendous? courage and self-confidence. that’s my take-away lesson of the last few weeks.

how does justice ginsburg feel about being the only woman on the supreme court? she says it’s lonely. i was talking to my best friend about this recently. we noticed that as we grow older, we learn more and more about ourselves and how unique we are from everyone else. often these things that make us so different are our great strengths and gifts to the world, but it can be difficult to allow ourselves this uniqueness and to shine and stand out among everyone else, like justice ginsburg pursuing law when so few women did or eleanore roosevelt with her “improbable” hat (from the essay). it takes a lot of courage to follow your heart when it makes you stand out, but that’s the path to beautiful magic and happiness. it’s an unfortunate shame that we fear criticism from others for daring to be different, for daring to be happy. but that’s how we can become tremendous. seems like most criticism of that sort comes from others’ fear of following their own happiness.

what a great essay maira kalman writes/draws.

there have been times in my life that i have managed to sustain self-confidence and those times are invariably my happiest. positive people were drawn to me like a magnet then, and i felt beautiful no matter what. when i slip away from that mentality, i am plagued by insecurity, and all that self-doubt seems to sabotage my life success. i want no more of that.

i’m so glad i decided recently that my spirit fruit was a grapefruit. they’re so delicious! but some people don’t like them. some people think they’re too tart and think it needs sugar added to it or something. but it’s that tarty, juicy, natural sweetness that many people love about grapefruits, myself included. keeping that in mind these days, i’m feeling extra ok with not appeasing everyone’s palate. i don’t need to placate to anyone but my own heart and i just need to be honest with myself and honest with the world. i think that’s how everything in my life will eventually start to fall into place.

i trust the universe. really. but sometimes something about that notion does not sit well with me. i suspect it could be an emotional reaction rooted in a previous overdosing of religion (both christian and new age based). i know that things in life happen for an underlying deeper reason, that everything we encounter provides an opportunity for us grow in consciousness or be of service. but as soon as someone says something about everything being connected on a spiritual level, i feel this visceral repulsion. it’s weird, because i think it’s just another way of saying what i said a few sentences back, what i already understand in my heart. something about it smells like blind faith to me, and that makes me want to run in the other direction.

it was an interesting observation, because it’s a reaction i had more frequently a few years ago. six years ago i got really burned out on yoga and decided to become a realist. for years after that all that new age spiritual jargon made me roll my eyes and sigh with relief that i was grounded enough not to buy into the fairytale.

but continuing to pay attention to the way my life plays out and walking my path as consciously as possible, i have come to understand more of what it means to trust the universe. though not entirely, of course. i think i need to sit with that feeling of doubt a little more and discover what it has to show me.

it occurs to me that there is definitely fear there. fear of what? that i am out to sea? that i am on my own? that i am disconnected? that i do not have the strength to make it through my life? on an intellectual level, i know that is not the case. this is from something old. it could be from so many past experiences.

good to notice that bit of emotional doubt. better to notice that the doubt does not have such a strong hold on me, that i can still trust despite that voice, that the voice is just a ghost of the past.