not take things so personally

lately when i feel slighted or get my feelings hurt, i manage to keep the whole thing from blowing out of proportion by remembering this goal – not to take it so personally. i acknowledge my disappointment and even allow myself to feel any anger that arises, but i make myself think of the bigger picture.

i repeat in my head, “it’s not all about me,” like a mantra until i manage open some compassion in my heart. it helps. i find i am able to consider the other person’s perspective and better recognize my contribution to the situation. the hurt is still there, of course, and often so is the anger, but it is far less volatile and all-around forgiveness comes more easily. i’m definitely more rational about the whole thing and i’m able to learn from it better.

i’ve had a small series of letdowns lately and i feel like this has been well practiced. i’m calling it done for now.

i think i’ve been doing fairly well with this goal. i even rose to some challenges that would have bowled me over months ago.

i deserve a gold star for this one: the beautiful, fun, inspired band that i co-founded and have played in for three years is falling apart. i’m not really sure what is going on with it, actually. long story. three of the members have taken de facto control over its fate and are steering it in a direction that pushes away two of the other members (myself included in the latter group). the other girl being pushed aside and i have been watching this mutiny unfold together and have managed to support each other through this sad turn of events. there have been plenty of opportunities for me to take things very personally, given the heart-sensitive subject matter and close friendships involved. i know though that it is not about friendship or talent. it’s about scheduling problems (i rarely can make it to practice), combined with the facts that we don’t have a committed drummer, that we have different goals and visions for the project, and that someone is going through major life changes and “acting out” in reaction to the stress of it. it’s a mess and it’s a shame and it’s sad, but it’s nothing personal. i’d rather have my band back in love with each other but if that’s not going to happen, give me a gold star for being such a sport!

i am on my way by recognizing my emotional reactions as such and not identifying with them.

despite my mind coming to terms with getting verbally assaulted a couple of weeks ago, i’ve been walking around with a sore heart. i notice immediately when i take even little things personally. i know better now, but it is still difficult to keep the emotions from rising.

i have noticed that these emotional reactions are often driven by far more than the triggering event. the bulk of the weight seems to be from past grievances, disappointments, and patterns.

for example, i had plans to meet a friend at a particular time, but he kept me waiting for him for 45 minutes! without calling. with exams looming, my time is extremely precious to me. i felt disrespected. my irritation ballooned when i thought that he might have done this to get me back for times i was late. so, not only did he have to bear the weight of all those times i felt overlooked and not taken seriously, but he also had to bear the emotional backlash of my own guilt. (i always call, but i’m sure it irritates people regardless.)

he finally showed up and explained circumstances that were beyond his control. he apologized for not calling, but the circumstances had annoyed him also and he wanted to move on with the evening, have a good time, and leave that behind him.

i really, really wanted to just let it roll off my back. i wanted to let it go. he intended no harm, and nothing could be done about it now. but my irritation clung to me. after a few minutes i had to confess my annoyance and i asked for some chocolate to make it better. it did a little. ;) it gave my emotional baggage the little push it needed to go away.

a few days ago, the guy who yelled those mean things at me and got me focused on this quest apologized. first via text and then in person. i acknowledged it. i told him that i appreciated his apology, but that i was not quite over it. that was the best i could do at the time. my emotions around the whole thing have dissipated some. i wonder if can manage to let go of it all together.

it’s funny, i had a dream the other night that monsters came up from the basement wearing sheets. they announced themselves before coming up, however, and although i was definitely frightened at their arrival, i took it as fact and braced myself to deal with them.

that’s pretty good. i think i’m making progress.

i get this. i really do. it’s not about me. people react to their limited perceptions and act/speak/judge from wherever they are in their lives. all of that has nothing to do with me. i get that.

i only need to be responsible for myself, my own thoughts, judgments, words, and actions. i can only acknowledge where i could have behaved differently, learn, and then move forward. there is no need to take everything to heart. that would be like taking responsibility for everyone’s limitations in addition to my own.

i know all this, but it is still difficult not to take things so personally. i think i know why. two reasons: 1) my sense of center is weak, and 2) i am so proud.

something like this takes a warrior’s heart, and i have been neglecting my training. the personal attack i endured last week should have bounced right off of me; instead it shook me and i fell. it wounded me, and it didn’t have to. had i had a stronger sense of self and a firmer footing on my path i would have seen this person’s attack for what it was—an unstable person lashing out at me in defense. it should not have reached me the way it did. the problem was that in the frenzy of my busy graduate school life, i have been neglecting my spiritual/emotional health. i have allowed insecurities to cultivate and this person knew exactly where to aim. whatever. i know what i have to do now.

right, so just when i think i can move past this, my pride kicks in demanding apologies and insisting others meet me at my level and conform to my expectations of behavior. bonus: my pride holds grudges and wants to keep me from letting go. but pride is useless and can only slow me down. i can make the decision to let this go.

i need to read the art of war.