stop holding grudges

it’s easier to forgive when life is going well. or maybe it’s one of those chicken or the egg questions. is it easier to forgive because my heart is otherwise light and happy, or is my heart light and happy because i have forgiven? either way, the happy heart has no room for grudges.

the actions that led to my being hurt came from such a limited, small-minded place and time and experience have expanded my perspective since. it seems silly now to keep validating the bumbling offenses of the past by remaining affected.

remembering to exercise compassion has been the most helpful with this goal. not taking things personally and staying strong in my own heart and mind no matter what other people are trying to put on me.

but this is the ultimate: i saw an amazing video in my alternative dispute resolution class a couple of weeks ago. in a victim offender reconciliation program, a woman confronted her brother for the first time in 13 years. the last time she saw him, he was going to prison for raping her. he raped his own sister. unbelievable. turned out, he had been raped as a child and had never dealt with that, so as an adult he acted out on his sister. he was so sorry. the pain he carried around was heartbreaking, actually. at one point she thought that he had destroyed her completely. she almost killed herself, but then decided to get her life together. she refused to let him have that power over her. when she had a child of her own she decided that she wanted to put that incident and all its darkness behind her. they met, cried, and she actually forgave him. she forgave him for that horrific act. on the one hand, it blew my mind that she could do it, but on the other, it made sense. they had both grown from it. he realized what a monster he was and decided that he did not want to be that anymore and she realized that she had the strength to pull herself together, be whole, and thrive again, even after the unthinkable. growth all around. tears everywhere.

good grief, if she can forgive, i’m sure i can find some way to let bygones be bygones for the little trespasses i have endured. i’ll likely keep getting hurt, but i think that forgiveness has become much easier for me now.

this goal is done!

grudges are more or less stale anger. i see now how harmful anger can be and stale anything is just gross.

for the last few weeks, every morning and evening i have been affirming my desire to let go of negativity and to live with compassion. when i encounter someone who has injured me in the past, i have to actively remind myself to have compassion and to let go of the past.

i had opportunity to practice this yesterday, in fact. i ran into someone who was very close to me at one point until an unspoken falling out. lots of hurt feelings on my part. he tried to reach out to me with jokes and chatter about interests we shared. i did not resist. at least, i made efforts to not resist. it remains a challenge, but i am pleased that i remembered to try and that is huge progress.

all this negativity i have been holding on to over the years has been poisoning my heart and my body. i am truly ready to let it go. it’s useless and limiting and feeds the ego.

i have done a few purification rituals recently during which i expunge all those old grudges. when i connect to my heart like that i can see clearly that all those old offenses were not about me at all and anyway they are in the past. in that space i can see the bigger picture and i am moved to forgiveness, patience, and compassion.

these rituals have been incredibly powerful for me and my heart really feels different now, lighter. i will repeat the ritual a few times to help it stick, and in a few weeks i have an appointment to see a couple of healers, for whom i have tremendous respect. that should help me move past any residual blocks.

i think i am really onto something here.

my mother. can i forgive her for constantly disappointing me? phrased that way, i can see already that i might just need to alter the expectations i have of her. then she wouldn’t disappoint me so much.

but it’s more her past disappointments i have trouble forgiving. she’s still pulling the same crap she used to pull when i was a child, and i was fiercely angry at her then. certainly, my expectations of her are different now that i am an adult, and i think we are more or less comfortable in our reversed roles. only now, when i see that familiar pattern of hers, i get more angry simply because it is the same b.s. that deprived me of a mother when i was a child.

a good friend advises me to “rise above” this pattern we play out; that is, recognize it, name it, learn from it, and forgive. i’ve managed to recognize and name this pattern, but i’m stuck at the learning from it stage. i think i have been too blinded by anger to learn much from it. my friend says that once i figure out how this pattern has conditioned me in my other relationships and clear up whatever messes in my life have resulted from it, then i will be less angry and perhaps be able to forgive. i have not yet begun to see how i have taken this into other relationships. i should really start paying attention.

my father. can i forgive him for dying? maybe. i just miss him so much.

good grief. i started thinking about a former boyfriend who broke my heart repeatedly. our emails have gotten friendlier recently and i was thinking about how nice it would be to spend some time together as friends. i loved him more than i loved any other lover, and it would be beautiful to salvage a friendship from our relationship. but then i started thinking about the way he treated me during those bad times and my heart hardened with mistrust and anger. even the thought of certain friends of his makes me want to keep snubbing them all.

it’s kind of terrible. it’s like letting him break my heart all over again, only this time it is completely unnecessary and my own doing.

it’s my #@*&%! pride. i’m sure of it. i’m a slave to it sometimes and it drags me down to dark places. i want to forgive. i want to let go of past grievances, but my pride won’t have it. trouble is, i really don’t know how to shut it off.

well, at least i know what my problem is. i hope that holding this awareness will lead me to opportunities to work through my dumb pride issues. ugh.

my acupuncturist told me that this chronic problem i’ve been having is due to stagnation in the liver. according to traditional chinese medicine, the liver controls anger and depression. so anger/depression can cause the stagnation and the stagnation can cause anger/depression. i think that means letting go of my anger could also help my health. yet another motivator.

i think it would be good to list all the people i still resent, elaborate exactly why i was angry in the first place, and reflect on why i should hold on to the anger or let it go.

it should be an interesting exercise. i’ve decided to do the master cleanse in january. right after the new year. if i can manage to complete my list and reflections by then, it will be easier to clear away the emotional sludge as well.

so i went out of my way to be friendly to someone who went out of his way to hurt my feelings (big time) recently. my less forgiving self wanted to leave our encounter at a terse “hey” and quickly make my exit. but i know he is having a hard time right now and that he is lonely, so i asked how he was doing. to be extra friendly, i offered some of my own personal updates (e.g., got a haircut i like). it felt good to not give in to my resentment. still, part of me wishes i had not offered that extra bit of personal info. that’s mostly a trust issue. i seriously do not trust him.

upon reflection, i think it would have been ok to leave out that info. i can forgive him, but i am under no obligation to trust him anymore, right? not after he violated that trust in a big way. it is enough to inquire as to his well being. recognizing this kind of boundary could be enough for me to go ahead and let the resentment go. maybe part of why i hold onto my resentment is because i am afraid he will violate my trust again, but if i no longer give him an opportunity to violate my trust, i have no reason to fear.

i’ve heard that anger is a secondary emotion; it usually masks either hurt or fear – often both. i am mostly over my hurt, but it’s the fear that has been holding me back. yes, i think i can be pleasant without offering him another opportunity to hurt me. so long as fear no longer applies, i should be able to let that resentment go.

damn if i’m not figuring this out! awesome. i think i am actually getting closer to accomplishing this goal.

first, when someone says or does something to me that seems unjustified and really hurts, i’m not sure how i can move past it. i can be emotionally intense. when my heart gets involved, it’s serious. although i have managed to forgive most of these people at least on an empathetic, intellectual level, i still have a hard time letting go of my anger/hurt. i’d like to get to a place where the sight or thought of them does not re-trigger those feelings. this will certainly require some journaling and maybe some counseling. it’s a matter of letting go of the emotional baggage.

second, how can i let go of the emotional baggage without feeling like i am letting these people who have hurt me get away with it? maybe it doesn’t make sense, but regardless, i think this could be part of the reason i am holding on to my anger here. i have this idea that if i stop being angry at them, i am somehow condoning their trespasses. it’s as if i do not want them to forget the error they made with me. wow. that sounds so ego-driven. i suppose it is. maybe things will get clearer as i work through that emotional junk, but as it stands now i can’t help but think that letting go of this anger is somehow letting them win (ah! more ego) or like i am letting them get away with something they should not be getting away with. sigh. it’s not a healthy attitude.

i have to figure this out. i’m sure i do not want to carry all that unnecessary anger anymore. i just need to get over my reluctance. maybe i should renew my search for a counselor. in the meantime: journal, journal, journal.