Look at life as art. Make it beautiful.

yes, i am over him and i am doing good with my life. i am adjusting to the life without him. but there are still one of those days that i miss him and i miss us. today is one of those days.. it’s not a kind of pain or something. but it’s just i can’t help thinking about us. i start to feel grateful for this breakup now. it’s not that i want a breakup for a long time but what happened happened. it’s a life changing. i am beginning a new chapter of my life. this situation has changed me vastly and i’ve found new things when each day approaches me.

sometimes, i keep thinking and worry about him. i know he is in pain too and he will be fine but it’s just the old habit dies hard. i always worried about him when we were together. he is working offshore for nearly a week now and hasn’t called me since he left. i hope that he is coping well.

i am doing well. i take better care of myself. eat right, on time, more veggies and fruits. run more than before and i am trying to go out swimming once a week. before i would wait and postpone to do things like these. i just wanted to do and share it with him. but now, i just give it a go without thinking a second thought or asking if he wants to join me. i do what i feel like i want to do. i go out and drive my car running errands around town more.. i have no problem with doing things alone but previously i just kind of enjoyed shared moments..

i am not sad. i just miss us sometimes. i’ve some plans after the school break with my girlfriends. we are hopping to samui island together for a weekend and then i will go to bangkok to meet with old freinds for about 10 days.. it will be a great time and an awesome break… i really can’t wait..

yesterday after dave left, i felt a bit empty and lonely. as i said not that i was into him but the feeling of having a friend around helped me getting away from the empty moment for a while. at least, he kept me busy while he was around. i texted him in the evening but just silence came back. it’s so typical of him, the city boy. i guess he is back to his city life, partying with friends. so i phoned one of my girlfriends. we mostly contact via postcards since we left uni. i feel safe talking to her. she gave me some provoking thoughts. she had been through few breakups and managed to laugh about it now. talking to her, i felt a lot better. at night after closing my shop, silence crept in. i still felt like talking to some friends. i didn’t know who to talk to. i scrolled down my phone list and decided to call ‘toto’, one of my male friend from uni. we talked once in a while but we are pretty close. it was 9 pm, and he just got back from work. he asked what’s up? i said i was brokenheart. i know i was desperate but it sounded like a joke when i said it. he laughed bc i didn’t sound that hurt and sad. i said i passed the shocking and crying stage but i was pretty lonely and needed a friend to talk to. i barely felt lonely before and that was why i felt i was so deperate. i told him honestly and frankly. i needed to get things off my chest and needed some enlightment from him. god, i really sounded hopeless, but at least, i told myself, i was honest with my feeling and my friends..

i talked to him for a while and he gave me male perspectives on this thing, cheating, which helped open my eyes. he is one of those guys who act like pt. i knew he is capable of cheating. i knew this since we were in uni. he said he was facing that shit himself too but he was the active not the passive. but i don’t judge him or hate him. i know naturally he is a good person. he told me if pt was a good guy and this was just a mistake he made, i should forgive him and got on with my life without him. at least stay friend with him. i knew i was going to do this sooner or later. so after talking to ‘toto’. i called pt. i hesitantly dialled his number. i hadn’t talked to him for a week. i still cried my eyes out while talking to him. it still badly hurted. but i wanted to get it done. i wanted to clear everything with him. i knew he was in pain too. i told him i forgive him. i was not angry at him anymore. i knew he was a good person. he took good care of me while we were together. i knew it was a mistake. i told him i forgave him. i did this for myself and for him. i wanted to free myself, for my own sake. if i still hold the grudges, i won’t be happy and i can’t start fresh with my new life. i told him we can be friend. i know it’s too soon. it’s just a week. but the sooner i can get this done, the better i will feel. so i decided to do it last night. i kept telling him, ‘i forgive you’, ‘i forgive you’. and that made me feel much better and lighter. after talking to him, i could sleep tight, for the first time in a week. and i woke up without feeling disoriented. this morning, i felt like i’ve gained myself back. i feel happier, lighter and better. i felt the pain has been lifted off my chest. but i still need more time to heal. i know i sound desperate but i want to get over with it. and i need to write it out.

before, i didn’t think i would need a friend to talk about this. i thought i just would just cure myself, take time alone for a while and then phew! things would get to normal. i was wrong. i need to talk to friends to get through this. i passed the crying stage so i could talk to them with a laugh or two. i don’t want to talk about it to my friends when it was still fresh. i don’t want them to hate him. surely, seeing me hurt and crying, they won’t think good about him. people make mistake and pt can do it too and i want to forgive him.

writing it out here while trying to get back on my own feet hugely helps me walk through it. i know the best way out is going through it. and now i am trying my best to put this behind and go on with life…

i guess i have to get back to look for something to write everyday again. this will keep me sane and concious with life on a daily basis. it’s time to move on. i must admit that i have been lost since breaking up with pt last week. .. yes, this was the shit i was trying not to talk about. but truth is truth. he cheated on me. i was shocked, horribly hurt, miserable but after sitting and talking to him when he came to collect his things, i think i can forgive him. i think i’ve forgiven him already. it’s just another mistake he made in his life. but surely, things won’t be the same again. i am going to take some time to think about the new me. the me that doesn’t have him around anymore. this is new to me. after 12 years. it breaks my hearts. my trust was betrayed. i fall apart. i feel lonely. i feel lost. i am disoriented when waking up after falling asleep. but i am picking up the pieces and glueing them together. i am broken. i am flawed. i am shattered. but i am learning to know the new me… i am trying little by little.. this is not so easy after that long commitment.. ::sign::

dave left for bangkok this afternoon. getting off the car, he gave me a hug and the last word he said to me..’be strong’... that means alot to me but while driving off the airport, i felt a wee bit lonely again. i don’t want to go back to feeling emty but i can’t help it and i know this thing takes time. the jokes he made via text last night made me have a real laugh for the first time. though, we haven’t seen, talked, emailed or texted each other often, we are pretty good friends to one another and i’ve missed him already.

and now it’s time to get back to work. the show goes on. life moves on. i get hurt but i will get better. sooner or later.

After Phun was born, so many things about my sister have surprised me. One of the things is her mother’s instinct. Naturally, She is very protective to our nieces, nephews and her own baby. But she had never held a little baby before as she feared to drop them. Apart from her mother, I was the one who carried Py around when she was very little. But when my sister has her old baby, she holds Phun and carries him like he is not her first child. She looks so natural and professional with him. I like to watch when she places him on her lap and talks to him. They look beautiful together and look like they understand each other very well…

Mod and I dropped Nok at her home and we drove back to Hatyai. Along the way, Mod drove slowly so we could have more time to talk and share things. I told and shared her about my life from the past few years that we were living lives apart. She is one of my best friends that I seldomly meet and talk bc of our busy schedules. She has moved to work in Hatyai for 4-5 months and still have barely have time to go out together. But last night, we talked and shared lots of things while driving. It felt so good telling her things and let her know me more, on another side that she had never heard before.

which i still have translation work to catch up and make progress but i felt happier if i went around looking for somewhere to chat with bf. he was back from working offshore yesterday and this afternoon he is leaving for bkk.. god..i had to grab the few hours left before he’s gone again.

we went to oam for cakes, a cup of tea and a tall glass of iced chocolate. and we talked and talked. catched up with things that were left out from our daily phone calls. though, we don’t have much time to spend our lives together, times spent with him are always precious. i took loads of pictures (i guess 50+ up, in just 2 hours that we were out – not his pictures, though. they were pictures of cakes and drinks we ordered during our chat.) i like to capture the moment we spent together.

when you listen to music but you just don’t listen to it, you feel it too and sometimes you want to get up and dance along.

I seem like not getting enough of thissong

• time spent together with py riding her bike and i jogged after her.
• we stopped to take pictures along the road. she learned to take better pictures by using my eddy. she took pictures of her own feet (bc she saw me do it.), flowers, and herself.
• she asked a lot of questions along the way.
• she noticed little things and picked up rocks to show to me.
• she knew a lot of people and said hi to them.
• her parents rode a motorcycle after us and finally passed us but she didn’t want to go with them, instead she sticked with me.
• she becomes an active girl and restless, likes to explore new places.
• when i stopped to take pictures, she wanted to do the same.
• she treated dad’s 2 dogs as her best friends.
• she seemed to enjoy going out and staying out more.
• she loves sunshine.
• she loves hugging.

we went out after the last light of the day disappeared from the sky to the hill of hatyai. driving along the dark curvy road paved with tall rubber trees, we were not so sure if there were still people on the top of the town. surprisingly, we saw night light-viewers sitting in groups talking and facing to the sea of tiny lights flickering all over the town. it was amazingly quiet up there. the night breeze was light and a little bit cool which helped wipe away the nasty heat during the day. people came in pairs and groups to wind down their saturday.
upon arriving there, i set up my tripod on the wet glass topped with evening dew, explored eddy with the new techniques i just found out. wish i was there earlier. the dark orange light from sunset was still lingering in the dark blue sky which was slowly turning fully black in a few minutes.
it’s been a long time that i had a chance to capture the moment like this. so serene and stunning.