Stop Being Miserable

Things hit a major low a few months ago. After reviewing some of the comments I’ve received here and talking with some friends, I decided that now that I finally had health insurance which had mental health coverage, it was time to do something about it all. So I started seeing a therapist. That’s been going pretty well. I like to talk about myself a little too much sometimes and it’s nice (even if I have to pay for it) to do that with someone who’s meant to listen and interpret all that I’m saying. This is better than just dumping a bunch of my problems onto whatever friend might be around at the moment.

I also had a psychiatrist appointment recently. I really like the guy. We actually decided that I have ADHD as well as depression, and have decided to try treating the ADHD first. I feel like my weekends get wasted sometimes, and don’t like how easily distracted I can get at work and how hard of a fight I have to wage in order to just work through some simple problems. This is my first week on prescription for that, and already there seems to be some major progress. With the long holiday weekend now upon me, it will be interesting to see if the same waste and frustration shows up, or if I can get a better grip on things.

One of the reasons we went with treating ADHD over depression is that I felt that if I felt like I put in a better work day and actually got things done on the evenings and weekends, I’d feel better about my life again. There’s a lot that I want to do, but just have not been able to do it, or it can be a big fight against my own distracted mind to do it.

So this is my long overdue update. I’m also maintaining a personal “drug diary” to note how I feel, what I’ve accomplished, what side effects I feel, etc.

I called my health care provider today and got some local names that I can make an appointment with. Not to overplay it, but that was a big first step. I’ll look into making an appointment soon.

For so very long now, I know my brain has been a strange one. It has its genius elements, and there are things that its broken nature are very good at. But I also recognize that the kind of mental/emotional pain I’ve gone through, and the way that I can react to things, and on and on and on, is not all that good for me.

I’ve long been of the two common schools of thought in dealing with this:

1. Be a man, suck it up, you’re just sad, move on (although because I couldn’t really deal with it, people have had to put up with me being quite difficult, or worse).
2. It’s OK to suffer for all of the creative output I get (although I’m often too scattered to channel my creative output properly enough to make a good living out of it)

A phrase I started saying to myself recently is “Take away the madness, and it’s not a bad life to offer…” And finally, recently, I’ve started to come to grips with the idea – “hey, why not take away the madness?”

It’s been a combination of influences – from some episodes of the fifth season of Six Feet Under to some interviews and weblog entries with some really talented people who have gone through this, along with finally having health insurance, including mental health, for the first time in a few years – that has led me to seriously think about calling the number on my health card and starting the process of dampening some of the fires in this burning brain.

The past few weeks have had a lot of intense emotion, going from listless depression to some much more expressive forms of it. But the last couple of days, I’ve felt really normal, for the most part. There are some conversations that come up that can feel me with jealousy and other monsters, but even then, the feelings are far less strong than they have been in previous weeks.

Here’s to enjoying these days and to keeping them around.

This sagging feeling, as reported in the last entry, still has me in its grips. It’s feeling like a full bore depression. A few years ago, I remember similar feelings (five years ago, actually), but without the emotional side. I was just really worn out. I had some clever name for it back then, but I can’t remember what it was… But it was about how it was a non-depressing depression.

But what I’m feeling lately is not like that. I’ve got the exhaustion, again. But my mind also goes into places I don’t want it to go. Regrets, longing, envy, loneliness, and… misery! And I stare at this goal. So well worded – “stop being miserable”. But I feel like I can’t shake this.

I do need to get to a gym, or get my bike working again. Maybe that will get blood flowing, weight dropping, endorphins flowing? But the depression is so strong that I feel trapped by the thought “but what does it matter if no one cares?” which is a terrible thought but… the house feels so empty these days. Friends feel distant, and as I sink into this lethargy, I’ve withdrawn as I realize I haven’t been that much fun. So… Blah.

Bad progress. But a note that has to be made, right? I should journal and think through as much of this as I can in hopes that I can defeat it, even if right now it doesn’t seem worth it.

I’m feeling so damn apathetic and lethargic lately. It’s hard to burst out of it. Misery or not, I’m in a slump. I’ve stopped hanging out with a lot of my regular friends because I’ve realized that I’m just not that fun lately. I have very little energy / drive.

It’s killing me.

I’m still doing little things, and some of the things I produce seem to be actually coming out quite well. But there’s no overarching vision that I can line myself up behind. I am, however, trying to at least keep notes on ideas for assorted art projects so that, perhaps, one of them might inspire me to spring into action. Maybe that will happen now, maybe it will happen later.

I feel like I’m caught down in a city of heartbreak and needles, and just doing things for myself is not all that appealing of a proposition these days.

So…. Not doing well on this goal at the moment, nor for the past few weeks. Still – I wanted to get in a little progress report.

Now that I’ve settled into my new place, my old ghosts and baggage have (expectedly) resurfaced and I find myself in a bit of depression this weekend. It seems like my life is meant to only be shared with notebooks, and my bed is only meant to be shared with extra pillows to wrap my arms around.

I try to live things out as much as I can and I really tend to enjoy a lot of life, especially little moments. Sounds, sights, smells, feels. It’s all around me. But it’s disheartening to realize that there’s no one to come home to and tell “I saw the coolest thing today!”

Six and a half years now of being single. I’m afraid that I can’t be anything but. And while I’m working on reminding myself “don’t let that absence define you,” the fear of being forgotten constantly creeps in.

I found some old emails and chat transcripts this weekend – one from six years ago, one from last fall. They both caused me to pause in my tracks and realize, especially in comparison to the older one, that there are so many parts of my life where it feels like I’m not making progress, or it’s gone backwards. The find from last fall is just too heartbreaking and damning in what it means for me to share it here. But after a rather beautiful week spent enjoying my new place, I feel stuck and sunk again. And I just need to remind myself of this goal – “stop being miserable.”

I’m feeling more together these days, on a general basis. The “contemporary side” of me has kicked in – a little more relaxed, a little more focused. I’ve been listening to more classical music and Jazz and staying a bit more mellow. Smelling good, feeling mostly good, and even went out (alone) yesterday evening and had a decent time at a bar I used to frequent. It wasn’t stellar, but it wasn’t horrible.

The worst thing going on right now is some drama with a girl that is going to be my neighbor soon. Something happened between us, and I’m not sure exactly what. It’s an open loop in my mind. Because she’s the one avoiding conflict, I’m having a hard time closing it. Because she lives on the same block that I’m going to be living on, which is also the same block where my new offices are being built, I have to walk by her place a lot. Often, when I walk past it, I get a sinking feeling inside. My stomach rots, heart drops, etc, and I feel rather upset – this shouldn’t have happened, and it really sucks to feel this way in a place that I otherwise really enjoy and am going to be living.

The feeling passes after an hour or so, depending on other mood circumstances. And right now that’s the only real dark spot.

I’ve been working on David Allen’s “Getting Things Done” system and have been working to organize my life and mind. I’m using notebooks more (I love them and used to use them all the time when I was younger) and am capturing more thoughts, ideas, plans, and actions. I think part of my improved mood is due to finally feeling like I’m getting back on top of things.

It’s also been helpful to use 43Things to journal progress on these goals. It helps me clear my mind while tracking progress on these larger plans.

There is still a lot about myself and my life that I’m not happy with right now, but I feel like I’m taking control of the things I can control and I’m not letting those other things bother me too much at the moment.

I have a problem with Fridays. By late afternoon, as the end of the work day approaches, I often get overcome by a strange feeling. I can feel it in my heart. It’s a sickly-warm feeling (not related to love or anything like that). I’m not sure exactly what it is – some sort of anxiety over the weekend? Anxiety over work stresses, deadlines, etc?

I feel like weekends are times when I disappear from the world and it could be anxiety over that. My focus needs to be on the things that I can do with my weekend that don’t depend on other people, on being with other people, etc.

I started feeling this feeling not too long ago today, despite my positive mood earlier and solid feeling that I can stop being miserable. And I know I can stop if I just acknowledge and work through these strange feelings and moods that have been sneaking unwanted into corners of my life.

This morning my thoughts were dancing about over the past decade. I was remembering some girls in my life and the impacts and influences they’ve had. A couple have had really strong impacts, and also caused a lot of pain. But I have not given enough credit to one in particular. I remembered her then, and also was thinking of how she’s lived her life since then, and I remembered why we were a good match. She’s strong, smart, independent, and has done some amazing things with her life so far. I used to feel that way about myself when I was living on the east coast. For years, I rarely felt anything even close to the miserable state I often feel like I find myself in these days.

In the east, I was truely on my own. Away from old friends, etc. I had a good paying job that I liked and had decent financial freedom and loved to spend time in the cities I had access to (New York, Washington DC, etc), often on my own. It got lonely at times, but for the most part, I was pretty happy.

Since moving back home, I’m thinking that I judge myself too harshly by my friends. I’m hurt that I don’t connect with them well. But on the east coast, I had very few friends anyways (the few I know moved away – we were just at that age where we were prone to scatter). I was comfortable there on my own. Here, I feel out of place / out of sorts if I don’t go somewhere with people. I feel neglected, abandoned, whatever. It’s stupid and foolish. I used to be free of such feelings. Why have I been letting it affect me so much lately?

Remembering the traits that I admire in this friend I was thinking of earlier, and remembering the traits I liked in myself earlier, and remembering how one friend whips me for being too negative these days, I need to really re-think how I’ve been living in the past few years and regain a stronger definition of myself. If people keep letting me down, I should invest my energies back into:

• Art
• Music
• Learning
• Paying down debt so that I can travel freely

(Most of my other ‘things’ on 43things reflect these goals).

Now that I’m starting to pull all of this together, I’m starting to feel pretty good about the future again and maybe – maybe – I can even be comfortable with being 30.