be more romantic

When I ask my wife if I am failing at romance, she always insists that I am. To her being romantic is easy,comes naturally, and is rewarding. To me it seems time consuming and mostly results in, well, more oportunities to be romantic. It’s a bar I’m afraid of setting. Once it starts, it becomes something I will have to live up to or surpass until we break up, or that is how it feels to me.

Why can’t just simply loving someone be considered romantic? What grand gestures do I need to do to “prove” my love, and why should it be something that needs to happen?
When I get her some desert without her asking for it, is that romantic? Usually, when I do this, she asks me what I want from her. Does that mean I am not nice to her unless I want something? I’ve been making an effort not to push her when I want sex, and lately to not even to ask. To me, this feels like I am being LESS romantic. Desiring intimacy, and making this desire known, to me feels like I’m TRYING to be romantic.
But of course I’ve got it all wrong. Romance is not foreplay, in fact it has almost nothing to do with sex. If I am romantic with the hopes of getting sex, I am feel dishonest, as if I am trying to trick my wife into doing something she doesn’t want to do.

Lately she’s wanted sex a little more often, but I don’t think it has anything to do with my efforts to be romantic. I hope wants more sex because she wants to be intimate with me to express her love. I wonder if that is it, or if she just wants to orgasm. I am not complaining one bit; in fact, I wish that was always how it worked! Want sex? She doesn’t even have to ask me for it, just get started and I’ll join in….

This romance thing is a little baffling for me. But I hope to someday get there…

Typical conversation:
“Why don’t we have sex more often?” I ask.
“Why can’t you be more romantic?” my wife replies. “If you are more romantic, you might get more sex.”

Imagine a hunter during deer season. He does what is essential for his chosen task. He’s good, reliable, and ready to do what needs to be done.
He’s been hunting all day, and as it starts to get dark (6:00pm, let’s say) he spots a deer at the far end of a clear field. Naturally it’s a Doe, but that’s okay because it’s Doe season.
The deer doesn’t notice the hunter at first. The wind is blowing the wrong way, and he’s very quiet. The hunter is nearly in position, close enough so he can’t possibly miss. He levels the rifle, sighting in the deer.
Suddenly the deer sees the hunter! Instinctively, she knows she will never get away. So instead of running, she jumps up on her hind legs and starts doing the can-can, tossing up her front hooves into the air as if she were holding a cane.
The hunter drops his mouth open, and lowers his gun. He is in shock and clearly baffled.
In that instant the deer jumps onto all four legs and makes a run for it. The hunter lifts the rifle, but it’s too late, his prey is gone. He is left frustrated and confused, with this feeling of embarrassing failure looming.

I am that hunter. The can-can is the word “romance.” I really need to understand what exactly I need to do so when the can-can happens, I am not so baffled. I want to succeed in such a way that the word is never brought up again, except to describe how other men fail in their marriages.