stop being afraid of rejection

I’m not used to seeking people out. I’m not used to even letting myself like anyone. I started liking a guy. I couldn’t believe it. I surprised myself. I guess it was more being physically attracted to someone though. It takes a lot for me to be attracted to someone. And he is just gorgeous. But anyway, I got the impression his best friend liked me. I got that impression before I full out started liking the guy. I finally hung out with the guy that liked me, just the two of us. I asked him if he wanted to be more than friends. He said that was the intention. I told him I just wanted to be friends. He asked if I was interested in his best friend. I said yes. He forced me to tell his friend that I liked him. Gah. So I did because I didn’t think I would ever have the courage to do so. This probably wasn’t the best choice, looking back. I feel so embarrassed. Especially after he officially told me he wasn’t looking to be in a relationship. And I feel bad for making it seem like I was forcing it on him. Because true, good relationships take time. And I wasn’t asking to be in a relationship. I was just asking if he would be interested in going on a date. But I guess I didn’t say that. But he had his best friend to consider. In terms of relationships taking time, I wonder what the guy who liked me was really interested in. It seemed to move way too fast for me. Does that mean he was just looking for sex? Because there is no way he could expect me to just jump into a relationship with him without even knowing him. And then that makes me think that is what I did to the guy I like. And I feel soooo bad. And then I feel hopeful that I will be able to smooth things over with both of them to be friends with both of them in the hopes that something could happen. Which is so unrealistic. Either way, I put myself out there and got rejected. I need a new approach. But gah nothing ever works out.

Did an speed interviewing thing last night. I was very intimidated by the interviewers. I do not feel like I did well at all. I never know how to answer questions on the spot. I always need time to think about it. But that is what I should do—take a deep breath and at least ten seconds to just think about what the question is that they are asking me. I need to take this time to reflect on what I can change. I need to be more confident. I need to think about how I could make myself stand out when interviewing for a job. And really focus on the words I am using. Vocabulary that sounds more intelligent. I really need to think about the questions that are being asked and how I can give a specific example. And think about my accomplishments. I am afraid I do not have any accomplishments. How to convince someone that I am the perfect candidate. Be more firm in my words. How can I put this all on paper for my weekly journal?

I asked a guy to prom that was totally out of my league. I was so nervous. I knew he was going to say no but I figured I would try just to see what he would say. He said no.