feel beautiful

i didn’t buy the bikini. i just couldn’t do it. this goal is tricky; sometimes i feel like i could cross it off, most of the time i don’t. right now i think it’s going okay :)

this is going badly.

i need something to change.

I’m going to Cairns in June (or more specifically, Louise is taking me to Cairns in June.) My goal is to buy and wear a bikini for the trip. I think if I can do this, willingly and happily, then I will be able to cross “feel beautiful” off my list. And “wear a bikini at the beach” simultaneously so it’s really two birds with one stone :)

So I went out and bought shorts yesterday (I’m wearing them now!). I usually never wear shorts, my thighs are too often a source of misery. But I’m all too sick of wearing jeans in 40 degree weather and figured it was time to wear some freaking cutoffs.

I have a friend who is kind of ‘fixing’ me slowly. I honestly don’t know where I’d be without him. Or maybe I do know. I’d be where I was 8 months ago. In a bad place.

But I’m improving, making progress, learning to love myself more. It’s a slow process and though I’ve got a while to go yet, I think in time I could feel beautiful without the help of the wonderful, amazing people I’m surrounded with.

I have a check-up today at the hospital, to make sure my diabetes is under control. Part of the assessment is checking height and weight. I don’t mind this, what I mind is mum asking if I’ve lost any weight after it. Now, I know I’m not superskinny, but I’m not fat, and I’m in the healthy weight range, yet she always makes me feel like I’m not good enough, like I shouldn’t deserve to love the way I look now. I hate it and I need to find a way to stop it from affecting me. I can’t be insecure and low self esteem forever, can I?

i don’t know how.

i’m trying to learn.