Stop cutting

“HATE”
“FAT”

I hate me…

20 new cuts as of yesturday….
All same area…
I hate me….

I did it again.
Im pretty disappointed with myself, I hadnt done it in almost 2 weeks.
Wow, I’m weak.
But theses ones are some of the best ones Ive done. (Thats kinda perverse)
Oh well, I don’t want to stop.
Well, I do, but i cant, so I’m not going to.
.
Simple as that.

Ive found a way to get around Dan taking my razors.
SInce when he takes them i obviouslt dont have, i just pierce myself. Ha, in the past 2 days ive pierced my ears 3 times, tho if my grandfather finds them he will kill me. Ha, i geuss i win twice there huh?

But yeah, that my way around things, piercings :)

I felt kinda clever to tell you the truth :)

Wow, its been a long time since ive written anything, so i thought that i would give everyone a cheance to get “reaquainted” with me.

I have been cutting for a year on a off. The only reason it is ever off is because my boyfriend, Dan, takes away my razors weekly, if not daily.
This does not stop me from cutting though, though i have gotten better at hiding them from him.

My hips are one of my favorites places. It hurts, they bleed, and Dan doesnt see them. It works out very well for me. My homelife has not been very good lately, and this fact is one of the major reasons as to why i cut.
Though never diaognosed, I have clincal Depression. Dans mother, a theripist, has told Dan this many times, and everytime Dans says, yeah I know, but there is nothing I can do about it.
Also, I have EDNOS. EDNOS, by definition, is an “Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.” My life seems to be getting tougher an tougher theses days, though there really isnt anybody who i can/will talk about theses things to.

But back to cutting, I like to cut words.phrases into my skin. It gets a point across, hurts like f*, which i deserve, and makes me think that Im not as weak as i seem.

You will be hearing more from me, I assure you.

~Thats Life

yeah.

i ahve definaly gotten worse at this goal.
I am very bad at it.
But Dan, being the fabulose person he is, is helping me a lot.
He, as usual, keeps taking away all of my razors, and whenever he does i break down and beg him not to.
its gettin really bad.
the thing id tho, i dont know waht else to do about it.
I ahve no other outlets.
Yes, i know that there are other outlets out there, but none of them seem to work for me.
Ive tryed.
really and truely i ahve.
ive tryed the ice thing.
ive tryed the rubber band thing.
ive thried the writing about it
ive tried calling dan, but none of them work and in the end all i end up doing it cutting myself and feeling like a failure.

i dont know what to do….

help me???

I bought razors, but I don’t plan to use them.
I want to see how long I can go with them being there and fighting the temptation to use them.

...This should be interesting….

: |

I got more razors….

:)

He took them away again.
There were 9 of them.
And he found them all.
And took them.

And things went well for that day, and then most of the day after. Until his brother, being the major asshole that he is, told his mom about the vibrator. (I found out about all this today, while it happoned yesturday.) And then his brother started calling me ugly in front of Dan. Thats one this you dont do. Dan doesn’t care about what you say about him, but if its me then the person who said it better watch out. So Dan, being the loving boyfriend, threw a telephone at his head, broke the phone in the process, and left a gaint lump on his brothers head. Then Dan got lectured about how gros it was to do that on the sofabed (I know right) and then Dan processed to go to his room, punch a hole in his door, kick a hole in the wall, and hit his head on the walls.
The urge to go out and just buy a razor right now is just undescribable. I have never felt the urge more than I do at this moment in time, and yet I promissed, and not to mention I have no way to get to CVS. Goddamnit. Oh well. I have a knife, but its not the sharpest of things.

We’ll see how this all works out in the end now won’t we?

Yeah, I am not good at this goal.
I WAS doing well, but it seems that I just caved under all of the pain that was building up, and it seemed that the only realise that my razor.
Dan saw them. He no happy.
I think that when it comes down to it he is just as hurt as I am. I don’t want to hurt him anymore.
But, this is the only way I know to deal with the pain. It does help me. Though, after, I feel kind of guilty, because I know that I have let Dan and my sister down. I don’t feel bad because of myself. Myself doesn’t mean shit to me. But they seem to care, and I know that when I hurt myself I hurt them too.
I’m sorry my lovelys, but this is my way.

So yes, anyways. A dozen new scrathes. Most on my hip. Easy to hide. Two on my upper thigh. Again, easy to hide.
And, it felt good doing it. I had almost forgotten the sensation of when the blade comes into contact with my skin.
Oh dear.
But, while I was in the middle of cutting, the phone rang. It was Dan. And we talked for about an hour, and then after that, I had no real inspiration to cut.
When it comes down to it, I think that he is my savior. The thing that keep me alive. The thing that holds me together, the thing that gets me through. Without him, there would not be a me anymore. This I know.

But yeah, I failed him.
I failed my sister.
I am pathetic.

But, I am going to try to stop again. As of now it has been 21 hours. Lets see how long it will last this time…...