Stop being depressed

Just when I think I am finally kicking this awful thing, it creeps back.

Do I really want it to go away? Honestly, I don’t know. The darkness and hopeless feelings are so familiar and comfortable, a bit like old friends in a way.

I had a small break through this week.

I unexpectedly fell apart to a totally stranger about my depression in a completely unrelated situation.

I told him everything, about how I am border line alcoholic and that I cut myself…something I have never told anyone.

And this release gave me the courage to full admit to myself that I am in trouble, and if I don’t do something soon I won’t be around much longer.

This talk with this stranger helped me so much I cannot begin to describe it. The way he hugged me at the end made me realise that someone does actually care.

I made the courage to book an appointment with a therapist. The appointment is tomorrow. I am scared shitless but a bit excited at the same time.

Oh and I told my best friend who I had been having issues with about my appointment. I didn’t tell her all (like about the cutting) but just that I had been battling some very dark depression. She was so relieved she said she knew I was in trouble and needed help, she just was not sure on how to bring it up without hurting me more.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Why is it I can have such good days, then the next day be such a massive pile of shit?

Today was awful. My best friend aka house mate is so consumed in her relationship with her boyfriend, I don’t seem to exist.

Why can’t she see I need her? She is almost all I have left and I feel she is slipping away.

She doesn’t seem to care I am drinking myself to death alone every night. She just goes to her boyfriends place and leaves me all alone with my awful thoughts.

Life feels ok at the moment :)

But then again…no one gets out alive.

It all falls apart.

Lately I find just little things seem to set my depression off. A bad week at work or the thought that someone thinks badly of me makes me lay awake for hours picking it all to pieces, then the tears fall.

The fact I haven’t been to the gym in 2 weeks doesn’t help. Being physically active always picks me up. Unfortunately the lack of motivation my depression causes makes actually going to the gym a major task.

A vicious cycle.

I feel so invisible at the moment I think that if I actually disappeared no one would even notice.