Grow in Christ

i like the end of the year for its usefulness in dividing up my erratic and hectic life. to me, it is like having a box full of items i have collected over time, memories i’ve unexpectedly and excitedly gathered. i glean through most of it, picking the times that stuck out most, the times that mattered to me; hard times and simple times. the fond, the friendly, the flustered and frustrating. i evaluate the triumphs, all my endless screw ups that quickly shut any pride up or hilarious self-importance. there is probably an awful lot i missed, lessons i didn’t see, encouragement or problems i didn’t know about.

so, how did it come out, this soon-to-end year of two thousand seven? i’m having trouble deciding what to actually write. it surprises me how much happened this one year.

some great things that happened this year, about which i have mostly already written: i went to new orleans during spring break and learned a lot. my younger brother got married and i gained a sister. i worked in dallas as an intern at a design studio and got to see some of the industry, figuring out what i want, what i don’t want, a little more of what to be looking for. i struggled in school (a shocker, i know), but i passed this semester and have finally gotten to my final class before i graduate. i played in a flag football league and learned i suck at sports pretty badly (but i have heart, ha). uhhh…i am sure more happened, but those are some main ones.

i think i can say that this year can definitely be defined by change.

one of the most important and valuable things i have been a part of happened through the second half of the year. i moved to a neighborhood with a group of friends with the specific purpose of learning how God would work in the context of community, to see what it looks like to begin tearing down barriers i’ve built and known so long about what life should/could look like, to learn how to love in a practical and communal way. this change has allowed me to enjoy fellowship amongst my brothers and sisters in Christ in a different way than i’ve ever gotten to see. i remember how difficult adolescence was because no one my age, including myself, seemed to know what community was or how community could work. then and even in older folks, i see such a self-centered lifestyle and mindset. this creates a large disconnect amongst people which brings about a loneliness that can’t find seem to resolve in such a way of life. i’d grown up reserved and inside my head. i’d grown up solving problems on my own and trying to find a way to live as a Christian on my own, which was an oxymoron.

when i left for college at north texas, i joined a small group. i began finding out that deeper honesty and relationships could be experienced amongst a group. it was a step deeper into fellowship and sincerity i hadn’t expected to see. after so long, i found myself coming out of my introverted shell and realizing what could be had. i was deeply encouraged by it all.

however, there remained that disconnect. we met once a week as a group and during church services, but outside of that we had trouble being involved in one another’s lives. i was entering into a program that began to put another challenge in my way and they were busy, too. we’d talk about plans, goals, ongoings in our weeks, but it always stayed as just basic understandings about what others experienced, and never seemed to go much further. recently, i find that talk and thinking only goes so far. there comes a time where walking and living must begin. doctrine and ideologies get old and worthless when they don’t ever apply.

so after so many years on my own, a chance came up to move into a neighborhood with other Christians. it has been a challenge, it has been a blessing, it has been a joy, it has been frustrating, it has been real. we’ve found that all of us have such different gifts, personalities, roles, purposes, and directions in life. it is truly beautiful.

when we started, we didn’t know how anything was going to work, how relationships would start, how anything should be done. we began meeting weekly, which meant walking across the street or upstairs. we discuss what we’ve seen, we pray, we laugh, we learn from one another, we are encouraged through Scripture. in a short time, we began to meet our neighbors. there have been language barriers, as this is a widely hispanic neighborhood, but a couple people from our group are pretty good speakers. we have gotten to know their kids, mostly. several of them had started going to church with us and are such a blessing to us. i can say that it is nothing we did, but only fruit God provided.

we don’t have answers, we are not perfect by any means. if anything, i find myself humbled day by day at all of the mistakes, all of my shortcomings, all of my selfishness. i’m not special. i’m here because i don’t know what i’m doing. i’m here because i want to learn and grow. and i have, but only because God has been faithful again and again to teach me and lead me.

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it has been a long, hard, amazing year. i have learned to step out more, becoming more willing to take risks that are worth stepping out for. i’m still searching, reaching, fighting, learning. i’m doing my best to let go of my control, to be open and willing to go where i am called, to do what i am made to do, and to love my friends, my neighbors, my family, and most importantly the Lord who has made all these things and provided, despite myself. i am thrilled to begin another year. life has been so good and as i move out into the world, i look forward to seeing what happens.

spring break, 2007.

so, i learned a lot over a short time, still sorta churning over it all.

what i saw was that new orleans is still devastated. i don’t watch the news much, so i don’t know if the media covers it much anymore. i don’t know if it’d do much good. it’s hard to wrap your mind around it…even after seeing it. i saw the 9th ward and where there was once block after block of houses. now only fields remain in many parts. some blocks had more houses than others, some blocks had none. i assumed i’d seen what the 9th ward was like earlier in the week—houses that had roofs collapsed in, windows shattered, doors boarded over, spray paint marking down who had died, how many had been taken away by the storm. i didn’t expect to see worse. street after street of total destruction. it was an awful sight. in many places life has tried to move on, but there are reminders everywhere you look. the 9th ward was far worse, stripped bare with only a small share of people who have dared to return.

the start of the trip seemed good. we listened to some really good music on the way and had a great time. but many of the people in my group felt the same as i did, though it went unsaid at first. we weren’t ready for the week. school this semester has been heavy and i’ve found myself disconnected from God, from friends at church, from my community group, from my roommates. so much is going on that it is hard to remember why i’m alive…i just focus on what needs done right now. i think that a lot of us on the trip had that trouble, so by the time spring break arrived, we had forgotten what our mission was….and that is sort of important if you’re on a mission trip. (and every day, really, since purpose exists outside of short term trips, ya know).

after it was pointed out and we just got honest with ourselves, we knew that change was needed. we’d put money into this trip, we’d traveled out there, and we’d agreed to serve. but a mission trip is more than just physical labor. anyone can do that and in the end, physical labor is nothing, really. as christians, we have work to do that extends beyond the physical, something that has a permanent value, an eternal significance. a really beautiful thing about serving and fixing up houses and inanimate things is that this is a powerful image of who we all are inside. we’re a wreck…an absolute wreck. inside, we are dead spiritually. our hearts have no interest in God. he means nothing to us because we are so self absorbed. oprah might tell us that we should just better ourselves. america would say to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and fix the problem. that’s what we might have done if left on our own….but God has revealed something to us…

we couldn’t change our hearts. we couldn’t make ourselves care about the work we had in front of us. we couldn’t make ourselves love the people we would meet. we were broken down and shown that we had nothing to offer God but our weakness. it is a funny thing because this is a blessing: to know that you are utterly helpless, completely depraved. that is exactly why i am a Christian. i have been shown my sin, my broken heart, my emptiness.

so, this is what we did. we prayed. the next day, we did the same. and the next. and the next. every day, we realized that we didn’t care the way we should. we didn’t want to do it or we thought we were going to just do it all on our own. again and again, God showed us that we couldn’t…he showed us that we were in the wrong with our hearts….and then reminded us of his grace. grace is God providing for everything we lack. he didn’t have to, but he chose to be faithful to us so many times despite ourselves. he gave us the hearts we needed, the words we didn’t know, the courage we lacked, the love we couldn’t force, the focus we didn’t have. we asked and he answered. this is what Christians have in Jesus Christ, who is God manifested in the flesh in order to take our sins upon Himself and to give us His perfect life. this is mercy because we were so completely undeserving. as we enjoyed his gifts, we had reminders of what this Gospel, the good news we have to preach, is about—knowing God, loving God, enjoying God, trusting God, living for God, and making Him known.

i’ve come back and already struggle to remember and believe and rest in the trust i have seen in the Lord. knowing that i forget so often and seeing that my brothers and sisters in Christ have the same struggle, i feel called out to fellowship, to make time (some how, some way, any way i can) to meet with them, to encourage them, to listen to them and most importantly, to pray FOR and WITH them. this is soooo vital. i’ve been learning a lot about prayer and it must be applied. i want to pray with my roommates, i want to have time to meet with my brothers and sisters more….i’ve never been good at all this, but i want it. i need it. school is hard to deal with because i want to enjoy these things sooooo much more. this is only something more i get to pray about and wait to see how God will answer.

praise God for the truth that he has given us through Christ, that he allows us to perceive by his Holy Spirit, that he has enabled us to enjoy with grateful hearts.

taste and see. the Lord is good.

there is a strong belief in today’s society that logic and self-will can help us figure out all of life and its problems. maybe it has always been that way. i’d be curious to find if man’s faith in science has brought about more of it. it seems to be the perpetual act of man, to do and to solve on one’s own. there is a bit of a recursive loop of situation and effect that only leads man into more problems.

we see in the beginning with adam and eve in Genesis 3.
situation: eve was tempted by the serpent. eve has the option of trusting one other than God, a serpent and even herself.
effect: eve disobeys, adam is lead into sin with her, and both are cast from Eden, their lineage (us) are cursed by their sin.

if we consider david in 2 Samuel 11,
situation: david was tempted by bathsheba. david has the option to run to God in repentance for strength or to trust his own strength and thinking.
effect: david has bathsheba brought to him and commits adultery.

and again, just a bit further in david’s account:
situation: david caused bathsheba’s pregnancy and must deal with the consequences.
effect: david attempts to remedy sin his way and has bathsheba’s husband killed, even more sin.

we can plug ourselves into the equation.
situation: man/you/i commit sin. we attempt to find a solution to the problem using our mind, our eyes, our hands.
effect: man falls short. you and i fail to fix the problem, only ending up in more sin and confusion, further away from God because of our self-dependence.

whether we realize it or not, even our logic is fallen by our sinful nature, just as much as the acts we committed. that is, we try to think up a plan using our sinful mind which can only depend on its vision, which is short because we are finite, and strength, which is only half-hearted because it lusts after pleasure and self-fulfillment. in all of this, we see the trust a person has in oneself and not God.

now, it is no doubt that if we have been created by God, then our mind, eyes, and hands have been given to us by our Maker to be used. i don’t disagree that He gave us a mind to think, eyes to see, and hands to work. however, when the Fall happened, the things that God gave us, namely our bodies, were no longer used FOR God. in fact, we were INCAPABLE of using anything for God. sin brought about spiritual death in us, even from birth. if God is spirit, how can one who is NON-spirit serve the One who is? and all is the point, it isn’t a question of whether our minds, bodies, and words should be used for God. God’s word informs us of this. it is that we expect that we are wise enough to set out on our own, that we know best. “the heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.” God directs our path, so who else should we call to for knowing the what and the how?

sometimes, it is hard to remember that if i am a christian, i am a child of the living God, an heir to Christ, and an ambassador for Christ. i am his and i am not my own. if i intend on living out my life FOR God (and I should because it is God who has pulled and rescued me from the depths of my own sin, has resuscitated my soul from spiritual death, and has clothed me by the finished work of the Lord Jesus Christ), i should constantly be turning TO God for direction. how can i do anything rightly if i do not know what my King has called me to do especially when i have neglected the armor he has provided?

this weekend, i was on a retreat. despite it being cut short due to the ominous ice storms and despite missing the first session due to other storms, i was blessed to hear simple basic truths that have come up again and again lately. i have all too long been running on my own logic, my own vision, my own strength. i have been broken, struggling to say that i am truly satisfied in Christ, grappling with what it looks like to see communion with Christ to be surpassing greatness, above all things. this is no wonder. i have not clung to Him, but have set out my own path of gathering knowledge over time, by living it out to find understanding with haphazardly gathering bible knowledge, but i feel that these two basics of prayer and bible intake are something i often don’t see as necessities. i lay them aside thinking i have said it all, i have heard it before or i don’t even know where to begin. i am thankful for reminders to be alert, to pursue righteousness with commitment and intentionality, and to be devoted to pray and scripture for the sake of God’s glory and kingdom, not my own, that i may enjoy God more fully.

i have a memory problem.

often times, i wake up unaware of having had any dreams. i find that my heart begins pumping immediately in the morning as if i had just been born, or jump started by the engine of some car hiding in the closet quietly. i imagine that my family, my roommates, whoever is around, all see me follow this routine of a swift kick and gulp for air. it is another day and i am late for something! i don’t even know what it is that i’m late for, but i can feel it in my stomach, gurgling, growing, churning away at me.

this process starts anew daily. the rush quickly scatters any memories i had of what was behind the drapes of those heavy lids squeezing against my eyes. and like that, so suddenly, today has swallowed me whole.

the list of to-do’s fall from the ceiling, scaling down to pop me in the face. my alarm clock returns again with defeating news that i’m probably not where i need to be. the sunlight bursts through the window with a smug smile…the night has been swept away.

before i know it, i’m back in bed. it’s 2am.

and i wonder if there are any people who dream of more….and what they actually do about it.

busyness is something i was never a part of, nor was it something i understood. i guess i was young then, i hardly knew anyone. i knew what was in the backyard, i had guesses of what was under the bed, and i didn’t want to know what was in the closet.

during my years growing up, i didn’t care to leave home much. there wasn’t much for me out there. it seems like another person looking back. i don’t quite remember how it didn’t bother me. clouds of conversations, ringing ears, pounding speakers, streams of traffic….the clutter of noise is almost constant. the other day for one of the first times, i saw myself as a “career” person. all of the restlessness that got me further and further from home as i sought out design, meaning, and life…

all this to say: i’m afraid i get swept up by time and work, only to realize when the day is up that tomorrow there will only be more work. what happens when i figure out that everything i am chasing so hard, so passionately, what happens when it slips out of my hands and shows itself to be nothing. it will whither, fade, and i will find myself left on my knees.

what do i long for, truly?

perspective is hard when i’m either apathetically running about trying to create answers (which is idolatry) or when i’m sinking below sea level, unable to take the pressure of the crushing waves.

yet, again and again, i know…so much of what i spend my time seeking is meaningless. culture has swept me up with media, entertainment, and excitement like a kid in a candy shop, with no sustenance.

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today, i start reading. because i can’t see all (or perhaps it is more like any) of the time. i am also quick to forget, much like dreams that evaporate with the morning’s splash. fortunately, the Lord not only sees the big picture, He made it, He understands it, He guides it, and He has revealed it. therefore…

Genesis 1-2:25, Matthew 1-2:12, Psalm 1:1-6, Proverbs 1:1-6.

i have been thinking a lot and writing. i have a mess of text files piling up on my computer, all of which have been flying around my head. i’ve tried to categorize my thoughts, to make more sense of the ideas, to simplify and clarify them so that they aren’t just a bunch of random ramblings. i impatiently want to just post it all up, perhaps so i can pretend to have solved something, but i am not sure what validity it all has. often writing can be an emotional wandering for me, a sort of puzzle solving, so it can be stuff i might not agree with after my mood shifts to “happy go justin” mode.

the past year has been quite a trip. i want to understand it better that i can figure out what lays in front of me. i hate vagueness, yet probably everything i have written thus far has probably been such for anyone reading this post. but the vagueness i seem to hate has to do with answers to questions i have. they mostly pertain to life, myself, others, God, and how in the world it is all supposed to work together. maybe it can’t work together. at least, not the way i think it should. the older i get, the more i realize that answers are terribly difficult to understand, impossible to prove, and perhaps even more exhausting to live out. i want to understand life so that i can understand myself. in understanding myself, perhaps i can figure where i go.

but i don’t know what i want or need. i am always lost, always searching, always finding myself frustrated that i can’t solve things and therefore don’t know where to go. i am lost about what sort of life to live, whether it be as a typical american citizen (which i often want to shun but know that it can certainly be meaningful) or if it should be overseas working with organizations that are trying to help people in need. there is so much going on in the world, that i question whether it is right to be comfortable, to live a life that can easily end up revolving around me…which comes out as idol worship if you think about it. how do you live rightly, how do you live fully?

i am often told i over think things, maybe this is just another case. but if it pertains to life, and if life matters, is that a foolish or wrong thing to do? i think i would much rather struggle and battle out truth than settle for less, settle for untruths, settle for meaningless work.

that’s the trouble, though. what is meaningless and untrue? what is less?
i have a lot of questions. i want to lay out a plan for this new year. i want to know what will be, or at least what i can set out to do….but i must recognize that life is not simple. and here’s the kicker:

because life is not simple, because i cannot figure it out for myself, because there are falsehoods and deceivers and because i am a sinful being myself, i must call upon the Lord for truth, for wisdom, for guidance, for discernment.

and i should be thankful…
for the Lord is merciful, He is wise and full of grace and truth. He is able and willing to save.

and He has provided answers and help, the Bible. i need to search scripture. i don’t do this nearly enough, yet i expect to have understanding. praying is great, but i need to line up answers with scripture. the two go hand in hand.

i struggle to manage these two things. they are seemingly simple, but part of the trouble in seeking the Lord through prayer and His word is that i am in the flesh and i am in the world. although a Christian, meaning i have been redeemed by the blood of Christ and given spiritual life, i still sin because of my flesh. my flesh confuses me just about every living moment and the things of this world are twisted from being good things into things i worship, things i chase after instead of my seeking after God, things i use for my own purposes instead of for God’s glory.

life is a struggle, it is complex and hard to understand, but i will continue to strive after truth and what is best. i will fail again and again, i won’t have perfect answers, but Christ has already claimed victory and i rest in Him alone. so instead of laying out tasks to complete for a new year, i must seek the Lord to understand what those tasks should be and pray that He lead me in living out whatever i am called to do.

So, it’s been a long while…This past year has been ridiculously busy and challenging. It has also been such a blessing. I’ve been very fortunate in being surrounded by a group of Christians who are so sincere, so honest, and so loving.

In bible studies, we considered who God is and how our heart for God guides many things in our life. In knowing God, we can know where we really stand and find freedom as he releases us from our egos and self-centered lifestyles. As God reveals himself, we can begin to desire to know him more and seek his praise over our own…it is difficult though because we are still in the flesh. We also saw that our heart for God must then lead us to have a heart for others. These are the two greatest commandments…all of the 10 commandments fall in line under these.

In a mission trip to Chicago, I’ve gotten to see the Gospel lived out very practically as we not only were actively involving ourselves in serving others, but we were encouraged to get out there and engage people, to just evangelize to any who would listen. It was really interesting to do this in inner-city Chicago, on the streets, in laundromats, and on the L. There were so many things going on during this one week, so many lessons being taught. One major one I saw was the unity of the body of Christ. True fellowship. I recognized it to be a blessing that God can use to teach each individual something specific and when they share it with the rest, they realize that maybe they aren’t the only one learning that. As the community shares its experiences, the community gets a better overall understanding that it didn’t have before. It was really amazing when it was happening because it was such a clear lesson which spits in the face of barriers in the church such as race, denomination, age, and so on.

More recently, God has been blowing me away with a lot of different lessons. The focus that my group at school is focusing on right now is “He must increase, I must decrease.” Again, you have people coming to the table having already been experiencing God’s guidance and teaching individually. Then we hear the leaders of the group coming to the same conclusion on their own. Then it spreads on from the collegiate ministry onto the rest of the church. They’ve been rearranging their understanding of what their ministry is to be, how it is to act, what shape and use it could have. They have recognize an internal, holy-huddle, self-centered mindset, even in their attempts to get people interested. They built a coffeeshop on last year hoping to bring it to a full-service shop with paid employees and everything. This is very fitting with American Christianity these days. You see a carbon copy of the real world for the sake of staying at church. Now, you might not think it bad to remove the “bad things” or even to just be bringing people to church, making it more comfortable, entertaining, etc…but is that what Jesus called us to do? Dress up the gospel because it is bland and needs more sparkles? No…He calls us to preach the Gospel, to LIVE the Gospel….and it seems like God is showing a lot of us that living this out doesn’t mean waiting in your apartment all day, spending all your time playing video games….it doesn’t mean sticking together as a church, always being together and having fun times….it means going to where the lost are. finding them and loving them and serving them. This is EXACTLY what Christ did. So, we’re seeing the opportunity of going to coffee shops, meeting people, going to bars and introducing ourselves to people (given that alcohol is not a stumbling block to you), serving incoming freshmen, helping them to feel at home and showing them around. It is a corporate outward focus. God’s love shown to us by His Word and works has allowed us to love. This love has changed our hearts, is affecting our very nature which is self-centered and sinful to look outside of ourselves. Now we can be considering ways to serve and encourage the body as it goes out to love and share with the lost. Last week was our first opportunity to apply these things and God worked in amazing ways.

I am thrilled for the rest of the semester as I meet new classmates, as I continue relationships with old ones, as I see from a new perspective and am excited to find out what opportunities might be right in front of me but that I’d never noticed.

I have been growing a lot lately and it has been a blessing. It has come through trials and heartache, but has caused me to recognize the things and people I turn into idols, leaving me all the more reliant on God. I wish I could express it better…I can only encourage others to seek out God in prayer, to search His Word that you may better know him, to be involved with a solid Bible-believing, Gospel-preaching church who encourage active participation from the congregation and provide Bible studies and fellowship. The Christian life is not to be figured out or lived in solitude, but shared amongst the body of his church.

Q1: What is the chief end of man?
A: Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him for ever.

This year has been such a blessing thus far. The bible study group I am a part of has encouraged me in so many ways and I have been deepened through many trials the past few months. Through struggles, I have found my need for Christ to be the main priority in every area of my life, even the areas I want to have control and say over. I am slowly letting go of my firm grip (read: desparate clinging) and am trying to accept life as it goes. This has been teaching me to be more dependant on God through faith and prayer. I still feel like I need to dig into scripture more and am trying to work out a daily schedule that I can do that more consistantly.

I’m a Christian, so this would be a given, ey? A lot of the time, I hold to myself, which doesn’t help one grow. Prayer, Bible study…These are important facets of the Christian life…but also in line with fellowship, although it can often hard to do, especially in busy and individualistic America.