If I want to be come invincible, I need first to stop being afraid of things I know deep down are good for me, that I want, or of people akin to myself. I generally butt heads with those I am most like, I shy away from activities which would benefit me greatly, and are likely a lot of fun. It’s dumb, but it comes from a fear of failure and of sticking my foot in my mouth.
I’ve had experiences in the past where I seemed to make a poor impression of myself on people I liked and wanted to be around (generic shyness/awkwardness issues). It seemed to be enough to make me keep to myself. Often I’m mistaken for a total snob, since I am animated and comfortable with people I already know, but suddenly become quiet and shy around new people. What I’m thinking is “eek! get me out of here before I humiliate myself!” but what the other person sees is probably more along the lines of someone who isn’t interested in them and making it rudely obvious.
So I lose in that way. I’m working on the shyness thing, but I still get nervous and feel foolish. I was even called a bore recently by someone who doesn’t know me very well (though he who did the accusing has a rather negative reputation amongst even his friends, so I’m not that worried). I can’t help but think it has to do with my habit of saying very little and asking few questions. It’s part anti-humiliation tactic, part panic reaction. I hear the internet is populated with folk like me.
That all said, my task is to make a concerted effort to have a proper conversation with someone I don’t know very well, at least once a week. While these conversations are in progress I must remind myself that the other party does not decide the definition of my personality, nor does that person constitue what the entire human race thinks of me. One person will not make or break me, nor will one conversation give anyone a complete sense of who and what I am.
I need to relax; nobody worth my time will loathe me after one conversation.
