forgive people who have hurt me

I’m really struggling with this because I feel like I’m in this endless cycle of people disappointing me or hurting me or betraying me, and then having to work to forgive them, and then the cycle repeating again.

Is it even worth it?

Things have been tense and awkward with a friend of mine who hurt my feelings and I was getting angrier and angrier because she was avoiding me.

So today I messaged her (I would’ve called, but I wanted to give her a chance to think about what I said and respond) and said I hoped I hadn’t done something to offend her, but it seemed like she was avoiding me.

So she responded and said that she was the one who had offended me (true) and that she wasn’t sure how to approach me.

So, the lines of communication are open and we’ll see where this leads.

I also messaged the dude who’s been avoiding me. Apparently I am a scary person whom people avoid rather than figure out. But I’m trying.

Whenever I start to think, “I hate you, you ruined me,” I’m going to instead think, “I love you.” I would rather love than hate.

I feel so silly, holding onto the hurt feelings, holding onto the loving feelings. He’s moving across the country and there’s a good chance that I won’t see him for a long, long time, if I ever do again (not counting myspace and facebook and blogs and email; face-to-face is much different than online communication).

I’m sad today, not resentful. I’m sad for what we had and what we might have continued to have, but I’m not blaming him, at least not today. I’m just going to be sad today and be okay with that.

He told me he missed me and that he missed being friends, except he really makes no effort.
So today I reached out, at least a little. Being friendly.

I feel okay about it.

1s are resentful. We tend to repress our anger, but hold onto it.

I alluded to this last night after dinner, that I’m working through some forgiveness issues.

Perhaps I should do less talking about it and more doing it.

This month’s YogaJournal has a feature about forgiveness, and it couldn’t have arrived at a better time.

I find it so hard to forgive him, and I want to. Not for him, not because he deserves my forgiveness, but because I’m so tired of feeling weighed down by my anger and bitterness. I want to forgive him so I can move on, so I can be open to other people.