I don’t have many feelings. For years I was alright with this, even proud. I felt freer, not tied down with emotional baggage. I am still slightly proud of what I was able to accomplish. I couldn’t get hurt because I didn’t care what people thought of me, I never got angry so I never made enemies, I was never disappointed by a friend or lover because I had no expectations, no needs. It seemed like I was living life right.
I think I may have been wrong. Instead of being as free as I had felt, I had closed myself off to the world. I didn’t love anyone, not my friends, my family, or even myself. I did things that, I don’t regret, but I wouldn’t have done if I had cared about my own well being.
I isolated myself to the point where even my mother asked me to just leave home and stop hurting her with my apathy. She thought I was teasing her, visiting as if I was an integral (emotionally involved) member of the family but remaining distant and uncommunicative. It’s not that I meant to be uncommunicative, but nothing had meaning in my life, I had nothing of value to say. I would talk about my life in vague details as one would comment on the weather to a stranger.
I didn’t think I was hurting myself, but it became clear that I was hurting others. It took years for my mother to say something, but she was the only one to say anything. I was in the dark, unaware of the adverse effects my apathy had.
I tried for three years to try to change for her, but I struggled. I still secretly wanted to remain as I was. I saw myself as strong, independent, and as near invincible as possible. That inflated ideal of myself wasn’t something I could turn on and off, it was going to have to be something that I changed completely, I either remained apathetic or grow closer to people, there was no middle ground or compromise.
After three years, I showed a little progress. I was communicating almost consistently with my mother (even if it was poorly), I befriended people I felt more open to sharing with, I even felt like I saw life in a new light. As cliche as it sounds, I felt like colors were brighter and music more inspiring. I still couldn’t do a lot of things though. I didn’t like being hugged, I kept a lot of secrets, and I had trouble saying what I thought, or felt. I even developed a relationship, though I was hesitant to at first, especially because it would have been my first boyfriend, though not my first partner.
It doesn’t sound like much, calling my mother periodically, making a new friend, and going from friend to boyfriend, but at the time, it was a lot for me to handle. At times, I didn’t think I could handle it, it was so overwhelming. They were small steps, but steps in every aspect of my life and I almost backed out, went back to the way I was: hardened and in control.
I almost went over the edge when my new boyfriend decided to tell me he was in love with me. I couldn’t register such a feeling, nor believe that anyone could love someone so quickly. Being apathetic in my manner made me believe that love at first sight, chivalry, romance, love against the odds, etc was the stuff of fairy tales, only suckers fell for it. Well, to say the least I freaked out at him and told him he didn’t love me. Thinking that feelings were for fools, and not wanting to get played I almost left, decided to give up on my efforts and try to feel again later in life in another decade or so.
I was left confused though because I could sense the sincerity in his emotion, but I couldn’t understand it. At the time I couldn’t comprehend strong emotions, I was still getting the basics down. I didn’t end up running, I stayed committed to changing my life. I continued to date him, and tried to progress even further to help myself.
Two years later, I get to today. I am incredibly changed from where I was before, but still have a lot of improving to do. I enjoy hugs now, have many more friends though I still only share little bits of myself with most of them. I still can’t cry at movies, but I can get an emotional ride. I can feel love, though it isn’t the fairy tale kind. It’s a growing feeling. I grow more and more in love, but it comes with happiness and sadness.
While I can feel strong emotion, I still cannot express it, or communicate it. I still have trouble saying how I feel, or even showing it. I believe in part it’s because I’m still learning how. I was so closed off, especially in my youth, the time where most people see or experience dating, relationships, even best friends, that it’s like starting over again. I have to learn from scratch what I’m supposed to do or how I’m supposed to react, and I fail most of the time. Of course my first reaction is to act how I had been, indifferent or unemotional, but that is not what I am aiming for. I have to think about my reactions; they aren’t natural yet.
That is what I’m hoping to change. I wish to have emotions, naturally. I don’t want to pause to think how I should take something; how I should be feeling. It makes it still feel unreal.
I want to feel things, and I want to be able to share feelings with others.
