feel the fear and do it anyway

I start Monday. It’s something that I know I can do, but it’s a stretch of my mind and my skills in a way that I’ve never been stretched before.

I am, to be frank, TERRIFIED. In a really good way, but terrified.

I think I’m “feeling the fear” only because this job represents a dream come true for me. It’s the position that I wanted, but never thought was feasable. Since it’s become a possibility, I’ve become more attached to the idea than anything I’ve pined for in my adult life.

But I HAVE already “done it anyway”—the interview process was the most terrifying and exhilirating thing I’ve ever done professionally. And I did it. And I got the job.

Heh, heh…and now I’m TERRIFIED of screwing it up! It just seems to good to be true.

of some career transition right now.

I’ve chosen a career for myself that has NOOOOOOOOOOO job security, which is scary for someone who craves affirmation as much as I do.

This is all stuff that I’ve chosen, and I’m relatively certain it’s all for the good…nevertheless, it’s a huge leap of faith…

...and so I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and dive…....AHHHHHHH!

Saw The Shrink for the first time yesterday. It’s funny—I have absolutely NO problem with other people seeking paid friends. I think it’s noble to ask for help when life gets tough.

Even so, when it’s me, I’m not sure how I feel about it. Part of me was embarassed to be there, like it somehow meant I was broken. Part of me was like, “What am I doing here? I’m FINE.” And really, I AM fine. I just want my life to be BETTER than fine…

And the other part of me was just SO relieved to be doing something to help lift me out of my perma-funk.

Here’s to doing something I’m not sure about…I go back in two weeks.

I made a MAJOR mistake at work yesterday. I recently accepted a new position that I love, but it has a REALLY steep learning curve, a really fast pace, and lots of details a person couldn’t possibly be trained for.

That’s not why I made the mistake, though. I made the mistake because I was careless.

Driving into work, my heart was in my throat. I kept mulling over how to pad the blow to my boss. And then I made a decision—the mistake was what it was. I’d tell my boss exactly where I messed up, and face the music.

Surprisingly, he was very forgiving. He wrote it off as “tuition” for learning the ropes. I thanked him and said it wouldn’t happen again, and he very calmly said, “It might, and if it does, that’ll be tuition, too.”

I’m learning that I tend to assume the worst, and it does no justice to the incredible people and opportunities that exist in my life. When I catastrophize, I’m selling myself, my coworkers, my husband, my kids, and the world short.

Seems so simple, doesn’t it?

I’ve come to the conclusion as of late that I’m just not myself at all lately. So I’m seeing a doctor this afternoon for a depression evaluation.

I’ve ALWAYS been a really upbeat, positive person. And I have a really good life. I’m afraid that if I AM in fact clinically depressed, that it somehow means I’ve lost control of the positive essence of ME. And I’m afraid that if I’m NOT depressed, this is just how it feels to be me.

I’m scared to death, for some reason. But I’m going.