die laughing my ass off

to regard humor as holy.

In order to demonstrate my commitment to this decision, I went to a bar with a good friend to see if I could get anyone to ask me out. I’m married. I wore safety goggles.

I have a business card from a random goggle-lovin’ a-hole who called me “sparkles” every time I walked by.

Bonus points: Should I ever take up a career as a stripper, I could call myself Sparkles. I wouldn’t even have to seek a stripper name. Sweet.

used the word “deliberately” in context. Correctly.

There is nothing-NOTHING-funnier than a petite, skinny, short little kid with a big, big mouth and an oversized brain to match.

It reminds me of a day when she was still wearing diapers, and I caught her standing on the dishwasher door.

“What are you doing?” I asked her.

“Absolutely nothing of concern,” she replied. That was before she turned three.

I mean, really…who has a real, live BEAR-sized dog AND a Taxidermied Turkey, all under one roof?

I adore everything about that girl.

Thanks for the turkey story, sister.