katielady123 in Oakville is doing 17 things including…

be happy

1 cheer

 

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katielady123 has written 5 entries about this goal

happiness

id be happy if i didnt care
if i could be skinny
if i was preitty
if i was with the guy i love
if i didnt cry so much
if i was perfect
if i was smart
if i wasnt so shy
if i spoke up
if i found a romantic
if i wasnt so selfcontious
if i could spell
if i didnt lie
if i was loved
if i was preitty
if i didnt hurt myself
if i didnt compare myself to others
if i could wear a bikini
if i wasnt so easy
if i could take things easier
if i was able to brush things off
if i didnt care



happiness

its the cure for everything.
but the hardest one to find



and another thing to add to my list

iv just recently found out that my friend is haveing a party, and was trying to keep it behind my back. he told my even closer friends not to tell me. what a horible feeling that is. haveing people sneeking around behind your back. and not even inviting their other friends to their partys. apparently he things i’ll be to sexaul. LIKE WHAT IS THAT? thats stupid. he preitty much just called me a slut. and is preitty much saying he hates me. im starting to question so many more things know. he compleatly just lowered my self esteem and happyness. i didnt no it was posible. i know it seems little. just think of how harsh that feeling is. it hurts more thne you think



you sould be happy- by me

i’ve been secretly falling apart
sleeping and waking
thats no fresh start
no love no glory
no hero disguise
i’ve been walking and waiting
cant seem to improvise.

you turn every head
but you dont see me
you’ll wake and wonder
why i’ll be the first thing you see
Free my injured spirt
and inhale my wounded heart
i want you to see me
right back to the start.
you could be happy
you could be free
but i wish you wernt happy
without the sight of me.

i want to live stronger
i want to live high
looking past your gaze
with less then a simple goodbye

but its not that easy.
not in my world
i’ll cage my worrys, my problems my doughts
i’ll see to it im wounded
i’ll see to it im hurt
i’ll make sure im unhappy
so unhappy so hurt

“you should be happy” they say
forget your worrys
forget that day.
sleep your problems far far away.
“you should be happy”

by me.



a break down of my life

im now a 15 year old girl. this is a short form of my life.

i moved away in grade 7
found a friend, who shortly after ruined my life
i was teased for a very long time about weight.
i started throughing up, this girl started spreading rummers about me, and began stabbing me in the back. we became enemys.
i then met a boy, who i feel deeply in love with. i know i was young, but i new i was in love. we went out for 2 years. i lost my virginity in grade 7 to him. i new it was wrong but i didnt care. love is love.
he did alot of drugs and alchohol. and got me into it. i snuck out so much to his house. and one time i thought i was pregnet. this was in grade 8. we lied curled up next to eachother in his bed in the dark, with his lava lamp next to us for hours. we just lied there as i cryed, and he kissed me telling me it was okay. its okay, we’ll get through this togehter.
he told his mom, and she offured a home to me if i get kicked out. i cryed everynight. i was depressed. untill i found out i wasnt pregnet.
though i was still sad for some reason. he went to partys, drinking and getting high, and i sometimes just sat at home, upset at the world. thinking he was out there with other girls. i was so over pretective.
we went out everyweekend.
and problems went by, and 2 more times, i thought i was pregnet. but they were false alarms.
soon enough, by mid grade 9 i mentioned the idea of taking a break. and he agrreed. he eventually begged me to come back to him, but i couldnt. i said no. and i wish so god damn hard i hadnt said no. i miss him.
i was depressed. i hadnt been single since the beggging of grade seven, and now im in highschool.
one night i will never forget. it was a couple weeks after we broke up, maybe a couple months. it was raining outside, and he asked me to come over. at 2 in the morning i did. i rode my bike all the way down there, for him. i still loved him. we talked. i looked at all the things he had kept from me. we kissed…and went all the way. then lied there for hours looking into eachothers eyes. he told me how much he still loved me. and how much he wished we could be together again. but icoudlnt take him back. because i new it would hurt even more in the future. we;re still young, i dont want us to break up later in life for a bad reason. this was mutual. i climbed out of his window back into the rain, in a t-shirt im freezeing. so he lends me a sweater. his rooms in the basement, so i have to climb up and out, not down. i begin to walk away into the pooring rain, and he calls me from the window. i crouch down, as hes leaning as far as he can out the window, stretching his head into the rain, and whispers “i love you” and kisses me. right there in the rain, the most meaningful kiss off my life. our very last kiss. ...the last kiss with the boy i loved, and still love. i cried the whole way home, knowing that was the very last time id kiss him. the last time id be so close to him, like we were one person, finally seperating. then it hit me.

i started hurting myself. cutting my wrists because i didnt no waht to do anymore. friends started noticeing, so i started taking pills. all the way to 30 tylonal or drinking bottles of cough medisen. iwanted to die. i dint want to live without him. and ididnt want anybody else either.
i still thought i was fat. i went back to throwing up. trying not to eat. didnt work. i was 5’6 and weighed 155.
i met a boy off the internet, i was 15 and he was 18 turning 19, in his second year of university. we went out for a summer. we took me to concerts and to the movies. i broke up with him just before the end of the summer. he wanted me to be my best friend. tried to change me. wished for me to dress like her, act like her, BE her. that wasnt right. i dumped him.
i still loved my old boyfriend.
alot otehr things have happened but those are the main events. my life is almost based on my ex boyfriend. he was my life. and now i dont no what to say about my present life. we’ve been broken up for over a year. and i still wish i had him back. he has done so many awful things. but i still love him. i dont think i’ll ever love someone more. it sounds rediculous. but it doesnt seem posible. i wish i could go back in time.



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