be good to myself

I’m doing badly at this. Too much work. Too little me. I’m just sooo scared to let go.

I have been choking my words backand not really imporvig the quality of my life. To be good to myself I believe that I want to share who I am- my thoughts, my feelings and to really contribute to life. So here goes. Some work on speaking up at work, at home, when I’m doing the bills etc

I was on my first team of the More to Life weekend in London and experienced major shifts in my sens eof self. A long, hard weekend, but worth every moment. Some good freinds made and it feels like a shinier life on the way.

I found a book that’s really helped me to make a breakthrough. To be more precise I have been working on this lots and for a long time, so this is the last stone and doesn’t reveal the major building project underway. So during this last horrid week I was able to accept that I am doing my very best and that life simply is as it is. THat my expectations of what life should be like doesn’t make it any more real than me beieving that a diet of chocolate, soda and hamburgers etc shouldn’t make you fat. So I haven’t been beating myslef up about life and have just been more peaceful. Still anxious at moments, but better able to let go and just be!

Sometimes I want to just delete myself. You know painessly and quickly. To just disappear and for everything to not matter. Imagine the peace.The nothingness. I guess I’m just tired of being stuck right now. A passing feeling. And in spite of the things I’m doing to be kinder to myself I’m not feeling better. I guess there really is only one option for me right now- keep trying.

This seems to be one of the hardest goals I’ve chosen. I’ve decided to get to the root of the issue and hae been spending time trying to achieve balance and self-understanding. You know,why do I allow others to take first place in my life?

I know now that it’s really a fear that I need to do things to meet people’s expectations so that they don’t leave me. I don’t want that anymore.

On the sunnier side, I’ve been asserting my right to do the things I like in my relationship. I refuse to let my desires come second.
So I’m cooking the things i Like more, doing yoga and meditation and have stopped running. I hated it! I’m going to dance instead. Now that’s being good to myself.

I’ve dedicated this week to accepting that I’m home for another few weeks and that’s okay. That it doesn’t make me stupid, incompetent or boring. It’s okay for me to just be with myself, doing some courses and thinking about who I am and what I want. Judgement suspended. Just some time trying to understand why I’m being so hard on myself.

I am afraid that people don’t want to know the real me. Like finding out, will make them realise that I’m not as special as they think. So I often hide behind the things I read about, the things I read or know, my energy, my sometimes pretend joy….. to be that person they’ll want to be around or to admire.

So birthday pressure’s are intense. All eyes on me. In my mind waiting, watching. And there’s all this pressure to perform, to deliver the Big Bang everyone is waiting for.

So in honour of this goal I chose differently this year. I went away with a few friends to the mountains. It was quiet, it was understated.

Now I know that escape isn’t the solution. I should be able to be “me” at home with crowds around me. But this week I applaud myself for taking the first step and lifting the lid on this pressure-cooker & in the process experience something really special.

I was just me. The people with me were okay with that. They enjoyed being with me. And it was good.

I’m the kind of person who agrees to someone else having a party on my birthday because my birthday comes around every year anyway. And I’m usually silently hurt.

This year I simply disagreed. I was asked to put it off for a week. I said “no!”

And I feel like I gae myself a great gift- feeling and behaving as if I’m important too.

I guess this is a kind of AA moment. Recognising that you have a problem is the first step to doing something about it. SO here it is. “I am my harshest critic and not very good to myself. That ends today!”