eating disorder

so i’ve finally been able to eat lately, quite a bit actually, thanks to the diet pills that i’ve been taking. they aren’t really keeping much weight off of me tho, of course i have been binging. i just weighed myself today and i weigh 122lbs. i guess that means im begining to get better. i broke up with my bf whom i’ve been dating for a year now and i realized that i wouldn’t eat much because i was so stressed out whenever i thought about him. hopefully i continue to maintain this weight… its better for me in the long run, right?

I just binged today, but i haven’t been able to purge… yes, i realize that it can hurt me in more ways than one, but im feeling really nasty. for some reason i’ve been wanting to binge and purge more than not eating. wtf is going on!?

my birthday was on friday and so obviously i had a few family visitors. my father came and told me that i looked like skin and bones, then i went to my mothers house and she said that im starting to look sickly thin. i dont see it still, and im eating more a day than i have been. im still not able to eat over 1,000 calories a day, but im sure that 800 is better than the 300 i have been eating in the past. maybe this means im getting better. i just hope that i can maintain a healthy weight and still be happy with my appearance. too bad that sounds like a fairytale right now.

So i went from 114 to 111 to 113 to 112 to 115 to 117, all within the course of 3 weeks. i’ve only gained 2lbs. since the last time i weighed in, when i was actually confident about my body, and now i’m freaking out… again. the other day my boyfriend told me i have “man legs” and that set me off. I had to go to the hospital because I keep fainting (i thought it was from dehydration) but instead they ran all my vitals, blook, ect… and decided that all of the diet pills were making my heart beat irregularly. now they are forcing me to wear an “event-monitor”, everytime i feel a fainting spell coming on i have to push a button that records and sends my heart rate to a computer at the dr.s office. just another day in my life i guess.

Still 114… what’s going on with my focus lately?

If anyone wants to help me out and give me advice on how to meet my goal, or just talk to me like on aim or whatever that’d be nice. I like knowing that I’m not a freak-show, and that there are other people out there with the same disease as me… my screenname is mskirstinelaine

Why is it that people just don’t understand how badly I want to be thin? My dad’s side of the family is always commenting on how skinny I am now, but before they couldn’t stop telling me how “pudgy” I was getting. Can’t these people realize that words hurt more than fists? I even read my journal from middle school the other day… Kids used to call me “banana thighs” and “fat-ass” even though I wasn’t much bigger than they were. Words hurt, and they still haunt me to this day. How can I forget about these nasty comments?

So i stepped on the scale again today, for my 7th time. I have lost a total of 2lbs. since yesterday. I don’t understand why I can’t lose anymore weight. I’ve even tried the “boost your metabolism drinks” for the past week, as well as trying the “abc” method. I’m 5’7” but am still plateauing around 114lbs. I just want to get rid of all this extra flab that I am able to pinch. My goal weight is 105, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. Why is it that I find skin and bones to be so beautiful? How come I can never accomplish looking like a model in a magazine such as vogue? I feel like I’m a failure- I’ve already had 536 calories today. That’s 36 above my diet plan. I’m a wreck.