indulge in moderation and not feel guilty about it

I haven’t done the daily-indulgence-without-guilt-thing (HA! what a fantasy this is turning out to be), but I am growing more obsessed over having another slice of pumpkin cheesecake.

What is wrong with me!!!

I walk around with pumpkin cheesecake dancing around my head.

This is not good, considering that I promised my body that I wouldn’t run again until my hip socket/groin muscles and right knee are fully healed (SOB), so I won’t be burning massive calories. There’s always the exercise bike, but I have a deep mistrust on how it says I can 600 calories in 75 minutes, even though it has a heartbeat monitor/sensor.

But ahhh gaaah … I NEED to put a dent into this goal. So I shall allow myself to SHARE another piece of pumpkin cheesecake with HB this Sunday. That will be my big treat.

I have an insatiable appetite, thanks to my life of fitness. Even though the server at Cheesecake Factory today raised an eyebrow with all that I ordered (big salad, side of sauteed spinach, side of green beans, grilled salmon, sauteed mixed veggies, large french fries, bread), we just shrugged and waved off his warnings that it was a large amount of food. Needless to say, he was impressed at the fact that I polished off every morsel. Seeing that it was later in the afternoon and all I had was a granola bar and cereal, I figured that I would probably skip dinner later. I did not feel guilty about that meal.

After the lunch, HB and I split a pumpkin cheesecake… a la mode. OMG!!!!!!! For a moment I considered ordering my own slice and taking home whatever I didn’t finish, but realized that that thought was nothing but a fantasy – I could NEVER eat only half of a cheesecake unless I was sharing it. So it was good that we split the cheesecake. Pangs of guilt needled my insides.

Hours later, the pumpkin cheesecake continued to dance in my head. I keep telling myself that it was okay – it’s the one big treat I allowed myself to have a week. Burning 600+ calories on the stationary bike afterwards did help a little, but I’m more disappointed in the fact that I burned off what I ate, not existing fat.

One day at a time… I WILL overcome this.

Oh Halloween. (groan)

While checking in at Curves this morning, I noticed a candy dish with a sign that said “You are allowed one treat today!” Being that I follow directions well, I snatched up a Tootsie Roll and popped that delicious goodness in the abyss we call “mouth” and then proceeded to start my workout.

Two notes:
1. Aside from the dark chocolate every morning for its antioxidants, this was the first piece of real candy I’ve had in months.
2. It was 6:30 am

I don’t remember if I’ve ever had candy that early in my entire LIFE! I had this dooming feeling over me as I chewed the milk chocolate into heavenly ooze, but I somehow managed to push those feelings aside and reminded myself that the bucketloads of candy I bought for the trick-or-treaters are the ones I don’t like, so I should be safe for the rest of the day.

I was done from my Curves workout and home by 7:40-ish a.m. There were 2.5 pieces of pumpkin pie left. The half was from me taking itsy bitsy bites out of it every morning and well, I lost control of my fork and WOLFED THAT PUPPY DOWN.

Damn. I make the most amazing pumpkin pies, yet I no longer ever indulge in it. What a shame!!! I put it into my food log and tried not the scream from the extra non-nutritional calories.

All before 8 am. Argh!

I keep reminding myself that this stuff doesn’t matter, since I will be burning just more than 3500 calories this week, which should wipe those away, but it’s hard. People who see me comment at how small I am now and I see that, but I have to say that this maintenance this is harder than the weight-loss itself.

What I need to know right now is that it’s only Day 2 of this goal. One step at a time.

I try my best to eat clean, and do for the most part, but the problem is that I deprive myself of goodies and I end up going crazy on one sweet day. Sooo my new goal is exact the title of this goal: indulge in moderation and not feel guilty about it.

I’m not going to make it a goal to eat one big sweet per week, but instead allow it to happen. So if I treat myself to a slice of 300 calorie pumpkin pie, then I will with no guilty feelings allowed.

Same goes for a small sweet thing daily. If it happens, then it happens. But nooo more guilty feelings!

My plan for today:

3 cookies (BETH’S Heavenly Little Chocolate Chip Cookies) before dinner. If I’m still craving sweets after dinner, then a jello cup I go.