like myself

im an outkast in life.
will i ever love me again?
i feel theres no hope left.

i really tried today, i did for sure, but with him constently picking out my my most horrifying features, im stranded here, hating myself more.. and more.. i tried doing it back too him, but it kinda just blew up in my face, like he ALWAYs needs it his way, im starting too wonder if im emotionally dead? is that possible.. i’ve taken alot of drugs, from otc too illegal, anti-depressants dont really work for me .. i was on them for about 7 months, i must really be messed up and im only 15. i have soo many thoughts of hurting myself everyday. but with no one around what am i suppose to do? i have no cluee.. im scared of calling the teen helpline because it might show up on my phone bill.. and i dont need my parents questioning me and monitering my every move.. i tried too get along with them , but with a mother thats never home and a father thats an alcohalic its pretty hard too spend time together as a family. so many things i have yet too say, this might be a long one, or short, when ever he wakes up. he’ll take me too subway.. is it because im fat? am i fat? i feel like i need constant reasurence from everyone now. but if you say something stupid ill believe it, am i normal? i think not.. or maybe, i dont know im soo confused. and i thought i knew better, i guess i thought wrong, ... yeah.