stop picking my face

So, since my last post, I’ve started taking an anti-anxiety/depressant medication (called Pristiq). It was pretty easy to get, my mom just took me into my normal doctor, and I talked to him and he prescribed it.

I don’t recommend medication for everybody. In fact… I’m really anti-medication myself. But the thing is, it’s actually helped. It isn’t the cure-all for my problems, but day to day, it helps. I’m able to go out and live my life just a little bit more than I was before. And it’s helped with the picking too. It hasn’t totally fixed it, but it’s helped. I’ve noticed that I have those long sessions in front of the mirror much less… those times when I just spend hours picking my face apart… those happen less often.

There is definitely a huge correlation between anxiety and the picking.

Anyway, some other stuff. I’ve been trying to be a bit more vigilant about using my acne medication lately. It’s nearly impossible for me to keep to a routine though. But the acne medication really does help. If there’s less breakouts, there’s less of a trigger.

Also, Clinique has come out with a couple new face products called Even Better. They have the “Even Better Skin Tone Corrector” and the “Even Better Foundation”. Both of them have some product in them that is supposed to break apart dark spots, like age spots, sun damage, AND acne scarring. As you can probably guess, my face is speckled with little dark brownish/reddish acne scars, and I really want to try the foundation to see if it works. You’re supposed to see results in about a month. I don’t know if I’m patient enough though. I tend to get frustrated by products if I don’t see instant results… Also, I’m totally broke and have no money for a new foundation. Still, if something could reduce/remove my acne scars… I would love it… sigh… All the damage I’ve done to my skin. I used to have perfect skin…

I hate that I have no willpower. At all, when it comes to anything. This is why I will never drink, I will never do drugs or smoke or anything. I have an addictive personality. Hell, I can’t keep myself away from ice cream when we have it in the house, I’d hate to think how I’d be with alcohol. I think these things are more related than people realize.

Okay so after I gained weight over the break I had a bit of a stress attack and a reverberation of that was a lot of time spent in the mirror practically tearing my face apart with my fingernails.

But I’ve barely touched my face this past week and it’s starting to look better and heal. I think it’s because I’ve been working out 15-45 minutes a day every day since then (either yoga or cardio or a bit of both). It really is a HUGE stress killer. I mean I won’t say I’m not at all stressed about things or my life is monumentally better, because there are a lot of factors that go into it, but it’s little things. I think I’ve been in a generally better mood. I’m feeling stronger and more motivated (even though I’m sore! haha) and I think it’s enough of an outlet for my stress to keep me away from my face for the most part (I’ve still attacked a bump or a blackhead here or there but no long obsessive sessions and it’s been easier for me to ground myself and tell myself to stop).

I think even my fingernails have benefitted a little bit too, though it’s hard to tell in only 1 week.

Tonight I decided to do some searching on the web about face picking and I found this website: http://www.stoppickingonme.com/

It contains a whole kinda… online book I guess talking about face picking, and what you’re doing to your skin, and how delicate it is and what the consequences are. I started reading through it tonight – it’s very in depth so I didn’t finish reading through all the pages – but it’s already been extremely informative.

First of all, I never really knew so much about my skin and simply understanding how I’m disrupting the natural balance and cycle of my skin is a huge help. I consider myself a really rational person (except when I’m not – everybody has their quirks) and just knowing rationally what I’m doing to my skin I think will help me a lot. We’ll see.

Second, I was scared silly by all the consequences. I already sort of knew the physical consequences of the things I was doing to my skin but I never really let myself dwell on it. Well tonight I looked at myself in the mirror and I was horrified by the number of little red scars I have. Enough to make me think twice the next time I put my hands anywhere near a whitehead, red spot, or minute blackhead.

Third, it confirmed what I’ve long suspected about this, that’s it’s something sort of akin to OCD and Anorexia. It’s an anxiety disease. It said something in there about people who are high strung and get panic attacks or something, I can’t remember exactly what it said, but well that’s me all the way. It also talked a lot in depth about how people who do this tend to be over-achievers, good kids, who work hard and stay away from drugs and so forth. Well, I said it in one of my entries (about coffee) and I’m one of the most anti-drug people out there, and I guess I’d consider myself an over-achiever. I took 18 last quarter, I’m taking even more class next quarter, my GPA is currently 3.81.

Anyway it was a very enlightening read. Some of the technical stuff about the skin went a little over my head so I skimmed some of those parts but I was still able to get the gist of what it was saying. If you suffer from this bad habit, compulsion, what-have-you, I reccommend reading through it.

By the way, apparently there’s a minute chance that picking at your skin can increase chances ever so slightly for cancer. I don’t know about you, but ANY increased chance for cancer is too much so I guess that’s part of the being scared silly thing, too. Actually, being scared enough might very easily be enough to make me stop. We’ll see.

Also, I decided to get up and use my acne care system – that’s washing, toning and moisturizing, plus a spot treatment. So hopefully I can begin to repair the damage to my face that I inflicted the other day and help it get better before Christmas. If not, well, c’est la vie; having a speckled face at Christmas isn’t the end of the world and if I stress about it I’m liable to have a speckled face the rest of my life.

So, it’s a certain time of the month and I seriously broke out really, really bad and I just exacerbated it by attempting to destroy all the little blemishes and imperfections on my face and I feel awful. I’m going to be all red, scabby and splotchy for Christmas and I hate myself but I couldn’t help it.

I started using new acne medication but I haven’t been using it as much as the directions say. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to do ANYTHING twice a day everyday. I think the fact that I haven’t used it everyday made it even worse, along with the natural monthly breakout. I even broke out along my nose, cheeks and even one right next to my lip and I almost never do. My problem spots are usually my forehead and my chin… Grr.

Even my mom has been making comments like “Wow! You’re really broken out,” “Have you been using your acne stuff?” “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this broken out.” When I mentioned to her that I’d probably use foundation for our Christmas photos my mom’s reply was, “Well, I don’t think that would actually help you very much.” Which kind of made me want to slap her, but actually my reply was just, “Oh, I have some really good foundation…”

Why do I do this to myself?? I mean, yes I would’ve broken out a little anyway but I know that I made it so much worse just by attacking my skin.

I’m really going to try not to touch my face at all until Christmas. And I’m going to try to wash my face twice a day every day and use the acne toner and cream and stuff but like I said, I’m incapable of keeping a schedule or doing anything twice a day…

I have been doing this for probably 3 years now.

It’s a compulsive habit that I do and I’m not sure why I do it. It starts with just any little pimple on my face and suddenly I’m picking at any slight bump or blackhead until my face is swolen and red.

But of course the thing is, I know that picking at it makes my skin ten million times worse. I have scars all over my forehead, and each pore I pick at sprouts a pimple because I just get more dirt in my face. It’s an awful circular problem and I don’t know how to fix it.

I recognize that it’s unhealthy. I recognize that it’s a nervous compulsion and that I need to stop. It took my a long time just to realize it was a real problem.

I’m a very anxious, worried, high-strung person and I’m sure it has to do with that. So here it is, I’m saying it in public, I’m going to try to stop.