be closer to my brother

I have big news from my brother. Like, monumental… but he swore me to secrecy. I suspected what was coming but it still caught me a little by surprise. He actually made me promise not to tell part of it to anyone, including my husband!

I should have told him right from the start I couldn’t promise that, but I really wanted him to tell me. Maybe I’m a bad sister but I did spill the news to my hubby. What can I say? He is my bestfriend and it was too much to keep to myself. I feel guilty – but I do know it will go no farther until my brother decides to spread it farther himself.

So I’m not going to post it here… but I am going to say there were two parts, and the second part floored me a bit. I just hope he is making the right decisions and that he will be happy with the choices he is making.

Deep down I still feel like the big sister. I want to protect him, but he is a big boy now and he can do as he chooses. All I can do is be supportive and let him know I’ll be there for him through whatever comes.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t the end of the world or anything. It’s just, well… I think you’ll understand when I write my next entry about this (whenever that will be). It’s a big deal for me and my family, and it is going to take time for us to adjust.

I really do love him.

His birthday is Thursday.

Note to self: Wrap present I got, buy card, and call him.

Called brother. Made effort, but non-productive convo. He has terrible phone skills. Very disheartening…

Where is the Ben & Jerry’s?

My brother’s ex-gf broke up with him a week after Christmas. She broke up with him the day after she got back from a four day trip with her family… after he had house-sat the whole time. A week after he gave her a really expensive present. Nasty bit of business, but that is all I’m going to day about that.

Anyway he decided it was time to get out of the area, so he is now moved out of my parents house and into an apartment near where I live. All in the last month. The catch is… I haven’t seen it yet. In fact, I’ve barely even seen the kid since Christmas.

I guess I’m still a little hung up on Christmas. First of all, he didn’t get anyone in my family a gift because he was so strapped for cash. But, I heard through the grapevine what he got his ex a really expensive gift. He wasn’t even going to come over for Christmas Eve, but I was a good sister and I called and asked him to. I told him how important it was to me that he was with us on Christmas. I was really happy to have the whole family together but it made me sad that he didn’t even try to make it on his own. I guess I should be thankful that he came at all, even though I had to beg him…

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like giving up on this goal. No matter how hard I try it never gets me anywhere, and I’m the only one making any kind of effort.

Don’t worry, I’m not done yet. I am going to call my brother by the end of this week and talk to him. I’m not going to bring up anything important, but I will try to open the communication lines a little bit. Maybe he will even invite me over to see his new place! (Probably overly optimistic.) I’m guessing I will have to invite myself over if I really want to see him, but if that is what it takes it is worth a shot.

I don’t think I can hold myself responsible for all of our relationship problems. I feel really guilty sometimes for being so resentful, and I feel like I should be doing more to reach out… but at the same time it takes two people to make a relationship work. Any kind of relationship. And I don’t think I can beat myself up too badly if I’m holding my hand out there and he decides not to reach back. Ultimately he is responsible too.

I know that deep down he still cares about his family. One way or another he will always be my brother, I just wish I could say he was my friend.

:(

It was a rocky summer for my brother and I. He had a messy breakup with his girlfriend (a.k.a. was dumped for another guy). He started to confide in me… but then they got back together and all our progress ended. I won’t go into details, but it was not fun. I was a good supportive sister, and I did not bad mouth her (thank goodness). He was really devastated over the whole thing, but he seems happier now. I’m glad that he is ok… but I can’t stop being the big sister. I just keep my mouth shut and my ears open when it comes to his relationship.

Now they are talking about moving in together, and I can’t help but hope that it doesn’t happen. As much as I want to see him independant (and moved out of my parent’s house), I don’t think it is the best idea to jump into that right away. It’s hard enough to move out on your own for the first time without the added trouble of living together with your gf.

In any case, like I said I am keeping my lips zipped. I will vent here and nowhere else… and I will keep my fingers crossed and pray that he makes a wise decision.

Anyway, my fiance is trying really hard to build a relationship with him. I am so proud of him for trying! He has been asking my brother to hang out, and he also asked him to be a Groomsman in our wedding. He is such a sweetheart, and my brother seems to be responding well.

I am hoping it is the start of something good!

I am now calmed down, and less jaded. I guess the whole thing just kind of threw me for a loop. I thought things were going so well… we were doing stuff together and getting along better than we have in a while and then the party thing happened. I felt like a got the wind knocked out of me! But. I am over it now and I am ready to start fresh.

Now that school is out I am going to double my efforts.

My new goal within a goal for this summer is this:

I want my brother and his gf to be comfortable hanging out with me, and I will do my best (and not just say it’s my best) to befriend them both.

Here goes nothing, I have a lot of work to do but I am going to be positive.

It was my brother’s 21st birthday last week. His girlfriend threw him a party and didn’t invite me. No one told me, not even my bf’s little sister who knew about it. I am depressed.

And mad. I am mad that my brother doesn’t encourage his gf to get to know me. I am mad at her for not thinking of me. I am mad at both of them for not making more of an effort to spend time with my family too. And lastly, I am mad at my bf’s little sister for not telling my brothers gf that I should be invited.

This sucks.

I even got him a nice present and texted him happy birthday. What a crummy brother.

We went to see Enchanted last Friday night, I was so happy they decided to come! We went out for pizza, and then to the movie. It was a little awkward, and we didn’t always know what to say but it was a great start. My bf was really proud of me for making the effort, and he thought it went better than he expected. I was so excited and nervous about getting together, I had butterflies in my stomach when we met them at the restaurant. I felt like a giggly little high school girl, all tongue tied and flustered.

I don’t think it showed though, I tried my very best to make everyone feel comfortable and at ease. We actually had a decent conversation. His girlfriend is pretty quiet around me, but she actually talked to me at the restaurant. I think they were both suprised that I asked them to come!

The movie was a little silly, but I think everyone liked it alright. I mean really, it was Disney. Personally, I loved it. I grew up on Disney Princess movies and I thought it was hilarious, what could be funnier than Disney poking fun at itself? In any case it wasn’t the movie that mattered, it was that we were making an effort to get together.

I hope it is a start to something good. I’m glad I tried. It was a little wierd, but altogether positive.

I invited my brother and his gf to a movie tomorrow night, but he hasn’t gotten back to me yet. I hope they say yes, it has taken me a while to find a time that fits in with my schedule, and a movie they haven’t seen. They go to the theater all the time, so it is really hard to find something they haven’t already gone to. Unfortunately they may not want to see my movie, I’m kind of guessing that if they had wanted to see it they already would have. I should stop prattling. Can you tell I’m nervous?

I texted him and found out he gave her the promise ring yesterday (their one year anniversary). I was right, he got her the one with diamonds. I had a feeling he wouldn’t listen to me about it. It is pretty, but he needs to learn how to save money.

Guess I’ll have to wait and see about the movie. If he doesn’t want to go I won’t let it ruin my fun. I’ll be disappointed, but my bf and I will have a good time without them. Yeah. That is the spirit!

He finally replied and said he would go halfsies with me. Then he called me on his cell, and we had an 8 minute conversation. 8 minutes! I haven’t had a convo that long with him in ages! I know its pathetic, but it made me happy.

He was calling to ask what to get our mom for her b-day. Then he informed me he was going to get a promise ring for his gf and asked for my opinion. Eeek! I’m happy he asked me, but at the same time it freaks me out a little bit that he wants to get her a promise ring. After a year, I still barely know the girl. Partly because I am really busy and hardly ever home, partly because my brother is hardly ever home and when he is he isn’t with her, and partly because I have been in denial a little bit about her.

He wants to get her a $300 ring with a 1/4 carat diamond. I told him to do what he likes, but that I thought he shouldn’t get her a diamond. I feel like a girl’s first diamond ring from her bf should be her engagement ring, and it takes away a little bit to get one before. I suggested he get her the birth stone for the month they started dating. I think he will go with the diamond though, he wasn’t really interested in my opinion.

I am mixed up about it, somewhere between freaked out and excited that he actually talked to me about something. Why can’t things ever be clear? I only want one emotion at a time, but I have all these other feelings about my brother clamoring for attention. I keep telling myself to stop being so confused, to just stop thinking about everything so much. It really isn’t working.

I miss when we were five, and after the fight over the sandbucket was done we went back to being best buddies. All was forgiven. Why do things have to get so complicated when you grow up?