stop self harming

I gave up on this and to be honest I was doing quite well, but after todays events I think I need to really work on this one.

So last night I cut while drunk, I made a mess of my arm. This morning I really did regret it after seeing the state of my arm. I got dressed and headed into work but about an hour into my shift my arm began to really hurt, I went to the toilet to find the inside of my jacket and tshirt sleeve covered in blood.

I debated biting my lip and getting on with my shift or confiding in my old team leader, at first I just asked her for some bandages but she asked why (even though I think she knew)

A long story short and the first aider had to get involved, they had to help me get my jacket off at this point, this is when I saw the look of shock and sadness on my old team leaders face… my face probably looked ashamed as thats how I felt.

Afterwards, the team leader just logged me out of my systems and told me to go home without even giving me a choice, not in an “angry go home now” way but in a “I can see you shouldn’t be in work today” way.

Not only does this reiterate that I shouldn’t get drunk alone (this isn’t the first time something like this happened) but also I really need to stop this, it’s the first time work have become involved and it really was shameful.

I thought I could do this but I can’t.

A couple of weeks ago I took steps back by giving in and hurting myself. I really hate that I did as I was doing so well and my team leader at work found out about it too.

I thought I had them hidden pretty well but clearly not as he pulled me aside into a meeting room and began to ask how I was and if I was ok, pointing at the cuts poking through the bottom of my now blood stained sleeve due to the cuts opening back up.

p.s. I got my internet connection back today yipee

hormones can be an evil thing, tonight is going to be a long and difficult night, I don’t want to mess this one up.

wow its been like 2 months or something now! I’ve really surprised my self, work has been tough… transferred to a new unit at work, lots of negative gossip about me, lots of judging eyes, nobody really talking to me (hopefully that will change) yet, I haven’t done anything stupid which makes me really happy

Some of this week I’ve come close to messing this whole thing up, I’ve come close to hurting myself ruining all my hard work and taking steps back. How I’ve managed not to I have no idea.

I meet my new team at work next week, I’m hoping this means new friends, I could do with some more right now.

It’s been over a month since I self harmed, I’m quite proud of myself :)

its now been 2 1/2 weeks since i did :) a month is my first goal and im more than half way there!

this is such a hard one…

I’ve been avoiding writing on this goal like the plague. Since I last wrote on here I’ve since cut once.. technically twice, so I guess I’m doing well?

The “first” time I was actually sat in the work toilets desperately trying to open up my existing wounds with my employee ID swipe card, well lets just say that didnt work (luckily??)

The second time, I went nuts and just attacked my shoulder before work which was a big mistake! my second big mistake was wearing a wide neck top where the shoulders have chance to move and slip about. Imagine my shock when a work friend commented that my shoulder was bleeding as the tops shoulder had slid down a little, I’m not sure if I covered my tracks with that one, I think she suspected :(

So, I SUCK! but at the same time, that was around a week ago now so in another sense I’m doing ok as atleast its not every day or something.

I need to stop, one thing I’ve noticed is I let it all build up inside and then just go crazy, all my feelings, anger, being alone, sadness etc, i let it all fester until i pop and let it out the wrong way. Thats the reason for this entry, i need to find an outlet, something safe and regular to not let any of it build up.

I need to find a hobby or something i think

I’m very ashamed of myself, I’d stopped, I’d got past it and it had been well over 6 months since I had self harmed.

Then two weeks ago I snapped over something and did it, and again a few days ago… but theyre deeper than ever, I’ve never ever done them as serious, its like having the grand canion on my shoulder. I went into work the following day and I must have knocked it or something making it open up, I took my jacket off and the whole shoulder on the top i was wearing was completely red, soaked in blood so i had to keep my jacket on for the entire day to hide it.

im such a screw up, why did i do this? i was doing well and now ive got myself stuck in a loop again and made myself feel incredible alone and ashamed over it and myself