overcome agoraphobia

I wanted to go out somewhere by myself yesterday and I had no where to go so I tried to take my dog for a walk in the morning and it didn’t go so well lol. I took Lailah, the oldest one and she kept stopping at every single house , then stopping and starting just for the hell of it. Then she would jump at cars. Then I heard a dog barking further down the street and I’m like screw this so I turned around and took her home. I felt so bad for Lailah though we only got halfway up the street and she had to come home. But I cannot control that dog and I was scared something bad would happen to her like a dog attacking her or her getting out of her harness and running off. Adam is the one who usually walks her once a weekend and she walks just fine with him, she must be able to sense that I’m nervous when I walk her lol.

So when we got home I was kind of frustrated that I didn’t get to walk more outside because once I got out there I didn’t want to stop. I was going to go back out by myself but I didn’t have anywhere to go and I didn’t want to walk around to go no where. So I rang my mum to see if she wanted to go shopping because I wanted to get some more clothes to wear to the course if I do end up doing it. I told her I would walk to her house and we could go shopping from there. Usually she picks me up in the car and we go shopping. But she only lives a 10 minute walk away from my house so I walked there just for myself. I just thought if I can’t do this then how the hell am I going to walk to the train station every day or go into the city every day alone.

The whole walk there I was nervous all I could think about was how I looked and nothing else. For some reason when I got to my mum’s I felt worse after having walked there and I have no idea why. I hadn’t walked anywhere alone for over a year. But the shopping experience was fun, as it always is lol. I don’t really go to my mums house that often and we hardly ever talk on the phone. But we do go shopping together a lot so when I think about it we do spend a bit of time together.

I went to the book shop 2 days ago to find the books on body dysmorphic disorder but they said they don’t sell them in that store and I’ll have to check in the city. But I might just buy them online from the bookshop instead.

My life feels really weird right now, like I don’t feel like myself.I wrote a list of things I want to have accomplished in the next 5 years in order of importance so that is motivating me to do more things.

And ever since I’ve had the nose job my opinion of my face keeps changing every day or every second day. Some days I think to myself ” wow this looks so much better I’m so glad I got it done” and other days I think ” I wish I never got it done it looks hideous and my whole face looks worse off now” and I’m looking at the same before and after pictures every time my mind changes it’s starting to really annoy me.

The agoraphobia is getting so much better that I would say I’m not really agoraphobic anymore, It’s more just mild social phobia now.

I have what I would call a HUGE decision to make within the next two weeks. I feel like I really want to do this and if I turn down this opportunity it’s only going to prolong my situation. But if I do turn it down I can stay safely in my comfort zone.

I was given the opportunity today to do a free business course, designed specifically for people who want to work in an office, like everything you need to know about computers and things like that. This course is full time so starts in the morning, finishes late in the afternoon and has hour brakes daily. It goes 5 days a week for four weeks. I automatically thought this is perfect, until I heard the rest .

This course will be in the city, I have to get there to and from by myself and use a train. I hate the city beyond belief, I haven’t been there alone for seven years. I also hate trains and haven’t used any form of public transport for over seven years alone because I think they are too dangerous. And the idea of going to the city by myself and catching trains by myself just makes me want to say no straight away. If it was somewhere other than the city I would of said yes but that is the only place that will do it.

I wanted to switch the courses I’m doing now and just pay for this course myself so I could do it at home instead, but I’m sure it goes for a lot longer than 4 weeks, more like 12 months and I can’t exactly wait that long. Another thing I was thinking is that if I did agree to this , it would most likely make me overcome the agoraphobia because I would do everything by myself , and for 4 weeks. But sometimes I get excited about doing something and then at the last minute I don’t leave my house because I’m too scared . And I don’t want to say yes and have that happen because that will look worse if I don’t turn up at all.

This course is important because without it I can’t get an office job because I lack the skills needed. I can’t do anything other than an office job right now because I’m not a people person and I hate retail with a passion. Although I have done 4 years full time in retail, I hated it ever since I started and hated it until the day I finished. I was so miserable there and I think in an office setting with no customers to talk to , and no phone conversations I would feel comfortable and happy.

Like yesterday I was going to go shopping, but declined at last minute because of my face lol. I had the nose job in April and I hate so much the results and want another one done. But I can’t help taking hundreds of pictures a day and looking at them and when I do I get even more depressed about it. And ever since I’ve had the nose job I’ve been getting pimples, which I never had many of before I have no idea why this is happening. But now I have a few scars on my face from the pimples which make up does not cover, it only highlights it even more. I feel so miserable. I want my face lasered so it takes the redness away left from all these pimples and I know the scarring will always be there but if I would love to get it done so I don’t have to wear my make up so thick because I think that draws attention to me and I hate it. I don’t know what to do .

I started thinking about where I want to be in life in 5 years from now, and in 5 years I will be 27 years old. That’s scary especially considering I haven’t done very much with my life so far. So I’m really thinking about just doing this course because with this course comes work experience. I always complain that I’m wasting too much time doing nothing so if I turn down this opportunity then I am an idiot.

Ever since February this year I have been pushing myself to do things I never would have done in order to overcome this goal. I avoided these things in the last 3 years because I thought it would just make things worse but it has helped so much. I don’t think I can cross this goal off my list just yet but almost. I will be working again by the end of the year and I’m so excited about that, just part time at first to get use to it, then full time when I’m ready. Just to get out of the house for a few hours a day will make me appreciate coming home even more. The only bad thing is I will miss my dogs and I hate leaving them at home by themselves.

I’m still not completely happy with my looks because of the body dysmorphic disorder. One day I am full of confidence and happy with the way I look and the next day I hate my looks so much I just want to give up on everything and it keeps changing with every day or week that’s one of my setbacks right now. But I’m caring less and less about what others think and more and more about what I think, my opinions and what I want. There will always be people out there who judge everyone and make things harder for people but that’s always going to be like that and I can’t hide away forever. So far I’ve learned that for me the best way to overcome this goal is to push myself to do things even though on the inside I’m scared out of my mind. Also therapy did not work for me, I had to be mentally ready myself and only I could help myself. I thought therapy was a bit weak and didn’t help much at all.

This year is the year that I’m going to overcome this, I can feel it. I’m finally ready to do this, I want it badly enough to push myself enough to overcome this. I’ve done things this year I hadn’t done in years. I’ve done things this year I’ve never done before. I even feel like a different person . If not this year , then most definitely by next year.

It’s so much easier for me to go out now and make phone calls and get things done. I’ve made an appointment to see a psychologist next week. And I will go there weekly for I don’t know how long . I’m going to be doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which I think is good, because I refuse to take any kind of medication. And I am actually wanting to do this , I want to talk to someone .

I just turned 22 last week and I feel like as I’m getting older I’m caring less and less about what other people think about me and more about what I think and want I want and what’s important to me. I also know that when I want something I will do anything to get it even if it means going out of my comfort zone, I just have to want it bad enough.

I had surgery on Friday and I wasn’t allowed to wear make up. I hadn’t left the house without make up on for 10 years prior to Friday . And I never thought I would have done it. But because I was having surgery the adrenaline was taking my mind off the fact that I didn’t have make up on. So that was a huge step for me it felt really good to leave the make up off for once. I won’t be doing that again unless I have to but just to say that I did it is huge. It’s like it made me accept myself without make up on .

The day I had surgery I was alone in the waiting room for a few hours and afterwards and all the other patients had family with them . Adam didn’t want to stay he wanted to go home and sleep , and he even had the nerve to treat me like sh*t on the same night aswell. But this time it felt different . I didn’t feel alone and lonely . I felt confident that I can do everything alone and not need anyone there with me . And then I thought to myself I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life so I should start embracing it because it does make me stronger . I stayed there alone with no make up on and had no anxiety whatsoever, because I felt safe . Once I realized no one was looking at me strange I realized maybe it really is all in my head like everyone keeps telling me lol (the make-up issue)

My agoraphobia was so bad 3 years ago that I couldn’t even make a phone call or answer the phone or go outside with someone. I couldn’t even take a photo of myself without make up on because it disgusted me so much .Now I can do all those things easily except shopping alone . But I’m working on that one. I’m too polite and nice and people take advantage of that and walk all over me so I want to work on my personality a bit so I don’t let others do that to me.

I’m going to get a part time job by the end of this year , I’m not going to work full time . Part time is better for me because it’s only 4-6 hours a day so there’s no time for a big break in between , which means no time for me to think about the situation which is good.

This year I’m focusing on pushing myself even if I don’t want to do something . Because if I didn’t do that I wouldn’t be where I am now , I have made so much progress this year and it keeps getting easier . I’m always going to be a quiet private person but that’s just me . I just need more self confidence . I have all the confidence in the world when I’m at home but when I go out it goes down a lot .

This goal hasn’t been a high priority of mine for the last few years, I put most of my other goals before this one but I’m ready to actually try to do this.

My goal is to overcome agoraphobia by the end of this year . It is getting a bit easier to go out now I’m not avoiding things I just do them . The fact that I will be 22 in 2 months is what’s making me push myself out of the situation a bit more because I don’t want to waste my 20’s at home isolated I would hate myself if I did that to myself .

For the last few weeks I have forced myself out of my situation. I went in the backyard without make up on quite a lot and didn’t care .I would never go out in public without make up though ever but the backyard was a huge step for me . I have gone out without a jacket on . Usually I wear a jacket as well as a top with jeans or pants when I leave the house just to hide myself . But it has been so hot here in the last week that I had no choice but to not wear a jacket when I went out today because I would have drawn more attention to myself by wearing a jacket on a 40c day lol. Usually I would of canceled my appointment or just not gone out , but I did it and I didn’t even care that I was out I didn’t feel insecure at all I just felt happy .

It seems to me that I have a distorted view of reality , because I haven’t been out much in the last few years I see the world through the tv and my thoughts. I feel like if I don’t look immaculate then I shouldn’t leave the house. But when I go out I realize that most people don’t think that way and everyone looks rather average and normal and happy. I don’t know why I think I have to look good in order to be seen or heard, I guess I place my self worth in my appearance. It all comes down to the body dysmorphic disorder .

The thing is, I have to be working by the end of the year so I am trying to push myself out of this situation as much as I can now so it won’t be harder for me when I have to work every day . So far it’s been really easy , I guess all I needed was to be pushed out of the situation without choice . Maybe I was only in this situation for so long because I could be and I was taking advantage of it a little . Agoraphobia I can overcome, it’s the body dysmorphic disorder that is going to be the real challenge.

I’m just unbelievably bored right now so I thought I would write an entry in here . I haven’t left this house since Xmas eve when I went to my mum’s for the day with Adam and Lailah . I want to go outside so bad that I feel like crying because I just can’t do it . Every time I let Lailah outside when she wants to go out , it’s sunny and the air smells really nice I just want to go out there and sit in the sun . LOL I love the smell of the air in summer . And in Summer it always brings back happy memories of all the fun things I’ve done in my lifetime in the Summer months.

It’s so strange how just being in the sun or being outside for that matter , can change my whole outlook on a situation. I love the outdoors , and I use to spend most of my time outside before I was agoraphobic . When I don’t leave the house for weeks at a time, sometimes not even seeing outside the doors or curtains I start to think my life is all about me and that nothing else exists or matters. But when I look out the door from the inside the real world comes back to me and reality sets in a little.

So here’s why I can’t go outside, and have avoided it for most of the last few years :
I have body dysmorphic disorder, which is what caused the housebound agoraphobia state. If I want to go into my backyard for 5 minutes, I have to put on sunscreen all over my body and wait 20 minutes till it starts to work before thinking about going outside because I want to avoid any chance of getting a freckle. Then I have to make sure my hair is straightened and my make up is on and immaculate . It seems like a lot of work just for 5 minutes or so , and so I don’t even bother. And when I do bother, sometimes I get too nervy and don’t go out the backdoor anyway and then get really annoyed because I made myself up for nothing .

Another thing I noticed last year is that I eat a lot out of boredom and when I actually think about what I’m mindlessly eating, I can feel a full feeling in my stomach like I’m not even hungry , yet I’ll keep eating soon after because the thoughts go away and I forget about it . When I go out shopping with my sister and she wants to get fast food on the way home I always say no because I’m not hungry , I can go the whole day without eating, and not be hungry just because I’m so happy that I don’t need food to fill that void I was missing alone isolated at home. Yes I do live with Adam, but he is such a miserable negative narcissist that I think he actually adds to my problems times 10. When he’s not here I feel so much better , come to think of it the last time he went to his dad’s for 3 days I took my dog for a walk and everything .

That was a long post lol but I am bored out of my mind tonight , I might add more later .

I said in my last entry that I have finally come to the stage where I can go out comfortably , but only if I’m with someone very close to me who I trust . Which is only 4 people , my mum, 2 sisters or Adam , so I can hardly ever go out because they’re always busy with their own lives of course.

I so badly just want to go out alone and get out of the house and see things, and just live instead of exist but I can’t, I can’t even go in the backyard alone , so going out by myself is just a distant dream right now. I know that eventually I will get over this enough to go out alone, but I don’t think I will ever overcome this completely. I’m so sick of wasting days at home doing nothing productive, just sitting here wishing I could go out and do anything .

Meanwhile I’m sitting here bored out of my mind, again. I’m so sick of the words bored and boredom I’ve used them over 500 times in the last month alone haha .

I’ve been going out every day for the past 2 weeks. I went to my mum’s house twice, I went shopping seven times , and to the dr’s , and for drives with Adam . I didn’t have much anxiety at all , but only because I was with someone else. I have found that when my hair and make-up is immaculate , and I don’t look fat , I have zero anxiety when I leave the house, but if my hair and make-up isn’t perfect , or I look chubby , my anxiety goes up high and I find it difficult to go outside . So I’m starting to think maybe I’m not agoraphobic, but actually have Body Dysmorphic Disorder which is causing me to be housebound . That’s what the dr’s said and I totally agree. I need to be able to get help with BDD before I can get out of this state that I am in .

I’m at the stage where I feel comfortable answering the phone, and making phone calls . I also feel comfortable going out , but only as long as I am with someone I feel comfortable and secure with . The strange thing is , I still can’t go out into my backyard alone, or in my front yard alone, and I still don’t like opening the curtains for fear of someone seeing me . I don’t get how I can go to the busy mall and no anxiety , but still can’t do simple things like answer the door, or go outside . Maybe it’s the excitement of buying something at the mall thats distracts me from my anxiety .