manage my Bipolar disorder

This week has just been hell. I’ve managed to become _{sort of} immune to all the bad news out there, but on Monday everything just came crashing down and I haven’t really been able to pick up the pieces since… It doesn’t help that I’m not really eating – when I become this stressed I just can’t seem to keep anything down. I’ve been getting too much sleep – probably trying to block out what’s happening in the world around me… The only positive of the week is that I’ve been more active than usual: I’ve taken the dogs for walks almost every day this week, and I had a friend over for dinner. (I generally try to avoid contact with the outside world when I’m feeling like this…) I know that Mom is worried about me. My brother is probably also worried about me after my talk with him this evening… I hate being a burden to them.

I love my job, I really do. But sometimes I wonder if it’s not killing me off in small pieces day by day… I can’t imagine going back to the “ignorance is bliss” world – I’ve crossed a bridge and it’s been blown to smithereens.

I need to find a way to cope with all the stuff I read every day. My dream was always to be a journalist; on the frontline, bringing the world the news they don’t want to know. I’ve long since realised that I’m not cut out for it… I would probably end up like Kevin Carter – overcome by everything this cruel world has to throw at you. The way things are going at the moment, I might still end up like him… _{sans Pulitzer…}

I’m amazed at the human will to survive. The inability to just give in; accept your fate. Things are falling apart in my country _{(I won’t even mention America sneezing and the rest of the world suffering from Pnumonia right now…)} and north of us a country on its knees are battling a cholera crisis that’s spilling across our borders… There is no hope. (Please, don’t think I’m exaggerating here… You don’t want to know the whole truth…) It would be so much easier to accept one’s fate and just live every day as though it might be your last.

Meticulous planning…

The past week has just been great. I’ve had so much energy. I’ve been eating much healthier (actually, much less too…), sleeping well, taking time out for myself. I feel really good. I can’t remember when last I felt this good… The disturbing stuff in the news just seem to bounce off me. That’s not normal in my line of work… Today I was telling my best friend how great I feel, and driving home it hit me that this might be a manic episode. There were no signs leading up to it.. None that I can recall anyway. Maybe I’m just experiencing inner-growth and healing (I PRAY this is the case!) But the energy is what’s scaring me. And the confidence. I’m only ever this confident during manic episodes :/

Maybe I should just enjoy this. I would like to believe that I can feel like this all the time. That it is a conscious decision I have to make.

I’ve not been feeling so good the past couple of weeks. I’ve been having trouble sleeping, and when I do sleep I have these disturbing dreams that haunt me for days. I’ve also been having trouble with constant headaches, and this morning decided to give my doctor a call and make an appointment to discuss my deteriorating health. Imagine my surprise when the receptionist told me that he’d immigrated to Australia at the end of last year… This is really quite a shock. I really liked him – he always made me feel like I wasn’t fighting this battle alone. He never made me feel like a freak when I told him about the dark depths my depression could reach, and always reminded me that we should treat my bipolar like you’d treat high cholesterol or diabetes in somebody else. That it was simply a chemical imbalance that had to be addressed in order for me to live a normal life. I trusted him. And now he’s gone, and he didn’t even let me know he was going… I don’t blame him for leaving – he’s simply another casualty of the brain drain that is affecting our country – I’m just sad for myself for losing my doctor. And I don’t know where to start looking for another one.

I don’t think it’s just me at the moment. South Africa is going through a really bad time at the moment. We are in the 13th day of load shedding because our corrupt government ignored warnings 10 years ago that we’d run out of power in 2007. Subsequently we are experiencing major blackouts across the country. Major economic losses. Traffic chaos. And all the wet weather isn’t helping either.
Last week one of our friends committed suicide. He gassed himself in their garage. He’d only turned 29 the previous week. His wife of little more than a year didn’t suspect anything… He didn’t leave a note. He really wasn’t the type you’d expect it from. Good job, lovely wife, he’d just put in an offer on a house they’d wanted to buy… We’re all left dumbstruck at his sudden death, but with things in the country going the way they are, I can see how desperation can set in…
My current contract ends in 2 months’ time. Then I’ll be unemployed again in a country where the color of your skin determines whether you’ll get a job or not. I’ve been taking my meds and talking to my friends, staying away from alcohol and trying to get enough sleep, but I can feel the darkness setting in. I’m so scared… I don’t want to use the word hopeless, because I’ve still got a lot going for me and I’ve got to make a conscious effort to remind myself of it all the time, but…