The only way to deal with this depression is to face it head on. I can’t count on my family, my friends nor my boyfriend to feel better. It has to start from within, from me. There is no one who can help me but myself.
latenitewanderer has written 19 entries about this goal
They say when you’ve hit rock bottom, there’s no way to go but up. I really hope things start looking up from here because I am getting a little devastated at how things are going right now.
It’s Wednesday and I’ve only gotten one call-back for a possible job in Singapore. The lady I spoke to yesterday told me she was going to email me the job description, but so far, I haven’t received anything in the mail yet. I’m trying hard to be positive about this, but I’m seriously losing hope.
It doesn’t help at all that I’m not doing anything in the office. I feel like I’m no longer developing useful skills or learning anything new because I’m not doing anything. :( I really feel bad about how things are going in the office at the moment and I’m so demoralized in terms of hoping to even advance here.
How can I be strong in times like this? I need someone to guide me, offer me good advice and not be as clueless as I am about this. I need someone who’s actually been there and done that.
Lately, I’ve been feeling down in various aspects of my life and the people I used to lean on for support are suddenly preoccupied with their own priorities.
On the job front, it’s really hard to be strong about job-hunting in Singapore when things just don’t look promising at the moment. I feel very insecure about my abilities especially now that I’ve just heard that an acquaintance (who’s about the same age as I am and with the same years of experience) just found a job in Singapore after only two weeks! I’ve been searching for almost one year already and still nothing! :( I’m trying my best not to feel envious about this, and instead use this bit of news to work harder. :) I have to keep the faith and just keep working harder than ever to find a job there.
On the love front, well…things are going really well with my boyfriend, but things aren’t going so well with the one I used to love. The one I used to love so dearly has just found a new love and I am a bit devastated that things will never be the same between us. He will always and forever be my bestest friend in the world and it kills me a bit that I am now just his number 2 priority after his new love. Aiiieee. When I think about all the history between us and how much we’ve gone through together, I feel a tinge of regret for not being strong enough to fight for my love for him before. I’ve been thinking, if only…
The world is as it should be.
I should stop thinking these depressive thoughts and just focus my energies in working harder and being stronger in face of such adversities.
I was really doing well with this goal until last night when I had another emotional breakdown over my relationship, my capabilities and my hope in finding a job in Singapore. Everything just went crashing and I had all these doubts in myself and I was seeing the future through very gray glasses. It was so horrible. I was crying all night and then, this morning, I was complaining to my boyfriend about being so weak to the point of just giving up on all these wonderful blessings and opportunities that are coming my way.
I don’t know when the light finally shone on me, but I’m feeling a little better now. I just really need to hang in there, hold on and have faith that things will get better and that God loves me. It’s really not what happens to me, but what I do with what happens to me that matters.
Here is a poem by Christian D. Larson that somehow lifted my spirits this morning. I really need to promise myself to do these things for a happier life.
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.
To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.
-Christian D. Larson
Some people may say walking away is a cop-out because you’re literally walking away from a problem and not dealing with it. However, sometimes, walking away can be a test of strength because it’s never easy to walk away from someone or something that does you more harm than good, when you’re attached to that person or thing.
Today, I made a difficult decision of walking away from a very close person in my life because I really cannot deal anymore with the amount of confusion and hurt he unknowingly brings to my life. I thought I could deal with it before, because my love encompassed whatever inconvenience that he posed before me..but now, I just see how utterly selfish he is in this relationship and how he will never ever commit to me(even if he claims he loves me and I’m the most important person in his life) for the simple fact that I’m just not his type and I will probably never be his type. It hurts me to come to terms with this. And now that I’m finally happy with someone else, he comes back to my life and confuses me again with his proclamations of love. Maybe he has issues with commitment, maybe issues with himself that he needs to sort out on his own first…whatever his reasons are for doing this to me no longer matters. I have decided to walk away and stop putting my life on hold for this person any longer. I waited for him for 3 years, hoped that one day he will wake up and realize that I’m the one..but now I can see that this is an exercise in futility and it’s really better that I love people who want a relationship with me instead of waiting for him to commit. There you go. My point is, today, I was strong in walking away.
Being strong means knowing myself more than my friends do and standing up for my decisions regardless of their opinions about it. It means not getting so much affected by the opinions of other people because they don’t really know what’s happening in my relationships or my life. It means not getting swayed into doing what other people think is best for me and doing what I think is best for me.
I took this picture this morning after a very rainy evening. This picture is to remind me how much more beautiful we become after enduring trials in life. In strength, there is beauty.
So I think I’m really doing well with this goal. This past weekend, I managed to conquer my paranoia and not create drama over his social activities. I don’t cry as much anymore because I am assured that he loves me completely no matter what he does, however he’s feeling. =)
so i added this to my 43things because i just can’t live like this anymore. i can’t have mini-breakdowns every single time my boy disappoints me or annoys me or argues with me. i can’t. i really don’t understand why there’s so much baggage in my heart, why i can’t be as carefree as i used to be and why the smallest things that he does sets me off. i have to be emotionally strong. i can’t keep crying at the thought of him, or at the thought of life without him. i lived for 24 years on this planet without him, so i should be fine. i need my heart to be strong.
i guess, i just need to sort out a lot of things for myself these days. i feel frustrated by the recent setbacks that i’ve encountered this year. i started the year with so much hope in my heart and well, sometimes, reality just disappoints. see, i’m being vague again because i just don’t have the heart to elaborate. why i always avoid the things that hurt me, i don’t understand. gah, i don’t know how i’m going to manage with this goal. i need guidance, universe!
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