get over him

I keep forgetting about this goal, which I suppose is a good thing. It must mean I’m not thinking about him.

I’ve made two notably positive steps since my last entry:

1. I ran into him for the first time since all that drama after the break up. I knew that it was going to happen eventually and I’d been dreading it for months. Each time I went into town I’d scan every face and wait for that horrible flash of recognition. I was certain that when we did finally see eachother again it would be devestating and embarassing at best, or at worst there would be a public brawl. But guess what? It was fine. I’m still thanking my lucky stars that it happened on a day I was looking and feeling good, and that he saw me with a really good (and handsome, which can never hurt!) friend of mine. He stopped to say hi for a bit and of course it was superly awkward – I don’t think we made eye contact once for more than a second. But I think we both handled it really maturely (it must have been hard for him too). And now that it’s over with I don’t have to worry about bumping into him anymore!

2. I had a really wonderful New Years Eve. I’ve got a lot of memories with him attatched to New Year and I was all ready and expecting the first one without him to be incredibly difficult to get through, but to my surprise it wasn’t. He barely even crossed my mind.

I’m having some trouble deciding how I’ll know when I’m done with this goal. I’m not sure if I am right now, and just the fact that I’m questioning it makes me think that I’m not. I feel like a whole lot is resting on me being able to say ‘I’m over him’ and it’s not something I want to take lightly. Regardless, I don’t think it’ll be much longer now.

It’s been ages since I updated this goal. I’m trying to remember what’s happened since my last entry. Quite a lot I think. I’m not sure I can even think that far back!

Ok, so quick summary. I had a few problems with him for a while after we broke up; he was constantly calling and turning up at my house, things like that. He was being so spiteful, it was really upsetting. I kept telling him to just leave me alone but he didn’t take any notice. It got pretty out of hand, until one night I just refused to answer the phone to him. He banged on my front door screaming and swearing until he eventually got tired of that and sat outside my window throwing stones instead. This went on literally for hours. He’d still been calling me this whole time too, so I answered the phone and told him if he didn’t leave I’d call the police. He knew I meant it and he eventually left (at around 4:30am, I think).

(But he only made it to the end of the street before he got picked up by the police – turns out one of the neighbours had called them anyway, ha!)

Anyway, so that was the turning point. He really believed I’d cave eventually and we’d get back together again, and when I left him outside all night I think he was quite shocked that I was standing up for myself. It took something like that for him to respect me!

I’ve seen him a few times since then but only very briefly. We were civil to each other but since that night something in the dynamics between us has shifted and we both know it. I’m sad it had to end like that but I couldn’t put up with his shit anymore, it was making me ill. It got to the point where I had to choose between him or me.

Anyway, on the ‘get over him’ front I don’t think I’m doing too badly. It’s difficult because feel like I should hate him for how he treated me, and besides, I’m the one who broke up with him! Why does it feel like it’s the other way around? I think another problem is that I’m good friends with one of his old school friends, so they knew each other quite well. They don’t keep in contact anymore but my friend tends to bring him up in conversation a lot without thinking. It always happens when my guard is down, and every time I hear his name it’s like a punch in the stomach.

I’m definitely well on my way to completing this goal though, I think it’s just a matter of waiting. I felt like I’d never ever get past this to begin with but time really does heal. Every day I don’t talk to him is another day I don’t need him, and eventually I’ll wake up one morning and everything will be ok. I’ll be able to think about him without missing him, and I’ll realise that he wasn’t that important to me anyway. I’ll get there.

Sorry for the huge entry.

I finally got my act together and broke up with him, again. This time there’s definitely no going back. Not only will the situation just keep getting worse to the point that we can’t even bear to look at each other, but there’s no way I’m putting myself through all that shit for a third time.

I know I’ve done the right thing and I know I have to stay firm, but this is so incredibly hard. I swear it’s worse than the last time. I need to keep in mind the way he was treating me and how unhappy I was, because every time he calls me begging to give him another chance my heart just breaks.

It’s weird to think that I was doing just fine on my own before I met him, because right now being alone seems like the most unbearable thing ever. I think that’s why our relationship dragged on for as long as it did, because I know he didn’t want to be by himself either.

I know the first few weeks are the worst. I know this feeling will pass; it just doesn’t feel like it right now. I need to make an effort to get up in the mornings and keep myself busy during the day, because it’s so tempting to stay curled up in my bed until it gets dark again.

After much persuasion I caved in and got back together with him, and I know things aren’t right. Funnily enough he’s been treating me well, but I think it’s just too late for that. The resentment has been building up for so long and now whenever I’m with him, even if we’re just cuddled up on the sofa watching a film or something, all I can think about is how awful he was to me before and I just want to scream.

I’m pretty sure things are going to come to a head soon, one way or another. Either I’ll snap and go completely crazy at him, or we’ll both get tired of eachother and go our separate ways. Or maybe something else, I don’t even care anymore to be honest. I’m miserable with him and miserable without him, but at least while we’re together I’m not alone. Why waste time worrying about what’s going to happen? I’ll just go with the flow and see where it takes me.

The only thing that’s bothering me is that I feel like I’m leading him on by not telling him what I’m really feeling. He’s talking about stuff we’ll be doing and places we’ll be going in the next few years, making all these plans, and I just nod along and pretend I’m excited when I’m really thinking, “It’s never going to happen.” I wish so much we could do all those things and be happy together, because I still love him and can’t imagine being with anyone else. I don’t want to hurt him, and I hate the thought that I’m using him just to keep myself from being lonely.

I’m going to leave this goal on my list a while longer because as I said, even though we’re back together I’m fairly certain it won’t be for long.

I’ve dug myself into a right hole. Everything was going as planned, I hadn’t contacted him once and I was even starting to think about him without feeling sad. I really thought the last entry I wrote for this goal would be my last one.

He called me at some ridiculous hour last night. We’d agreed weeks ago that we wouldn’t be talking or seeing eachother again, so I was a bit taken aback when I answered the phone to his voice. (Especially since it seems now I’m the strong one, and it’s him who needs me all of a sudden.) We spent an hour or so talking, mainly him telling me he misses me and that he’s changed, and please just let’s give it another go. In the end he walked an hour to my house from where he was staying with a friend (with me down the phone begging him not to), so he could try to convince me in person.

This sounds all lovely and romantic now that I’m seeing it in writing, but I know it isn’t. He treated me so badly and there’s not a chance in hell he’s changed his ways so quickly.

Anyway, I ended up agreeing to let him prove things are different this time, that he’s different. He stayed the night, and surprise surprise, we slept together.

Argh. Why why why did I do it? Why can’t I just say no to him? I’m feeling like a complete idiot, and I’m terrified I’ve just put myself right back where I was when we first broke up. Cutting him out of my life was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, and I don’t know if I could do it a second time.

He turned up at my door at about 2:00am last night (he said he just wanted to see how I was doing, but most likely he couldn’t sleep and didn’t have anywhere else to go). We ended up talking about a lot of stuff, probably things that should have been said months ago. I told him I didn’t think we should keep seeing eachother.

I think I shocked him – when we broke up he didn’t think I would cope without him, he said so himself. And now I’m cutting him out of my life completely! To be honest, I didn’t think I could do it either.

I spent the rest of the night crying after he left, but I woke up this morning feeling so much better. It’s like a weight has been lifted. I can’t begin to imagine how hard the next couple of weeks are going to be, but I’m not thinking about that right now. I’m just proud of myself for being strong. :)

... and to do that, I need to stop seeing him altogether. I knew right from the start that’s what needs to happen for me to mark this goal completed.

We still see eachother quite often, and everytime we see eachother we end up sleeping together, and I just can’t keep doing it anymore. It’s making me miserable. We’re dragging this out, and the longer it goes on for the more difficult it’s getting.

I’m going to have to tell him I can’t see him anymore. Ugh, he’s going to hate me. This is so hard.

I’ve spent the past few days moping around and feeling sorry for myself. I can’t seem to find the motivation to do anything. I should be trying to get my life back on track right now, trying to mend some of the bridges I burned while I was with him (I made a big mistake in letting my boyfriend become my whole life, and now that we’re finished I’m left with pretty much nothing to fall back on).

I feel like this is all wrong – it was me that broke up with him, I shouldn’t be depressed!

I’ve been fighting the urge to pick up the phone and call him. I’m constantly trying to remind myself of all the reasons I ended it with him, all those things he did to me and how awful he made me feel. I know I deserve better, but a part of me is thinking maybe being alone is even worse than all of that shit. Maybe that was the best I’m ever going to get it, and I should just learn to live with the horrible side of him.

All I know is something needs to change soon, because I don’t want to keep feeling like this anymore.

Saw him in town today with a girl. They were heading right in my direction so I dodged out of the way quick before he saw me because I didn’t want to have to speak to him. It was really awful, I wasn’t prepared to see him at all, let alone with someone else. Chances are it was completely innocent and she was just a friend.

Not that it matters anymore I suppose, he’s allowed to see who he wants to now. And it’s not that I wish I was still with him or anything, because he was treating me terribly and I’m confident I did the right thing ending it. It’s just sort of a slap in the face, finding someone new so soon after we’ve broken up; he obviously got over me pretty quick.

Ugh, I know, this shouldn’t even bother me anymore! It’s nice to have somewhere to vent though, now that I’ve got it all out I probably won’t be mulling it over in my head so much.

Yesterday was difficult. I was thinking about him all day, but managing to keep myself distracted enough so I didn’t start getting lonely and missing him too much. I’d almost fallen asleep at about 2am when I got a text. I was so happy to hear from him, woke myself up and texted him back, and out of nowhere he just turned nasty. I’m still not quite sure what happened, I think he was looking for a fight.

It really upset me though, I couldn’t get back to sleep and I can’t stop thinking about it. It feels like everytime I start to get over him a little bit, everytime I start coping with it and actually enjoying my life again, he does something that puts me right back where I started.

I hope he doesn’t contact me again, because I think he likes knowing he has that kind of power over me.