list the things eating at me

why?

In one case, I feel guilty. I’m going to call in sick which, while true, still makes me feel guilty. And nervous.

In the other case, I am reluctant. I need to call some movers. I am reluctant because I have inner resistance to this move. I probably wouldn’t have if it weren’t such a pain to move. I also have inner resistance to spending the money. Also, I am pretty drained so don’t feel like doing much.

:(

For example: I need to look at all my syllabi and revise them according to new realities. I’m afraid that I will see something there that I should have known about (like an exam) but forgot about. But of course that can only be solved by my looking at them (!) But I’m afraid to look at them. Around and around I can (potentially) go. I think I’ll just look at them.

Or homesick again. I’m afraid of having a drab, colorless life in which all of my rewards are work-related. And I’m tired of being alone. Not just in the usual sense, but in the sense I am here: many friends, but no social network and no built-in mechanisms to see people, i.e. it all depends on work.

A friend of mine called tonight to ask for advice on a possible relocation due to a great job offer. I didn’t tell him not to take it, but I strongly suggested that that was what I thought was better for his son (my friend currently lives in the same town as his son’s mother; the job would take him far away). With me I can’t imagine it would have even been a question if I had a kid. Even if I didn’t, actually: he is talking about leaving a place where he has a good job and good friends and an easy visitation situation. I can’t imagine any career ambition trumping that.

I am very fortunate, but I am not happy with my good fortune.

1. finances
2. bungled relationships
3. physical pain and the real possibility of never playing again
4. grading

I am avoiding opening my work email. I know what I will find there: emails from students asking for work back, asking why things aren’t posted to the website and administrative stuff.

Argh. I wish I didn’t feel this way, but this issue, while very trivial weighs on me heavily. It only gets worse as I put it off, of course.

I’m burdened by the people I’m estranged from, no matter who decided to dump whom, or who let it go through lack of attention. I may get more specific on this. But one thing that helped today is that one old friend that I had tried to get back in touch with sent me a Christmas card, and I found it in the pile of mail waiting for me when I got in. She has gone through a radical vocational change (although she’s amazingly talented at many things) and is pregnant with her first child. It gives me courage to work on the next one.

I live with a lot of fear most of the time. This is a tradeoff I get for not living a mundane life, although even if I did, I probably would be full of fear. One thing that I used to do that was practically helpful was I had a word processing file called “afraid of?” and I would go there and list things that were bothering me in the back of my mind. This way I would force myself to bring them forward and in plain sight.

I’m not going to list the really heavy duty existential things yet-just the smaller ones-but since some of the smaller ones are representative of some of the larger ones that might be challenging enough.