write down funeral directions

to ask everyone in my family what they want singing at their funerals while they are still alive. That would be a good use of my time. There are really really old (i don’t know how to say octogenarians when they are in their ninteties) members of my family for whom I don’t have a clue. What would I play if it was my husband or my kids and I had to make that decision?

It is so hard to know. To ask, even. Maybe I could reinvent myself as the family funeral DJ.

Can you get them to sing “You are my sunshine” in church? She was ninety-three, I was thirty five, and she sang it over the phone to me. One of my sunshines died and I am determined that that song gets sung, even if I have to drunkenly do it at the old people’s home afterwards (I’m sure they have a microphone).

Seeing as how death has touched the family again I’m going to carpe diem it and ask all the family who’d be at the funeral what they’d want singing at theirs. I’d just like them to think about it. I don’t even know what I want at mine, so it’s okay to be wrong. But sometimes I really wish I knew what was right.

what they’d write on my tombstone. I’d better be cremated so they don’t have to think that one up.

Would it be in English or in French? And would it be translated or two different things? I can imagine them going through Palgrave or some poetry Larousse thinking ‘Did she like that poet?’ Does anyone in this world actually know which poets I like? Could you imagine being in a state of grief and having to think quickly (I don’t think you can keep a corpse for more than a week). I’m sure there are little booklets you can consult, but even so.

Gosh. You can’t do that to people can you. I’ll either have to be cremated and put in a box with my name on or just be in the box for a little while and then spread somewhere so there is no place and no inscription.

Yes. That’s better. I’ve never been one for labels.

or cremated or whatever. It’s quite funny, thinking that I don’t actually worry enough about what I wear in life, it still seems important to be buried in something comfortable.

I wonder if I could have a huuuuge duvet. All white and fluffy. I know it’ll probably bump the costs up (more to cremate, bigger coffin) but it would be nice. Or maybe black would be more fitting? Yes, I think a big black fluffy quilt. With my favourite pillow in a black pillowcase.

Sorted.

(as in life, ha!) I am going to arrange for some person to step in and cancel all the paperwork in the event of my untimely demise. Unfortunately I can’t see this happening until I do ‘demise’, but never mind. Better late than never.

I’m serious. Calling all those automatic dialing services and never getting to a real person and when you do you’re sobbing all over them that you don’t know the difference between a pep and and an isa and (actually that wouldn’t be an issue, haha). Someone would still need to cancel the visa card and the passport, if I have both still in my possession at the time, which isn’t that likely given my track record. Still, there is the rest of the papertrail you only find out you’ve got usually when you move. Someone would have to do all of that. It has to be someone who got paid or liked doing that sort of thing.

Anyway, this would be a good thing to leave behind. That and a cleaning lady. But let’s not get carried away here.

should get to choose their own clothes (obviously I’m hoping they will be old enough for this not to be an issue when it happens. But you never know, and some people are still getting their clothes chosen for them at 40)

But no playing with that darn football on my coffin. Even if it would make good kerb practise or whatever it’s called.

piece that would make lovely filing out music. I mean you have to have good filing out music cos that’s when everyone’s all embarrassed and doesn’t know whether to cry or laugh and they have to remember the names of their cousins that have aged 20 years since they last saw them.

I think the music should be so good that everyone stops worrying about it and just files down the pub.

have to look it up and find out what it is.

this is actually much harder than the music. I’d say ‘something from one of my zap books’. Ooooh that would be evil. It would be my way of making everyone in my family learn English.

Might be a bit mean to make them do a crash course, though. Maybe I could have one French reading. Gads. It would have to be Mr Petit. And they’d have to read through all his scientific stuff to get to the appropriate phrases. Even better :)

I should probably decide where it’s going to be, avoid any nationalistic family arguments. Wonder how much it would cost to transport a dead womble to another country? And do you need a passport to do that?

Okay, given that we are mortal beings and all, I need to think about it. And I haven’t a clue who could be suitable carers – I mean, people’s lives change all the time. The people I secretly wanted most since had babies of their own, so it all becomes difficult again.

I would like to leave my kids in the charge of their blood relatives, but they have vested interets, especially as there are two different countries involved. So there would have to be a decider; a decision-making group. The people I know and love and who understand me should decide, among themselves, who should take care of my kids, entirely dependent on their mind view, finances and personal situation (in that order, at that time).

Mindview: cannot be too far removed from mine but obviously it’s going to be different.

Finances: sufficient finances are necessary; I don’t want my kids ever to live in a home where money is a source of argument, and especially not where they could feel like they are a source of argument because they cost money.

Personal situation: that’s just about ‘do you feel like you fit in enough to be able to help my kids fit in…’of least importance, but if the first two ever got settled, it’s the decider.

They, as a body, would get three votes, my mum gets one vote and my husband’s mum gets one vote.

So now all I have to do is name the group. I’ve been wondering about the 43people site. I think that’s what I will use it for.

it’s a bit mean to not leave music instructions. But I don’t know what I would ask for. It changes all the time. You don’t want the local organist commissioned to do her usual funeral stint and make everyone laugh with the wrong notes. Although they could at least have a giggle.

I reckon my kids would know better than anyone. Ok, I’ll leave that to them.