stop smoking and drinking

It’s so weird I was talking about my triggers for epilepsy. I think that I may have one soon. I binged last night and hardly ate now I’m paying for it. I’ll tell my mom that I didn’t sleep last night. Lies, lies, lies. I’m tired of lying to the people I love. It’s so terrible. I’m lying to myself: my friend once said that I have to consider others too when it comes to my drinking what if I drank so much and had a seizure while driving. I don’t want to die but I’m not sure whether I could quit forever. How disgusting is that.

I’ve decided to have day by day entries from now on to, hopefully, document my progress. Even if it is a bad day like today. I just wish I knew it would be this bad before I started.

First I’d like to thank everyone again for the support. It was amazing… I really love 43things because I don’t feel so alone and it’s not negative. Nowadays you get into a favourite site and everyone hates on others it’s just great to have people supporting each other rather than break each other down.

Second: I was thinking about how my seizures are usually triggered by something. Not eating, not sleeping etc. Maybe my alcohol and smoking addiction also have a tigger. I know this may sound weird but it could be reading… seriously. My favourite place to go to read is the cafe near my house where I smoke like a chimney and drink like a fish. I need to seriously think about the triggers in order to get better.

Wow, I can’t believe I’m doing this… I nearly erased this entry I dont know whether I’ll send it. I doubt it but at the same time I wish it goes out there. First I ask people not to judge please. I don’t know what I’d do without this site.

I’m so scared about saying this but here it goes. The reason that I want to stop drinking and smoking is not because I’m those people that drink at weekends and are tired of hangovers. Shit I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’m an alcoholic not in that ha ha joking way but in that I drink all the time, I drink alone, I drink in spite of my epilepsy, I hide the ammount that I have from my folks and my friends have told me to stop. Ok so now you probably think I’m this crazy drunkard chick on 43things, right? I’m not. I’m an average, educated middle class girl who sustains a good job (till she ends in 13 days), loves to read, wants to write, loves to dance and is passionate about anything creative. I love my family and friends but I have this problem. Last year I went to AA for a while after literally causing my clutch plate in my to burn out. I had to be driven to my house and my car had to be towed and I was so drunk I scraped my knee and the next day my gardener said I was extremely drunk. Basically what I’m saying is that I have a problem.

It was so easy saying it at the AA meeting and to my friends but saying it to whoever is out there reading is so difficult. I feel so connected to everyone here, you’ve been there for me when I needed you and now I feel like I’ve broken some unspoken trust.

Sometimes I lie in bed and think that I’m not going to wake up tomorrow because of what I’m doing to myself. I’m bloody 26. Shit now I’m crying at work. The smoking is the same. I think I have an addictive personality or something. That’s no excuse though.

I’ve spent sooo much money going to a restaurant and drinking and smoking it’s crazy. They know me so well at this restaurant that they have the beer on the table before I even sit down. I like them but they basically like me cos I give good tips and I spend a lot of money.

I think that dancing is helping me out. I have classes at night so I have to be sober three times a week I’m trying for more than that. Just trying to fill in activities to escape it. I’m not sure whether that is a healthy option though. I can’t run away from it.

I think that I’m going to send this message out. It’s time to stop running away. Before I end this I just wanted to add a few things: I’m not sure when this will end but I hope it will be soon, it hurts to say this but I’m not sure whether I could survive my whole life without drinking.

I feel so naked and alone right now but I feel that this is the right thing to do. I think that it’s best to understand what one is going through when one is honest. So that’s it: I have a problem… no I’m an alcoholic.

I am having a shit Monday and it’s only just begun. I drank so much and smoked so much it was disgusting. My throat is hoarse and I’m hungover and I have to chair a meeting in an hour and a half. I’m shaky and I’m not sure what the hell I’m going to say. Wish me luck.

Is today the day? Let’s see. I’m not gonna justify and list it doesn’t help. I’m gonna see.

So my great ambition to stop is not going well. Yesterday something happened. I need to stop. I’m going to detox for a week?

So my great ambition to stop is not going well. Yesterday something happened. I need to stop. I’m going to detox for a week?

ok this is NOT going well. I drank on day one of my no drinking crusade!

Ok so it’s Friday and I am soo hungover after work drinks and my own after drinks drinks session. I’ve smoked my mouth and throat raw. I need to stop this..it’s beginning to take a hold of my life in a destructable way. I quit for a month (drinking) but obviously started again. I’m epileptic which is worse cos if I have seizure I’d be screwed. So today I’m doing the stop drinking section. I’m gonna count days, so bare with me.

So I put this as goal yonks ago and of course I didn’t do anything about it. I somehow found this website called netdoctor. They have absolutely everything on health issues! It’s pretty cool. That’s not the point though. The point is that there is a link to this 90 day quiting programme that they have. You get to set your quit day- mines in a week so I have time to prepare (ie smoke my last cigarettes). I felt happy that I did something about it but I also felt like I was watching a friend die slowly but also knowing the funeral date. Yes I’m an addict! I just have to keep in mind that it’s for the good of my health. Check it out: http://www.stayquit.co.uk/uk/signup/index.php