love myself

I have hit a turning point. I know I have said this countless times before but I cannot go on on this trajectory of steady increase in weight. I do not like how I look and feel at this weight. I am inspired by my aunt who has lost 50 lbs and looks awesome (she is 68 yo and does not have cancer, HIV, any systemic illness to cause weight loss). I really think it is going to have to be like alcohol, one day at a time, one minute at a time.
I will be updating this goal regularly. I put it here rather than under any of the fitness headings because weight has a lot to do with how I feel about myself. I want to be more disciplined about my weight. This comes in part from my father who criticized my aunt for being overweight, and he also called her lazy.
I think there are 2 similar things here. One is how I feel about my weight = disappointed in myself. Two is how I feel about myself = frustrated and disappointed. I want to be able to love myself but I have a hard time doing this when I am constantly disappointing myself regarding the weight.
Come on please lets do something positive.

for yesterday and today. 2 patients thanked me for helping them. I am getting more caught up. A few no shows. A few things went my way. I was able to leave work in a timely fashion. I voted. I napped. I exercised. My lamps came. Thank you for these 2 days and for letting me appreciate them.

My mother and aunt visited for 5 days. I had a very nice time with them and I we had good communication. With the recent death of Dr. Meyers, I am thinking more about my relationships, in particular, those with the people I care about. My husband and I did everything we could to make sure they had a good experience. I was glad that they did not judge me (i.e. as a profligate spender caught up in “thee glitz”) for getting a new car and that my mother did not judge me when I told her about my old boyfriend of 1996 and 1997. She already suspected. She was ok with it.
I have been thinking more about families since they have been here and since they left. My husband does not have much family and he enjoyed being with them.

I am 37 years old today.

I have this goal, “love myself,” as #1 on the list. I was listening to a podcast where the speaker Alan Watts said:

“when we are dancing we are not aiming to arrive at a particular place on the floor as in a journey. When we dance, the journey itself is the point, as when we play music the playing itself is the point. And exactly the same thing is true in meditation. Meditation is the discovery that the point of life is always arrived at in the immediate moment.”

We (or I) can get so caught up in the end point (more money, more things, career etc) that I/we do not enjoy the moment or the experience of being alive and we end up at the end of life feeling used up or that we have missed the point.

I have scaled back on what I think I am going to accomplish in this lifetime. I used to have very high hopes. These days I am hoping for some tranquility. I am dealing with my anxiety disorder fairly.

My life is the best it has ever been right now in that I have enough money, job is decent, great marriage, and in reasonable health physically and mentally. I am grateful. I want to spend more time in a state of gratitude and in a state of experiencing my life rather than being disabled by anxiety about problems or potential problems.

I think too much emphasis is on the clock, but then again, I find it helpful to look at the state of things from time to time so I can reassess.

Well MJM is definitely dead, we got word, open water accident.
I am speechless.
Dr E and I have been asked to take on a role creating a “new leadership culture.” We are the last people standing amidst the rubble / bullsh!t. Not sure how it is going to go.
I put it here to be sure I am practicing self care (which he was to some degree but obviously not enough).

1. My anxiety and depression symptoms are fairly controlled
2. My job is reasonable
3. I have a wonderful husband
4. I make a decent salary
5. I have a stable place to live

I am having a hard time right now. I think it has to do with feeling overwhelmed.
I have to keep going to work and not let anything happen to my job (i.e. stop going to it). It really is not nearly as bad as it was in the past now that I am getting paid more.
Important things are:
(1) mental health
(2) job going ok
(3) relationship
(4) physical health
(5) recreation

Please let me have a more positive outlook on things and feel less negative. Please guide me. Your will not mine be done.

after having exercised, logged all my food, and drank water.

is the largest in its history. I know this by clothing that used to fit fine being tight. How can this be when I have been run/walking x 10 weeks and dieting x 1 week? How could this creep up on me?