I want to love myself, and I want that to be enough

My whole childhood I would pick myself apart. I would find reasons to be ashamed of myself, of what made me unique. I don’t know exactly when this started, but I remember when I was 7, counting on my fingers all the things that were wrong with me. In junior high, I would always wonder why no boys liked me. All my friends had boyfriends, why didn’t I? I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve one. Then whenever a boy would ask me out, even if I liked him, I would say no. I wouldn’t let myself be loved. High school was much the same. My first year of college, I met someone that I truly cared about. When I found out that he cared about me too, I started to have severe panic attacks. We worked together and I almost quit my job. Whenever he would ask me out I would tell him that I couldn’t, make up an excuse. But my panic attacks wouldn’t go away. I began going to therapy and learned that I didn’t think I was worthy of love. My body would physically react in such a way that I couldn’t even be in a situation where someone might fall in love with me. Finally, I decided to face the demon. I went out on a date with this guy, then another and another. I was forced to tell him about my panic attacks, since he was always asking if I was sick. I told him no and explained why. We have been together for 5 months now. I love him, and he tells me he loves me. But now we are 200 miles apart, and those words aren’t as strong as they used to be. I feel like I need more from him, more phone calls, more kisses. But when I really think about it, I feel that I am afraid of him falling out of love with me. Why do I need the constant reassurance of his feelings? Maybe everyone wants to hear and see that they are loved. But for me, there is more to it. I am worried that no one else will think I am worthy of being loved, no one will be willing to put up with my panic attacks. I am afraid that if my current relationship falls apart, I won’t be loved again. I just now realized that what I truly need is to love myself, deeply, whole heartedly. If I don’t, there will always be that little piece of my heart that can’t be filled by my boyfriend, husband, whatever. There is a place in everyone’s heart that needs to be filled with a self love, a love without doubts or questions, conditions or fears. We all need to learn to fall in love with ourselves, to love who we were, who we are, and who we hope to become. Even though I hated myself as a little girl, I have learned to love her. She is part of who I am today, and she will always be with me. We all just have to learn to love and trust ourselves, and never be afraid that we are worthless, undeserving, ugly. If anyone out there is having panic attacks, I want you to begin a journal. Write letters to yourself as a child, picture that child in your head, and work with him or her until s/he trusts you again. I am still working on it, but now I know what I have to do in order to fill that empty, sad space inside of me.