successfully complete my ESOL 2 course

It was extremely stressful

But I got the certificates on Thursday and I can now say: I did it.

I feel proud because it was so hard and because I wanted to give up so much! Thanks to Moose who encouraged me and helped me keep going.

Moose is a star!!!

My last observation was on Friday
On Wednesday I was paralysed with fear and unable to plan properly. On Thursday I woke up and got on with it. On Friday after hardly any sleep I did it, and it was more than OK. Janet watched me, and she was very kind and was very very happy that I did well – she gave me a hug.

She thought it was all over and that Cambridge would examine the paperwork and then pass me. I think I can’t believe it until I see the certificate.

I came home and did aerobics, listened to Elgar’s “The Music Makers” and the Eurythmics “17 again” and felt pleased. I phoned Susie and thanked her for her help and encouragement. I put Cava in the fridge and insisted that we celebrate with bubbly!

Only one more to go!

And I’ve just talked to Susie who said even if I’d failed it would have been better than walking away from it for the wrong reasons (ie, fear). And I would have looked back and regretted that choice. So now, no regrets.

It wasn’t a great lesson, on our in-house scale it got a 3 (Satisfactory) but that’s OK. I planned it and I used all my knowledge and although one bit went awry, I recovered, and got interaction with the students and did all the concept checking I’d planned for, so it passed. Julie called it “solid”. She also said I demonstrated a very good language knowledge of my own. I think this is my main strength. Actually my teaching is probably more of a routine than anything.

Hooray, hooray.

This goal was my very first goal on 43 things, and more important that all the others. It would give me more satisfaction that I can begin to tell you to announce that it is done.

in running gear. Yes, she’d run all the way from the Netherlands! No, not really. She was staying with her sister down the road and thought she’s better drop in. So I explained all about the Observation problem and she helped me to look at my problem – my fear – more rationally. She said to put an elastic band on my wrist and to ping it every time I feel a negative thought. We also talked in some detail about the lesson I might teach and we talked about the fact that this is taking more out of me than will ever be worth while, because I’m just not a teacher. I don’t have the right teacher priorities. But we also looked at the problem from the point of view of a coward/brave moral viewpoint.

I mean, not that I am underconfident, but that I am not competent. I don’t want to put myself through it again, and I don’t want to pick myself up off the floor again if I fail. I would still have two more lessons to teach that day, and 5 more weeks to get through. I find it all very hard.

This is half-term, and I feel quite bad. I can’t sleep at night and I feel quite lonely, but in a way I like being lonely, I don’t mind it from a creative point of view. I feel morally inferior to Ashley who is always so active and engaged with things. Arranging the regatta, for example. I feel I should be meeting friends and stuff. What friends? Have I lost them, and if so, how?

Anyway, I told Ashley that I didn’t want to do the teachng observation and he was angry, and I told him I thought I would maybe get some more Citalopram to make me more cheerful and communicative. I miss it: or rather, I miss the ability to talk to people without hating myself. Yes; I need it.

I think I will phone Julie today and see what she says. Maybe if I get some more Citalopram I’ll feel better and be able to do the teaching observation in a few weeks time.

Usually I don’t go to pieces in the holidays. However, I have other things to do which are on my mind, like my Schemes of Work. I did one yesterday, but need to add differentiation strategies to it (entirely fictional I am sorry to say). I think if I just taught one level that would be OK, teaching 3 is so hard. I don’t understand why we can’t just specialise in one level. Anyway, I’ve got 2 more to do, and it’s the L1 one that puts shivers down my spine. That class has given me nightmares all year.

My colleagues are great, e.g. Sue Meldrum and Sue Pattison, very very strong and supportive, but at the mo I feel like a pale shadow beside them.

One challenge at a time. I don’t have to worry until after half term.

I got a letter from Julie saying I got a deferred pass from Cambridge. They want me to do 2 more observations, one to teach grammar, the other to teach vocabulary, because it seems I haven’t covered those things adequately. And so it goes on, and on, and on. But I shall have one more try.

As I think I have mentioned, I have already told my manager that I don’t want to continue with this job, because the pay is so rubbish and it’s so hard, and makes me so tired.

I do want the Cert Ed in FE and I must be so close to getting it. I believe that I could teach Creative Writing in a few years time when I’ve got my OU degree. See my cunning plan?

I e-mailed Julie because I thought I should have got my certificate by now. She said she had had to send my portfolio to Cambridge.

This is bad because some of the lesson plans I put in there were pretty dodgy and I didn’t have time to revise them, and I had taken out some of the materials I had made for the students, as we were encouraged to, so that we could use them again. So I think that if the portfolio is examined in detail, it will fail.

and she said we were just waiting for the nod from the assessor.

about doing another observation, so I think it’s all over, and I’m just keeping this goal up until I get the notification from Cambridge that I’ve satisfied the criteria for the course, which might be another few weeks.