be at peace

Really I’m blessed to be doing better here. Just lately I’ve found that I’m having that “can’t feel okay” feeling no matter where I go or what I do. I have a hard time thinking of ways to comfort myself. Blah. I hope I’m not getting depressed again. It seems like my wellbeing is like a very delicate tower of china tea cups and if there’s nothing wrong, and no wind, I’m okay. But if a couple of things stress me above and beyond what’s already going on, I go down hill quickly. I wish I was hardier, more resilient and not so fragile.

I’m having less wake up in the middle of the night with a punched in the stomach feeling. Just passing the Tax guy’s office or other places that I owe money or need to do something impossible (like pay them right now) still gets me. Maybe a third job?

I’m trying to set up more massage trades so that my body won’t hurt and I can sleep better. I’m also just trying to go with my pattern lately instead of get pissed off about it. The pattern is go to bed at my usual time 10 or 11, wake up at 4:30. I hate that but what the hell. So I’m going to bed around 9:30 and instead of laying there in the morning I’m getting up after about a half hour and doing something. Laying there pissed off because I can’t go back to sleep is pointless.

I returned the Comcast boxes. Doing without TV, or more correctly the bill for it will go a little further in my goal of living peacefully.

When my daughter is uptight I feel her feelings with her. It makes for a stomach acid kind of morning that screws up enjoying my coffee. I now recognize that I don’t have feel her uptight feelings with her to be close to her. We can be close without experiencing each others feelings.

which admittedly isn’t that often anymore…thank you God. But when I do…it brings me peace to repeat at least 12 times….

“I forgive myself for being human and making a mistake.”

Try it. It helps. Shame never helped anyone.