give myself some credit once in a while

School hasn’t gone better academically over the past year, and although I’ve made thesis progress, it never feels like enough.

Working on slowly changing some of this, but it certainly hasn’t happened yet.

because

1) kids repeated their pattern of completely bombing my finals (except the one case where it was way too easy – the new math teacher who hadn’t taught the class before confirmed this)
2) see entry on dissertation
3) I feel lots of the stuff I have been good at lately doesn’t count for a whole lot

but at least I won’t get too down on myself for not being able to dance my way out of a wet paper bag. :)

Today, I’ve been as happy as I’ve been in my school building in a while. It was a horribly long day (for me, 7:15 to 8:45), but it ended well enough. Today was conferences, and they were the busiest conferences I have ever had. There were also points that made me happy.

At least twice I got parents whose kids were quiet and tough to get a read on. It’s always nice to hear from those that their kid likes your class. A few of these were even physics kids who weren’t always having the easiest time with the material.

The best, however, was when one of my freshman parents said this: “In middle school, she had a very funny and active teacher, and did well. Later, she had quieter and stricter teachers and started to struggle. We think her enjoyment and performance in class are related. She really loves your class.”

And she’s getting a 96%. I knew the kid was good, but hearing it put that way felt sweet. Even the struggling kids’ parents didn’t give me trouble… many times my comments got responses like, “that’s what I’ve been telling him!”

Of course, some of my big strugglers have parents that never show up. But that’s not going to stop me from feeling really good about tonight, at least for a little while.

I don’t really know what this means.

Somehow, I still know it’s important. A brief bit of book I read over the weekend said that the key to loving anyone is to love yourself first, and I really don’t do this. And I’m not sure how to get better at it.

Lately, the kids really have been acting up a lot (especially the seniors). It seems that though every teacher at school deals with this problem, the stories of misbehavior in other classes never seem as bad. (For example, in my dad’s class, people put their heads down. I would take that – as it means they’re being quiet.)

It seems that many people just don’t respect me. It’s not a knowledge thing… but perhaps I don’t command enough respect in other ways.

Then again, I need to realize that I think there are some students who do get stuff out of what I do and respect what I bring to the school.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve had some good days at school that validate the things that I do and convince me I am doing some good.

Yet still, in too many ways, I can’t give myself any credit for certain things because I don’t believe I’ve earned/deserved it. It sucks to have low self esteem at times, despite also having some redeeming qualities.

When your classes get averages of 72, 60, and “craptacular – to be determined” on finals, it makes me wonder why I bother trying at all. Sure, I have some people do well, but I CAN’T give myself credit for those cases because I’m sure they’d do well even with a trained macacque in the room.

I use self-deprecating humor a lot, and I’ve gotten good at it. However, because of this, people sometimes miss when I’m critical of myself and mean it. I often mean it.

In my job, if the students do poorly, it’s because I suck. If they do well, the test is too easy. I can’t win. I should allow myself the possibility of victory.