encourage my son to be the person he is

Q asked specifically about pink and purple last week. “They’re colors that girls like a lot, aren’t they?”

Oh, sweet boy. Like what you like. You’re cool enough to withstand the pressure. I hope.

He’s also asked some questions about hair length and boys who look like girls. A few of the big boys at school have longish hair. Noodle very firmly asked, “Girl is putting up the flag?” Boy. “Girl is putting up the flag?” No, honey, that’s a boy.

It might be more vague some places, but it’s usually the boy scouts, so I’m pretty confident. Plus, well, he’s just a boy with long hair.

Q is starting to notice. There are some very strongly Boy boys in kindergarten, which is fine. But I’m sure that some of them must have big brothers and preconceptions about what is Not Okay for boys to do or like.

I do so wish that Q could simply make his own way in the world. I suspect he’ll end up conforming until he’s grown up and then will rebel until he figures out what he does like. A tough path either way I suppose.

Q wants to be a witch for Halloween. I’m trying to get his specific ideas on what that would look like. I think it mostly involves the pointy hat and lots of black clothing.

Q did the dance class ‘try it’ day. I think the difference between dancing and dance class became clear to him. He firmly does not want to take a class.

He’s signed up for gymnastics and already psyched for it. We’re going to see if the piano teacher might do a ‘try it’ class for him. (She’s known him since he was about a year old, so we’d be happy for him to take another class with her.)

We’d been considering signing Q up for piano – but when given some options, he chose dance and gymnastics. I’ll take him to a ‘try it’ dance class on Saturday. Need to find some cash and sign him up for gymnastics and the kindergarten dance class. Which a fiscally responsible person wouldn’t do, I’m sure.

A recommendation for ‘Fancy Nancy’ for Noodle struck a chord with both kids. Q asked several times if we could make his room ‘fancy’. The result above. (I’d post more photos, but have never figured out how to post more than one photo at a time.) Both kids are thrilled. Ribbon harlequin pattern on the ceiling, two pink tulle swags, polka dots and circle mirrors, beads and ribbon… I should add that last night Q had to get ribbon cut from around his neck that he’d knotted there. So if you try this at home, consider that possibility. (I’ve now tied them to the ceiling ring and I think they’ll be hard to remove for a small child.)

Off and on for a long time, Q has asked if we can go visit NY City. It’s not an unreasonable request, we just don’t have a good reason to go, it’s not cheap to get there, it’s kind of exhausting etc.

So for his birthday – instead of a party with many children, too much sugar icing, and having to organize, plan, clean and stress – we took him on an Adventure. Dropped off Noodle for her own happy day with Grandma (seriously, the girl dove into the whole day with enthusiasm). Drove to New Haven, train to Grand Central Station, subways to the National Museum of History, exhibits of dinosaurs and animals until Q begged to see the park, climbing on big rocks in the park, ice cream, finally locating the playground, stripping boy down to underwear (like half the kids there) to play in the water park part, more subways, more Grand Central Station, many food indulgences, a long train ride home followed by a long drive home followed by regaling Grandma with how wonderful the Museum and park and subways were (I thought he’d started to hate the museum by the end).

Totally worth the long day for us. Tomorrow is his official birthday and we’ll have a family party/picnic if the weather holds up and if we manage to wrap the gifts we have not yet purchased.

(yawn)

Q is lucky enough to have a friend who is very similar in temperament and interest. At several get togethers lately, the boys have been playing dress up with as much enthusiasm as the girls. Mid-way through a spaghetti party, another boy arrived, saw the boys dressed in princess dresses and said, “J! Take that off!” J reasonably answered, “We’re playing princess.” and went on with his happy activity.

We need to get some fancy dress up clothes for the kids to enjoy. My mother has some leftover from the last set of grandkids/cousins (mostly grown) and will send them up for Q & N.

I love that they seem unselfconscious about it. Makes my heart swell with happiness.

Q is hitting that age. The age when kids say things like, ‘you’re not my friend’.

I’ve been very grateful that thus far Q seems to be a much desired friend for all the kids. Last year when I asked who he liked to play with, he simply said, “Everybody.”

But lately he’s told me that x says he isn’t my friend. That y doesn’t like to play with boys. So I’m trying to be proactive. I want to help him be the friend everyone wants, and the friend who likes everyone, as much as such an insane idea is possible, much less something that someone with as few social skills as myself can promote.

From a blog about bullying, I picked up the title of a book, “One” by someone whose name starts with O (sorry) which is about standing up to a bully, but put entirely into a metaphor about colors and ending with a metaphor about numbers. (“Everyone counts” and “Sometimes it just takes 1” being the dual message.) Some of the concepts (bravery, feeling blue, picking on) are over Q’s head, although not really out of his comprehension level. We’ve been reading it and I think if I find instances of people being brave, or people picking on others, he’ll get it.

At school, one of the very fun, rambunctious, girls apparently has told him several times to ‘stop smiling!’ I suspect this is more about flirting friendship than trying to be mean, but Q doesn’t like it, perhaps not getting teasing outside of his home setting, or perhaps it’s meant in a bullying way and I’m not taking it seriously. But I made a point of telling Q that the book was telling him that it’s okay for him to tell M, “No. That’s not nice.” to stand up for himself.

They hired a face painter for the party. Initially Q wanted nothing to do with having his face painted, but after a few girls had theirs done, he whispered to me that he wanted his done too. Great! He trotted off to have his turn. The b-day girl’s mom paused en route to another room as she passed me, the face painter wanted to make sure I was okay with him getting a butterfly.

Good grief. I have to assume she’s gotten trouble from rigid parents before, because it seems so ridiculous to me. He was complimented all afternoon.

What I’m trying to take from this, instead of ranting, is remembering to compliment and encourage my son for being true to himself. He could have chosen a batman design (mind you I don’t think he knows who batman is) or something else more ‘masculine’. But this was so cool, why should he be excluded from getting a butterfly because he’s a boy? This is what the feminists resented and protested: exclusion from the good stuff because of gender, not because of any good reason.

I want to protect him, but as long as possible, I am determined to encourage him to ask for the pretty stuff, to be kind to everyone, to trust in the world.