move on

I have never been this close to completing this goal before. I won’t check it off yet because I’m sure I’m not entirely past this. Somethings that recently happened to help:
1. I was finally able harness anger towards him for the way he has treated me.
2. Due to that emotion I haven’t talked to him but once fore 3 sentences in 4 weeks.
3. I joined a dating website. And I’m learning that there are other men out there and one of them will treat me like I deserve to be treated.

How am I ever supposed to complete this goal when I can’t control what I dream about. All the progress I thought I’d made and one dream puts me back months. This are getting harder because in 2 weeks I’ll be in his home town on his turf. I don’t know whether or not I’ll see him. And I don’t know whether or not I want to… ok scratch that. I know I want to but I’m not sure I should. I don’t think its my choice anyways. It’s his.

I feel like I’m finally getting there. I’ve stopped obsessing over the conversations and/or lack of said conversations. What got me there? Three weeks of no contact. I blamed that lack of non contact on something I’d said prior to that ‘drought’. Once that ended and I realized that he was still speaking to me, I’d already had my heart break a little (which was something I needed) so the attachment wasn’t as strong. Tonight we had a missed communication and I was okay with it. I actually used the term ‘calm’ to describe my mood during a time that a few weeks ago would have sent me into a tailspin.
I know the hardest part has yet to come. When I go home in a few weeks for vacation and I’m close to him I don’t know how I’ll react. I’ll just have to do my best to keep myself distracted.

I’m not sure if I’m ready or willing to move on. But I guess that’s all part of the reason that I should be moving on. He plays this game where I’m not sure what he’s thinking. When I get good vibes I have no need to move on. But then I get other vibes that tell me to move on before he breaks me heart.
I just don’t know.