Part of 1: When I fall (and I will), always get back up.

I don’t have a secret no one else in the world knows anymore.

It wasn’t something awful, except for I couldn’t bare the thought of telling someone, it was too shameful for me. So, because of recent happenings I felt like I should tell my therapist, and so I did in yesterday’s session. It wasn’t half as hard I’d expected. I did feel embarassed, but she took a positive outlook on the subject by approaching as something we should work on to make things better. I guess it did come as a bit of a revelation, telling her things about my personality that maybe a whole year of therapy could tell.

I felt increadibly better afterwards. Lighter is the word.

and this makes a bit aprehensive. I had a very bad experience last time (with the internship) – but it doesn’t have to be the same.

This guy who hired me knows my father for ages. I don’t want him to cut me any slack because of it (hiring based on trust was quite something already), but I also feel there’ll be a lot more pressure because of it (mostly from myself). I want to do good, even more than I did last time. I only hope the same old feelings don’t come back.

There’s a spot to work as a financial assistant, and soon there’ll be a promotion available. They need someone they can trust, since the last occupant stole them blindly. So, I was promised a promotion – if I do well, off course – even before I started work. I guess it doesn’t happen everyday, right?

I feel lucky for the trust vote, but at the same time I’m not so sure.

I don’t think I’ve passed the admission test for I.R. school. The test was tougher than I expected. So, this means I have to study a lot to pass next time. If I get a full time job I’ll have no time to study at all (since I already have classes at night).

Plus, the hours are long and the payment not so impressive.. but I’d hate if people thought I’m a snob for turning down chances like that. I mean, I know how hard it is to get a job, and everyone must start somewhere.

At the same time, there’s a chance they may call me about the public job at the university – very small chance, and it may take a long time, so I shouldn’t be thinking about it. only wishful thinking..

The truth is, I wish I could get paid for staying home or going to work for 4-6 hours when it best suits me (some public jobs offer that possibility). Or that I could get paid to study. Or to have inherited a good sum of money, that allowed me to live from passive incomes. Yeah, yeah.. the lottery and stuff.. dream away..
Go ahead, say it.. I’m a spoiled little brat, right?
Sometimes I think that, other times I think I’m just settling with very low expectations for myself..

Anyway.. things are unsure. I have no answers. I guess it’s the kind of thing you need to check out, see with your own eyes before you decide.
I start working on june 15. Let’s see how things go.

how important part 5 in my life plan is.
To have a good time. That is the more important thing ever. How can I think something else should come first? I mean.. c’mon!
what the hell do I know about life? Should I really let other people tell me about what’s important? Hell no! My well being and happiness is damn important. So fuck everything else.

I’ve just watched such an inspiring and beautiful movie. one of those that make think ‘screw convention, what the hell do people know? just feel!’ and I started to thinking about how a stupid job has been preventing me from even having fun. I’d come home exausted and with tons of things to think for the next day, and would even feel guilty to stop and watch a movie. WTF? hell wrong!

I come first!

Sorry if you have to read this and it sounds like I’m mad at the world. I’m mad at myself for allowing this kind of things to happen. but then again, I forgive myself, so all is well. =D

I got this word from an human resources article =P and the definition I borrowed from Theskysthelimit1976. ;)

“-recovering readily from adversity, depression, or the like
....bouncy: elastic; rebounds readily; “clean bouncy hair”; “a lively tennis ball”; “as resilient as seasoned hickory”; “springy turf”
-Able to weather tribulation without cracking

-Resilience is the property of a material to absorb energy when it is deformed elastically and then, upon unloading to have this energy recovered.

...In other words, when I get “bent out of shape” I want pretty immediate recovery to my natural state.”

perfect, huh?

to be in touch with things (and myself) even when I’m rushed. I tend to have trouble with that when I start something new, like a job or school. I get so crazy focused on silly tasks or the adrenaline of getting things done that I forget about the most important things, and that is: me.

A job is a job, school is school, it is PART of my life, it’s NOT MY LIFE.

I guess it’s ok to obsess with some new things a little, the problem is that if you don’t get the “something back”, you end up ressenting the fact that you used too much of your precious little time putting something ahead of yourself in the priority list.

The thing is, I’ve started a 4 hours internship. My boss seems to forget that and the fact that she’s hardly paying me for it. I walk around town doing things the whole afternoon, she barely explains me anything (I don’t know if she thinks I know everything or if she’s testing me and expects me to figure things out alone), and some of the tasks seem really silly and unecessary (again, not sure if she’s not that smart or if she’s trying to push me).

Since I just met her, I didn’t figure her out yet. I don’t know if she always does that with interns, or if maybe she really trusts me and intends to compensate for the extra work. I’m hoping for the best! Until the end of the month, I’ve got nothing. Not a clue.

So, not worth obsessing. I’ll do what she asks me to do, during my work hours. I’ll try my best, do more if I’m able to. During my work hours! Other than that I rather pretend she doesn’t even exists. ;)

Are You Suffering From Déjà Blue?

I believe I have a major case of déjà blue, but it’s a good thing I’ve realized it before, just hadn’t coined the great expression. ;)

I think it’s the whole new year coming up thing, not the new year per se, but the holiday part. spending the whole day at home, with my mum whining and being a bore, my dad going out of town to spend new year’s eve with his girlfriend and her kid, not having money to run away or to at least go out and do something fun, G. still not giving a damn about me (this and a lot more to do with him has been bothering me humongously). I feel like getting wasted (I’m only just a little tipsy), and smoking a cigarette. but I know this is just stupid, I’d be only hurting myself and blablabla. I know I can turn this all around, but sometimes it seems sooo much easy to stay still, laying down on the floor, just a bit more.

Maybe I’m just a bit overwhelmed by the holiday season. Everyone is so agitated and PRESENT. I’ve had a family overdose this long weekend. It’s not that I don’t like, I usually do enjoy a little shake, I little getting out of the routine, but this time it just made me feel.. weird. I don’t know why exactly.
I have to shake things up my way a little bit, do what I feel like doing, have some quality alone time (the presence of people doesn’t prevent me me from feeling lonely) and keep calm.

I’ll enjoy the cold weather by pretending I’m living in the north hemisphere and listening to christmas songs while I drink another cup of steamy coffee and give away my last cheers of the day. It’s the kind of thing that usually cheers me up. If it doesn’t work, there’s always this (this one never failed before) =)

that this goal should always be on top of the list.
I’m having mixed feelings about my ex-boyfriend (we had an ‘honesty moment’ about how we feel and it made me want to cry), also I’ve got the result of a test I took last month and I didn’t pass ( I didn’t honestly thought I would, but for some reason I’m disappointed nevertheless). The weather has changed and it doesn’t even seem like it’s december..
I feel like my knees are trying to bend, but I won’t let it happen. It’s just a bad day, maybe not even that, cause it can still become a great one. It’s just a bad morning.. oh, wait, I still have a few hours to change that!
I love this goal! =)