get over my ex

....say something so I don’t do anything silly. I just feel really sad right now, heavy in the chest kinda sad. What makes it worse is that I have one of my best friends staying with me right now, someone I don’t see very often as she lives abroad now. And still, he’s on my mind, not lovely thoughts of being with my friend, him.

I mentioned that I saw him a couple of weeks ago (after not speaking for 3mths) and gave him his stuff back. The conversations of that evening keep running through my mind. Talk of him leaving for the US in the spring, knowing that he has little to bring him back to this city, especially since his best mate/house mate is now going to be moving away permanently in a few months too. I hate that I’m struggling mentally/emotionally right now on this. I feel like I must do something, anything! But what use would that do?? He doesn’t want to be with me, even if he did, he’s moving away and I couldn’t go with him anyways. Why do I love him? Why can’t I just forget and move on?

Urgh. Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to put this down to a bad day, try not to dwell on it but realise that there are likely to be more bad days, especially during the christmas season. If I had any energy right now, I swear I’d be putting my pants on my head running around the office with frustration/emotions! LOL.

I do love him, he’s done nothing wrong. I miss him, but I won’t miss him forever. I guess I have to ride it out and just vent when I need to, but at friends, not him.

....I saw him. It was nice, I was dreading it, walking to the pub, carrying the few things he’d left at mine in a bag with me. But it was actually very nice to talk. I think I got partial closure, which is the best I could have hoped for. He is off to NY in the spring, one of various circumstances that tore us apart about 4mths ago. So I guess now that we can both see thru our uncertainties, I’m staying put and he’s going abroad, then we can just accept it.

There’s no doubt that we feel a lot for each other but I don’t think we’re right for each other. I think in time we can be friends, like I said I feel a sense of partial closure and with the new year coming, a new start. I must be some way ‘over him’ as I certainly didn’t wake up this morning an emotional wreak like I would have done a month or so ago. :o)

...mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm….. so I did it. I text him yesterday to tell him to come and get his stuff from mine or let me give it away. It’s been 3mths (ish, at least 3). He called this morning!!! Caught totally off guard. He was very polite, I was very polite. He was extremely interested in the fact that I’d be staying in this city for another 2yrs (as I was supposed to be leaving at the end of the year and he knew this). Then he kinda tricked me cos I was off guard. He suggested meeting for a drink next saturday, I said yes. It’s not the same thing as him coming to get his stuff – D’OH!! But, I am a civil person and will have a drink with him (after all we didn’t split on bad terms, just circumstance, see above) AND I will take the bag of his stuff with me (its not much, just some clothes).

So, the mission for this week is to remind myself of why we’re not good for one another; that this is just a civil meeting to exchange stuff; this is NOT a date or the pre-cursor to a date. I will not get my hopes up, I will not delude myself. Will not, will not, will not. Just need to get through until next sat night and it’ll be over. Then I need never hear from him again or worry. Over over over. :o))))

I’ve been on vacation this last week with friends and it was so much fun to get away from everything. Although, I admit that a couple of nights, in bed, I lay there thinking of him. I just can’t seem to shake him from my thoughts!

Then yesterday, on the train back home from the airport the cutest, most pleasant, lovely guy sits down beside me and we just started chatting! Then, and a bit outta character for me, we exchange mobile phone numbers. We texted each other pretty much all of last evening!!

BUT

Even as I lay there in bed, my thoughts drifted back to him and it dampened my mood. Today I feel kinda fed up cos I keep trying to think of the train guy but he keeps blocking those thoughts!! There’s something wrong with me. I’m comparing!! I’m almost ditching the new dude cos he’s not the last one….without even giving him the chance!

I don’t know what to do, probably keep up the fun flirty chat on the phone and see where it goes. May have to trust my instinct though. If am not ready, I don’t wanna hurt anyone else – cos I know what that feels like!

Doesn’t help that I found out today that I may not have a job in january….so I might not even be here to hook up with mr.new-guy! * sigh *

I miss him so much it hurts. If I didn’t say that ‘aloud’ I might have done something stupid like text him.

Tomorrows another day. sigh.

oh my goodness – this hair chopping-off-thing is doing something good! since I got my long locks chopped on saturday and almost regretted it instantly, I haven’t thought about him cos all I can think of is how silly my hair is….and, OMG, the psychology behind cutting off your hair! it really has the power to make you lose confidence etc. I was dreading work and people hating it, but, they love it!! I guess I’ll grow to like it for the time being….but am still growing it from this point on! Oh well….I have ZERO desire to see him now as my hair was the first thing he was attracted to.

ps. I might add, technically it’s still long, below shoulders. its just not my usual almost-waist length…. i’ve never had it this short :o(

Ok, yesterday I did what a lot of women do when getting over a partner – I cut my hair. A little shorter than am comfortable with and feel crappy. Everyone else likes it, its just me. I keep thinking, if I don’t like the way I look, how will a new guy like the way I look. Maybe I should look at it this way – probably by the time it grows a little bit, I’ll be ready to meet someone…. I hate that old cliche, the one about missing a door that opens if you stare at the closed one too long; cos you could see the open door but you’re not ready to go there. Am not ready.

I did delete his phone number before I went out last night, I barely thought of him all night and despite realising that his number is still in my landline memory (d’oh!) I did not call him. Strange thing was, when I did think of him, briefly as I was getting ready for bed, I actually smiled and thought fondly of him, but not like ‘I want him back’ kinda way. We never ended badly, it was just bad circumstances with jobs, and sometimes it’s harder to let that go cos if you can almost ‘hate them’ for something then you have some emotional leverage on yourself (if that makes sense?).

This is good, just need to keep it up. 5 weeks since I last saw or heard from him. Haven’t reached the point yet where I don’t do the whole ‘so many days/weeks/months since…’, thus am not completely over him – but getting there!!

....deleted his phone number/s from my phone a moment ago. Just stared at phone then after 5 mins did that shaking head ‘maaaaah’ sound and then just tossed phone on the sofa!! lol.

Seriously, I don’t need him, I don’t want him anymore…so why am I still hanging onto these feelings??? I have to say, having reached 4.5weeks of no contact I’m feeling good about myself. I doubt it’d take much for me to end up in a heap crying over him, so I need to be careful going out this weekend with mates. We’re off out partying and if I drink too much or even just think about him not being there (or checking phone too much to see if miraculously he’s text me out the blue!), then the above might happen. In that case, I MUST delete his details from my phone before friday night out!!

Quote I love at the moment: “just because the road disappears round the bend, you don’t doubt its there”.

Can do this, feel good today, should be better tomorrow etc.

Delete delete delete delete delete!

I really can’t stop thinking of him this weekend, and its driving me crazy. It’s been 7wks since the breakup, then a week after that we went out ‘as friends’, joke, and ended up in bed together. Haven’t heard from him since and i haven’t contacted him either – its been exactly a month and I think thats why I can’t get these thoughts out my head. Urgh. I will not call, I will not text, I don’t want to want someone who can’t make me happy. No no no no noooooo…shut up brain!