stop thinking about "him"

he has been back for a week…i screwed up again and “saved” him….when i found out he had checked out of the weekly hotel because he couldn;t afford it and had spent the night at our office in a sleeping bag i freaked out. i felt so bad…not even an distant friend would i have stay in a sleeping bag in an office..i asked him to come home and stay until he found housing. i shouldve let things be…let him feel his own pain…let him make his own decisions etc. now it has been a week and i dont want him at my house anymore. it is hard for me. i need to start thinking of my self not him all the time. i need for him to leave.

well he has left. not sure where he went…but he left. i know it is for the better but i have been crying off and on. not sure why i want us to work out so badly but i know that i cant make him love me, want me, stay with me etc. i just want this all behind me….i dont want to think of him anymore….but i know it will take time….fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff!

it is hard to stop thinking about him when he is now back living in the same house as i am. only not in our bed but the guest room upstairs. SHIT!

thinking about him….dammit just when i seem to move forward i take a few steps back. i know i dont like what he has turned into so why??? why do i still care? i am miserable! i cry myself to sleep these past few nights…i want him in our bed with me..no sex…just to be next to me. am i a totally idiot? but it just pains me so much to know he is in our house..upstairs in a guest bedroom and im down here in the master. he says goodnight to me and kisses me….and in the morning he hugs me and kisses me good morning..what the fuck?

Now it’s even harder because he is back in the house….omg i thought id love this. i do not. his energy or lack there of is depressing. all i see are the things i really dislike about him. maybe it is my hp showing me to run…fast ….in the oppisite direction! i am happy with who i am becoming..but it is not coming from not working hard at it. he on the other hand just keeps getting heavier and avoiding himself. i feel sorry…i feel like i am leaving my best friend behind…a friend i don’t even understand anymore.

i try and i do ok during the day. its at nite when i try and fall asleep i cant stop thinking of him..what he is doing who he is with etc. i keep trying…its tough. i am sure he isnt thingking about me half as much…especially since he went to meet his internet girl…ick im discusted with him..he is a passive coward

i feel like the stupidest women on this planet. the way i have been treated and i still love this man. he went to meet the ‘other women’ that he met on the internet during the past few months of our rocky relationship. i knew this day was coming i just didnt want to beleive it. the thought of him being intimate with another makes me want to puke! he is a friggen loser and i just want to hate him….please let me hate him forever. i hate my life and i hate myself