fall in love again

I hit a rather unfriendly plateau on this one: I just couldn’t think of what to write. I don’t know if it was because the whole thing makes me sort of nervous or what, but I just shut down the whole process. I know I’m being silly, since no one other than my therapist and I are ever going to see this. So, here’s what I’m thinking: I can start with the brainstorming lists that I’ve already come up with, plus I can take experiences when I was dating and see what worked. What was it about the men that I dated that drew me to them? What aspects of the relationships were the best? When I start thinking about dating is these terms, I start to think about what I really enjoyed about these men. Now, I don’t think I’m necessairly saying that I want to date any of my past guys again. I think I just want to glue the best parts of them together for this silly project.

My therapist wants me to write an imaginary personals ad, which is something I originally found to be a pretty strange request. As I make more additions to my brainstorming lists, the more sense it’s all beginning to make. Since I haven’t really been in much of a position to date, I really stopped thinking about what I want. Now, I’m making these lists and bouncing ideas around—some of which are a little over the top, but this is supposed to be a creative/theraputic assignment. I don’t think there really is any such thing as anything that can be considered far-fetched; it’s all possible.

Ten years ago, I dated two men I met through match.com and I’m slowly warming-up to the idea of doing it again. I keep saying the men around here suck, but I really think that’s because of the ones I’m exposed to the most. There are scholars and professionals here, too; I just have to get over myself and meet one. I jokingly told a friend she could write my profile, but I’m afraid she took me a little too seriously. At the same time, it might be helpful to know what she thinks stands out the most about me. Maybe, this could help me avoid some unforeseen dating problems—not that I really expect anything to go wrong. It’s just been too long since I’ve done this, so I’m nervous.

My policy of not accepting applications or giving interviews has certainly kept me single. I’m sure there are some great guys around, but I really haven’t been giving myself a chance to really look. I keep telling myself that I’m too busy, or my life is too unpredictable. All I’m really doing is keeping myself single.

Time for a change.

It’s been ten years, since I’ve tried the online dating game. Two of those guys did become boyfriends, so I can certainly see trying it again. I do think, though, that I’m going to hold off for the moment . . . at least, until I’ve gotten further along with my goal to keep in better touch with friends.

. . . Athough, I could certainly consider it if we could find a way to tilt the world, delete the actual ending, and write something a little more true to who we both were (and possibly still are).

It might help if I actually go on a date, first, as I really don’t think I could go from years of not dating anyone to instant love.