be a better daughter

..I did what i could but what I know how to do and what she needs are not necessarily the same thing. And this much is for sure: she doesn’t want what she needs! My emotions have gone too long to be loving at this moment. I think the best daughter i can be is a distant one until i sort out my side of things. Sounds like someone giving up, doesn’t it? I really struggle with this. One one hand I know intellectually that I should feel free to express past and present anger/irritation so it can be dealt with and gotten over. And on the other hand, when I’m around her i don’t feel she can handle my feelings, and I don’t think it’s her problem. I get this overwhelming feeling that it’s for me to deal with and it would be selfish of me to put my unresolved feelings on her, probably because a lot of the anger is from her dumping her stuff on me, and i don’t want to return that action. But she should know why i have a hard time wanting to talk to her, right?

I’ve decided to go home for the summer – something i’ve not done since i left home 5 years ago. My mother, who is going in for back surgery in the next couple of months, is the primary beneficiary of this action, although I will be staying with friends rather than either parent. My dad, who has gotten the short end of the stick from me for a solid 8 years, will be getting weekly visits as well. I’m feeling a balance in the setup as it stands, and hope once i’m there the feeling will continue..I think I’m attempting to bridge the gap between my life and my family, and it comes intuitively rather than as an attempt to fix something..which i’m happy about.

In order to be a better daughter, I need to see my family more. My mother’s sickness is my reminder that I’m not trying very hard..and my solution is a visit once in maximum 6 weeks. 3 hours in a car isn’t all that bad. and if i can’t borrow J’s, i can study on the train. not to mention, if I can make it every 4 weeks, i’ll catch the sunrise too!

called both my parents in the past 24 hours..and my sister. 43 things is changing my life!