find a church

Well, I guess I found it. I’m going to keep going to this little church. It’s not all I was looking for but I think this is part of my perfectionism problem. I idealize things so much that whenever I’m in front of something, I always look for the flaws therefore making my search unending. I guess I’m going to start going with something small instead of waiting for the big ship to come in. I’ll keep going to this one and see where God leads me.

I went to church this morning and came back feeling awful. They had a guest speaker and the whole vibe was different. I felt bad for him because he was one of those very enthusiastic pastors and this congregation wasn’t responding well to his energy. The speaker was american and since the congregation is Philippino there was a bit of a delayed reaction to his jokes (cultural barrier I suppose). The thing is, he was one of those that likes to invite people to come up front and accept Jesus, get baptized, join the church etc., and I was thinking, nobody here is going to get up and go to the front because this is a very small congregation and everyone knows everybody and I’m sure that they all have accepted Jesus and they are all members – really, it’s like a family.

So, I felt bad because I could tell this invitation was not going to have the results he wanted, until I figured out that I was the ONLY ONE there that hadn’t joined and wasn’t baptized. Well, ironically, I had been considering joining the church and asking to be baptized, so when this happened I thought “this might be God putting this offer in front of me”, but I wanted to talk to the pastor privately, not in a “front of the church moment”.

Well, NOBODY went up to the front. Granted, I don’t know what’s in everyone’s heart and I’m just assuming that I’m the only one that needed to go to the front, but I felt awful because here I’ve been asking God to find me a church and as soon as I get an invitation I just stand there looking down and don’t move. I felt doubt and I felt like I denied God, like Jesus was inviting me to join his kingdom and I said no. I know they do this in every other church, but the problem with today was that the guest pastor did it in such a way that made you feel GUILTY if you didn’t do what he was suggesting. The whole sermon had been on obedience, so no matter if you are shy or not, this was the moment and if I you didn’t take this opportunity to go confess God in front of the church then you were being disobedient and maybe not in his kingdom.

Maybe I’m just upset because I feel so guilty for not going up there, but I have gone up to the front many times before at other churches, so if I did it in this one it would’ve been to join, and even though I wanted to, I just wasn’t ready for this, not this way.

The worst is that I actually walked out of the church. I couldn’t stay till the end of the service and wait for everyone to come say hello and ask me if I wanted to join. I felt HORRIBLE. I walked out while they were still singing, thinking “this was my chance an now God won’t want to deal with me anymore”. I was afraid I was going to get into an accident and go to hell. I felt like I was disobedient and out of the group. I had failed God. I’m so disappointed in myself and confused. I’m wandering where exactly do I stand with God – actually I think I’m a bit afraid to know.

I went again to the Philippino church last sunday, after a breakdown on Saturday night. That breakdown brought me a breakthrough – don’t they all? I’m almost positive that Jesus spoke to me. Either that happened or I’m crazy. I always hear people say that God told them this and that and, although I believe they believe it, I don’t believe it was God speaking to them as much as it was they subconscious. That’s why I doubt my own experience, but then Sunday was miraculous. The sermon was as if GOD was SPEAKING and RESPONDING to my cry for help. It was as if He was explaining the whole situation to me (again) but in a summary through the pastor’s voice. I didn’t want to wake up early but I told Him on Sat. night that I would, so I was really going just to keep my word to Him, and HE kept his. He helped me :)

I still feel the effects of that sermon. It was necessary for me to hear it. It spoke about the EXACT experience I am going through and the WHY! It gave me hope, not just because the sermon was great but because it was GOD talking to me. I felt that God cared about me and knew who I was and that He was taking a time out for me, which confirmed my experience the night before; I think I DID hear Jesus’ voice in my mind. It was peaceful and glad, not scolding and harsh, and most strange of all, it sounded very young, even younger than me. I always think of his voice like a serious judge’s voice but this was… oh so perfect, so strange.

I’m trying to hold tight to this experience and follow His lead. I have to. Yet another goal: FOLLOW HIS LEAD.
I’m trying to redo my 43 goals.

Anyway, this was such a powerful sunday. I think I’ve found my church, even if it’s for now. It’s not what I was looking for, it doesn’t have the worship music that moves me, I still feel uncomfortable sitting there, I don’t feel like I can connect with the people that go there (different age range, different nationality…), it’s small and simple, not big and beautiful and full of people, none of those things, but the pastor, the sermons… they’ve touch my heart, so I have to keep going there. I still think about how fun it is to go to a church were I can feel entertained with the music and lights and beautiful faces in the crowd, but I have to hear God’s voice wherever he is calling me from, and right now it’s from the little church around the corner from my place, the one I can walk to and wear no makeup to.

Maybe the next thing is to talk to the pastor and get baptized. Again, from the new goal I have to add: STOP PERFECTIONISM, I can LIVE and not wait for things to be perfect. I might not belong to this church forever, but I need to belong forever to GOD.

I didn’t prepare the night before to wake up on time and get ready. I feel terrible because it’s NOT a good excuse but it is my reason. Also, I couldn’t make up my mind of where to go. I didn’t feel brave enough this morning to go to a new church by myself, and I was running late to go to the ones I have visited. The worst is that I had enough time to go to one church I like BUT it’s my “friends” church, who wants desperately for me to join.

Even though she is a christian woman, I don’t like her and I struggle with this. She is very clingy and wants to be very close to me as if we were roommates in collage. It’s been years since I was in college. She acts very immature for her age and doesn’t see anything wrong with it. She is one of those people that can’t take ANY criticism and thinks that she is more christian than any. She is always trying to bond with me and do things for me and because she is one of the very few christian women I know in this city I feel bad rejecting her. How would I explain that one to God?

So, I avoided the whole thing and didn’t go to that church either. Now I feel bad. I can’t believe my actions, or lack of. I’m not building anything, I’m wasting my life. Why can’t I just find a church like the one I had? Because I didn’t wake up early enough…that’s why. I might want to go to the church she goes to but not with her, isn’t that awful??? I say that because I want to meet new people and make new friends there. She has some friends there, she is very possessive and she would want me to join her group (who I have a feeling might feel about her the same way I do – so far everyone I know that knows her feels the same way). She has one of those “want to be your leader even if you don’t want me to” personalities. I want to be free when I go to church not feel awkward and uncomfortable.

This is all my fault for not knowing how to deal with the situation. I need to grow up myself.

- On a good note, I did watch 2.5 hors of church services on TV and I read my bible and prayed. Now I just need to DO SOMETHING with my day.

I made it today to this church that I’ve been wanting to go to for a very long time. It’s a bit far and I was very intimidated to go by myself. I’m overcoming that fear. I struggled with it most of my life, but I made it. I went. Many times throughout the service I was very tempted to get up and walk out. I don’t know what I was afraid of. I didn’t want them to call on me to say something, or to have people come over to me and try to have me join some group or try to have me open up about my problems so they can pray while I cry. That’s happen too many times to me. That might work to get some people to join but it scares some of us away. Anyway, I committed and stayed until the end. Even though I was sitting alone, no one addressed me, or called on me, or asked me who I was or to come forward if this was my first time there etc. It was a different little church. The sermon wasn’t really a standard sermon – nothing wrong with that. It was a long service and most of it was different prayers. We prayed for so many different aspects of life. That was the service. Many, many prayers for almost 2 hours. I’ve never been to a service like that. I’m so used to going to “traditional services” that I felt like this was missing something, but I know that’s not the case. In any case, this was more honest.

It’s a bit far, and I was still not very comfortable in the group. I though everyone was very real there, and simple and humble. I loved that. Still, I guess I have this need to relate to the group. It sounds terrible but I want to find “my people” – although I might not really know who those are. I guess I feel more comfortable in more formal settings. That doesn’t make it better by any means but it’s a “security thing” I have. When things are well established I feel like I can trust them and relax more, yet I KNOW one thing has NOTHING to do with the other.

I guess it’s like finding a husband _ which I haven’t been able to do either. I hope I just know when I find it. Today was a very good experience. I’m glad I did it and stayed all the way till the end. I don’t know if I’ll go back there. I’ll find one, I know it. I hope in God He’ll lead me. I think I have like 3 more to go to and then I’ll make my choice. I just want first and foremost to be in one that I believe teaches the true word of God, and where I can grow and make friends. Somewhere that becomes part of my life like work, or school. Somewhere where I can relate to the people attending and where I can get baptized.

I’m much further in my search that I thought I would go, so I’m proud of that. I’m almost there :)

So I went by myself last sunday to the one 1/2 block from me. I still want to visit 3 more I had in mind. It’s VERY convenient to just walk to the one next door, but I’m also looking for a place where I can make friends and hopefully turn into the center of my life. I need to be able to relate to the people at church. This one is a Phillippino church. Only one person wasn’t (and me). They were amazingly welcoming and sweet. I loved them, but I want a diverse church. I don’t think it’s healthy for me to go to a church where everyone is only from one nationality. It’s not my reality. Especially in LA – where nobody is from LA. And, especially if it’s not my nationality. Sometimes they start speaking in their native language and I’m like… okay, I’m in a foreign country. It’s funny. I’ll still go ‘cause it’s close, and I liked it, but if I want to be part of it, I think I should be able to relate to it. Then again, we are all God’s children, how different deep down can we all be? It’s just exterior stuff we’ve all created to feel like we belong. Oh, well… we’ll see.

I want to have a place that becomes my second home. I’ve seen people have this, where they go and become accountable, go to be close to THE ONE (God), and where they all share a common way of living, with joy. I used to visit a place like that, but I never became a member. I used to love going, especially because of the music. I went by myself for maybe 2 years. I would leave happy. But it was too far and now I’ve moved. I guess it’s like wanting to belong to a club. Church is nothing like a club, obviously… but I mean I want to find a place that makes sense, where I don’t think “these people are running a cult”. I’ve been to those places. Scary! I’m not looking for that.

I just want to belong to a church. I know I’m going to find the right one – not perfect by any means, but great for me. Most importantly, I have to believe that they are truly following the word of God. That’s probably the hardest thing. All these different interpretations, and “ways of following God” are ridiculous. That’s been one of my biggest problems. You visit different places and they all tell you something different. It gets so confusing AND terrifying because you want to follow God and all of the sudden, they have these “new” rules for you to follow so that you can say that you “really” are a Christian. I’ve been to different churches where they tell you “WE are the only ones that are going to be saved”. I don’t get that!! That is so ridiculous. Especially if you read the Bible. I forget churches are made of people, and people are not God. God is God and HE is right, us down here are barely trying to get it. I just want to follow the Bible and any other idea that’s not in there, I don’t need. What I do need is divine wisdom to find a good church, a good pastor, and a good community in which I can grow and hopefully edify others in the end. That’s my goal. Just a few more to go. I’m hoping to accomplish this (including getting baptized) this year.

Another one down. I didn’t love the atmosphere of this one but it was nice and I was curious so now I know what that one is all about. If feels a little too intimate. Maybe that’s a good idea but for now I prefer to go incognito.

I can’t believe it. I did it. I went to church. I don’t want to get discouraged if I miss one sunday but I’m going to visit a different church every sunday until I find my church home.

I like the one I just went to. I’ve been there before, but it’s still missing something.

It’s a start. A step in the right direction.

I think it’s time. I’m afraid of doing this. What if I join the wrong one. Will this get me closer to God? I’m going to start going to one I know this Sunday, and then, I’ll try every week to go to a different one close to me until I feel like I found my “home”. Not sure if going by a feeling is good either but I really have NO reference to go by – other than the word of God, but then again, that’s why I need to go, so I get to know God and His people more intimately.
I hope this one I do all the way to the end, or forever.