forgive and forget

My past came back and I was forced to face my feelings about it (instead of going on believing that I was slowly burying them). I can’t believe I still have anger inside about something that happened so long ago.

I wish I had the gift of forgiveness. A humble heart and not a proud, resentful one. I wish I could JUST LET GO! And I have let go of many things, like some of my plans to “get even” – which really were nothing against the person but something that I wanted to accomplish for myself to “show” the other person how “wonderful” I really am.

Now I doubt wanting to accomplish things because I’m afraid that it’s coming from a place of pride and God will not be happy with me.

I don’t want to waste my life… am so scare that that is what I have done :(

This is something I postpone and don’t realize how much it affects my life and keeps me from being free. I wonder if I can do this myself or if I have to go through therapy or a life coach, or a pastor. Why is it so difficult? If God wants me to do this, then HOW is it accomplished? If I pray about it every night, will it just happen?

I need to do this, not just because God says so but because it’s silly and I’m only hurting myself. I’m living for somebody else, to prove something to someone else. I need to break free and let these things go. How can these things/people have such hold on me? Why, how did I end up being this type of person. I’m compassionate yet I hold grudges. I want to move on – I think I don’t want to but I know I HAVE TO. I’m so glued to the past still. I’m not building a life. I’m stuck in SINGLE GIRLDOM. My face is aging and I’m not ready for it. It’s the fastest way to see how long you’ve lived, on your face. My face is changing and I’m just letting days go by without designing a thing.

I made so many plans, SO MANY that that’s possibly why things didn’t happen the way I wanted them to. I didn’t leave space for the unexpected, space to maneuver, to be flexible. I didn’t really think of the time line, and what this all meant without having my dad here. It’s like what the point? Why do this? For whom?