Keep living after my father's death

There are so many conversations that we still had pending, like what am I supposed to do right now with my life, or how are you feeling today, or what’s new? What a waste. You voice still needed to be heard. I needed to hear your voice. I wasn’t done, and I know you still wanted to hear mine. You probably wanted to hear excitement in my voice, you were probably expecting me to yell at you some good news, you probably just wanted to hear me, like I loved hearing you. I still hear you, I think. I see you and I visualize you, and I hope you are alive somewhere not alone and better off than when you were here. I’m not better off. Not at all. Not at all. How can I be better off? Neither is mom. We are so lost, but we are still going so you can be proud of us one day when we tell you what happened after you left. We want to be strong for you because we KNOW that’s what you would want, but we really are so broken and we can’t seem to be able to put the pieces back together. How can we? You are part of our puzzle, we are not complete without you.

I want to keep going but I’m am failing. I’m still living from the shadow of your glory. I hope there is really a heaven and that you are there, and I hope I can see you again someday and the 3 of us will be together again. I hope you made it there, and then we’ll talk some more.

So, I finally reached an age I though it was impossible to reach. Yesterday was my birhtday. I turned 35 and you didn’t get to see it. I wonder if you know about it.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life. I have a lot of ideas but no energy to accomplish anything. No inspiration, yet you still inspire me. You are still living with me. You always will. I’m not living a full life though, I really don’t think so.

I had a nice birthday. I was sad but I made the best of it, but it wasn’t truly special. It was like homework. I made the day become my birthday. I didn’t feel it though.

I miss you and mom. You made me feel special, not just on my birthday.

I hope I can find something special inside me to live for.

I love you. I had a birthday. So did you. I remembered. You were in mine – in my heart. I love you.

Happy Birthday daddy :)! Wherever you are, I hope you had a good day today. I hope you thought of me, I hope you know I though of you and kissed your picture many times. I hope you are better where you are than you were with us. I hope God hugged you today.
I miss you everyday and love you always… so much!!!
Happy Birthday LBP :)
Love,
-me

He is here with me, in my heart. HE is here. He is not gone. He is not living with me, and I have to keep living, but he is not here and yet he is not gone. HE lives in me, I guess.

How do I carry 2 lives in one now? I’m trying and I don’t want to let go – I’m NOT going to. I have to learn now how to live with him inside me, even if his soul is so far.

I miss him so much. How can he be gone when he is still here? He’ll AWAYS be here.