Beat my depression

I feel so fragile right now, like I can break any minute.

There are some demons I can’t fight.

But, even though it’s not my call to make, I believe I have suffered enough pain for one lifetime in my only 23 years on this earth.

I’m ready to feel happiness again. And for the first time; true love.

How do you cope with your lows? Or depression in general.
Do you just wait it out? Distract yourself? Socialize?

This week I’ve lost both my psychologist and my best friend. Not as in one person who function as both for me, but two separate individuals (which by the way are as different as day and night).

At the end of the session this week, my psychologist told me she was quitting her job and moving to another city. As always I feel I (and I think I do) cross a boundry if I ask her personal questions, so I kept quiet. I tried not to look too shocked or hurt, I don’t even know why I fought those feelings, because she must be kind of used to seeing me that way by now. But this time it didn’t feel right. Maybe because I wanted to protect her. Or me. Probably both of us, in my own twisted way. Of course I couldn’t hold it for long, and started crying anyway. And then I caught a glimpse of vulnerability in her eyes as well. And all I could think was “this sucks”. This sucks. She is the only one I’ve managed to open up for in years, and I’ve
felt a connection with her I haven’t been able to with any of the other therapists I’ve seen. Together we have worked out so many issues I’ve struggeled with, but we are far from there yet, and it makes me afraid and sad that this will end now. I don’t even know if she knows how much she has helped me.

And I should be grateful for all that we have achieved, and for what I’ve learnt (and hopefully learnt her some as well). But all I can feel now is emptyness. A really important person is going to disappear from my life. And yes, it does suck.

Right now my life feels like a joke.

^{The joke is on me.}

Haven’t had a depressive episode in days now :) In addition to having been working hard at school, I also feel I’m ready to do some serious effort to better my sleep. I finally realized I can’t function on 3h sleep a night anymore, especially not since I have to work all summer.

This is so weird. My mood swings in the same curves during the same times almost every day. Has anyone else experienced this?

- I went to my psychologist twice. It’s an hour and a half to drive, so it takes up a lot of time I should be spending at schoolwork. But I take the bus and try to get some reading done there. On my way home I usually end up sleeping because I get so exhausted after psychotherapy. But we are making huge progress!

- I’ve started taking omega-3. Read about research that shows it has positive effect on bipolar disorder.

- I went to the gym today, first time this year. ^{Better late than never :)}

Jewel – Good Day

I say to myself
Self, why are you awake again? It’s one a.m.
Standing with the fridge door wide open, staring
Such a sight, florescent light
The stars are bright
Might make a wish, if I believed in that shit
As it is, I might watch TV
Cause it’s nice to see people more messed up than me
I say to myself, as I smile at the wall, let myself fall

It’s gonna be all right, no matter what they say
It’s gonna be a good day, just wait and see
It’s gonna be okay, cause I’m okay with me
It’s gonna be, it’s gonna be, it’s gotta be

I shiver, shut the door
Can’t think standing here no more
I’m alone, my mine’s racing, heart breaking
Can you be everything I need you to be?
Can you protect me like a daughter?
Can you love me like a father?
Can you drink me like water?
Say I’m like the desert, just hotter.

The point of it all
Is that if I should fall
Still you’re name I’ll call

It’s gonna be all right, no matter what they say
It’s gonna be a good day, just wait and see
It’s gonna be okay, cause I’m okay with me
It’s gonna be, it’s gonna be

As long as we laugh out loud
Laugh like we’re mad
Cause this crazy, mixed up beauty is all that we have
Because what’s love but an itch we can’t scratch, a joke we can’t catch
But still we laugh

I go back upstairs, turn off the TV
You say “I’ll be okay baby, just wait and see.”

It’s gonna be all right, it’s gonna be okay
Gonna be a good day, just wait, just see
Gonna okay, cause I’m okay with me

A friend of mine had birthday today, so we went out clubbing. I bet about 10 ppl asked me how I was today, and I said “fine” to all of them. I think the truth did shine out though, I’m such a bad liar. Well, at least I was fine for a couple of hours :) I am also noticing the social phobia is disappearing bit by bit. I was sober tonight, while all my friends were drunk, and I actually think I was the most outgoing one… apart from all the drunken screaming.

One of my classmates has always this smile on his face, for no appearent reason. So I asked him today why he was always smiling. “I love life” was what he said. I love life too, it’s just that I also hate it sometimes…

but not tonight :)