I just need to get this out…. It’s 1.15am and I’m all alone except for a 43T page and I need to let this out.
I haven’t done it for months, actually I deleted his brother and sisters from my FB account so his friggin picture wouldn’t keep popping up to stare back at me. When we first broke up I deleted him from my ‘friends’ and about a week later I went to look him up… I guess so I could see his face as by then everything I had of him was removed from my sight… and he’d changed his profile picture…
(I would like to point out that i am FULLY aware of how pathetic and childish all of this may seem but the pain it caused / causes is more than real)
...He changed his picture from one that I took of him a weekend we went away to some picture of a suitcase he had on there before we started dating….. I felt sick, the kind of sick that causes a hot prickly flush of sick faint flush feeling to speed across your chest and down your arms and up your neck…..
So I stopped looking him up…. to me the picture change set off a panic attack and made me think he hated me and was trying to erase me….
So over the last months I have gradually deleted his family as it is too tempting to me to look D up and stalk him…. but I kept his friend P on there. His friend P was a guy who was into photography, who I met the same night D’s sister and I went for a drink and met D out for his 30th Birthday. P moved to London and came to work with me for a couple of jobs before D and I ever were anything. D was with someone else.
Anyway, I just went on P’s page on FB, nosy, stupid, not sure…maybe because I know I’m going to see him in NY in a couple of weeks… so I went on his page and then looked through his wall posts to see if there was anything there from D… nothing since the end of August which indicated D was going to visit P in NY later that week…. (I digress – sorry) when I didn’t see anything from D I for some reason looked at all P’s friends just so I could see D’s name… and there it was and he’d changed his picture!!! Back to the one I took of him the very fist night we met… and IT HIT ME AGAIN…
that HOT FLUSH SICK PRICKLY OH MY GOD I CANT STOP MY TEARS FEELING…. I’m 34 FFS… why am I getting upset over a picture….
Of course my brain went zooming…
Maybe he’s feeling better and back on FB flirting and having fun – he’s really over me
Maybe he’s dating someone again and is happy, hence has a smiley happy picture of himself up there
Does he even ever think of me?
Did he click that was the picture I took the first night we met?
Do thoughts of me torment him like the ones of him do me?
The torture of not speaking to him drives me crazy. I know I sent him the email and told him how I feel but I got close to nothing back, there was no conversation, no chance to have my questions answered, no chance to be told how he felt / feels about me… and it’s driving me crazy still. It’s almost 9 months and I still cry most days…
I don’t understand how you can love someone one day and then put the phone down saying it’s not going to work and literally never speak to them again…. Nothing, not even a chance for a discussion or some closure… NOTHING!! I CEASE TO EXIST
The same thing happened with my dad 5 years ago… went from loving me and being kind and wonderful to cutting me out of his life….
All rationality and years of therapy shouts in my mind and says it’s THEIR issue, but the emotion and pain says it’s me… there’s something about me that makes people love me one minute… and then leave. Not just leave and “let’s be friends”… but LEAVE… and cut me out like I never existed.
I don’t know what the point is…. I don’t understand… Why would I be made with so much love and stuff to give someone… wanting so much to give someone and have no-one come my way for 10 years… then D comes and I let him in… and he leaves…. Loves me and leaves…. tells me when he does, that it’s not me, it’s him, he’s mad about me but he has to be true to himself and sort himself out…
Why would God make me with so much to give and no-ONE to give it to…
I know it sounds selfish and I make alot of people happy with what I do and give to alot of people, and there are lots of people who think I’m great and love me blah blah blah… but that seems like nothing as I don’t have that one person… I dont have that one person who is mine, who loves me like D used to. Why give him to me and then take him away…. He was my first ‘ONE’, I waited, I hurt for years, I wasn’t looking and he came into my life and I felt like I’d won the lottery….
He was cute and funny and loved life and cheeky and sexy and passionate about so many things, we were comfortable in each others presence from day one… we felt natural… we were meant to be… Please God we were meant to be…….
I’d prayed for so long to have someone like him.. and he exceeded my prayers and then… he leaves…. Why the F* would God or whomever do that… why bring him into my life and let me love and be loved and take him away….?
The pain is so raw right now… I just don’t get it…
