Im seeing a hypnotherapist every few weeks to see if we can change my wiring which seeing me hating myself, believing my lack of worth.
It upsets me that I dislike myself so much that it has held me back from reaching my potential, be loved by others in a way I can feel…
I hate hating myself it’s been a life long belief and I cant see how it will ever change.
My feeling of wellbeing comes from people loving me / liking me…. I know thats wrong, as my mood can lift / shift / descend into misery in one email / call ( or lack of). More than anything I know this is what i have to work on otherwise trying to look after myself and live a fulfilling life is meaningless if I dont think I’m worth looking after / creating a good life for….
The thought I dislike, love myself so little upsets me alot…
Learning to love myself…..
I wanted a tattoo a long time ago, was going to get a Lotus flower to symbolise coming through troubles “A lotus is a flower that grows in the mud, the thicker and deeper the mud, the more beautiful the lotus grows”.... However…
I just got this tattoo….. LIVE LOVE BE
LIVE – Because I have to Live, to honour my brothers life and his struggle to fight to live… i cant throw away something that is so precious that he would have given anything to have…
LOVE – Because I have been rejected and hurt and emotionally battered by many including myself… and I have to keep loving, and risk loving and being loved….
BE – Because I want to focus on the NOW as that’s all there really is, and just BE, in whatever state that might BE, just BE…
So here’s my tattoo…
This is a challenge. I need to get a grip on this goal as all I seem to hear is myself being really hard on me and beating myself up. But I don’t want any more excuses. No more well I cant do this because I’ve had a shit 4 years…. I need to start taking account and start loving myself now… but how do I do that? Any ideas?
I dont know what it is going to take for me to care about myself enough to look after myself.
To think I’m worth it; to think I’m worth looking after.
To look after my health, to make the most of being alive and my health whilst my brother fights for his.
I don’t know what it is going to take. The only time in my life I ever seemed to think I was truly OK was when I had someone who thought I was great….. not the 100’s of people who love my work or like what I do for them as a friend, the support I give, the love I spread…. (incidentally so that people love me and think I”m great) but thought I was great and loved me…. I thought I was okay… and so did he. Now he doesn’t…. and I don’t know why. But neither do I anymore. And yes I know you can all tell me I have to love myself and no-one can do that for me, but if you could just tell me how then that would be great thanks.
How do you believe you’re okay / worth it… I just don’t. I don’t know why I don’t but I don’t. At the best of times I don’t, but looking forward I don’t see my life getting any better. I cant see how I will ever love myself. I don’t know how to build my worth. I don’t think I have the energy to do so.
At the best of times I don’t love myself… but now it’s hard. If I had the courage I’d end it all…. but I know my mother and grandmother would be devastated, it would finish the two of them off. And my best friend would be pissed off too…. but it’s hard work to fight to not hate yourself enough to just quit.
I guess you could say today is not a good day….
Im feeling SO insecure right now….
I feel fat and unhealthy
Im tired and have so little motivation
D never called / emailed about Christopher
Not sure if DD likes me any more, fearing rejection already
Today I’m ready to quit. I know I cant but I really want to…
I’m over all this crap.
You know sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get there… if I’ll ever learn to love myself. Every time I get close…. something else happens. I know Christopher’s situation should have nothing to do with how I feel about myself but for some reason it does…
So VERY far away from this goal right now….
... right now I’m closer to real hardcore dislike or disgust towards myself…
it’s easier right now to list the things i DONT love about myself than the things I do or did…
Damn it I’m still so broken.
Its almost like now I dont have him loving me, I cant love me….
I dont want my love of mysef to be tied to someone else but I cant let him go… and he doesnt want me… so however rationally I know it’s wrong, I have nothing to care about me for.
I know thats dismissive of friends and family that care about me, but somehow none of that matters because he doesnt want me in his life.
Not doing too well with this today… everything is seeming like an uphill struggle. I am ‘faking it’ til I make it but my energy runs out by the end of the day…
I have really been neglecting this goal, or fighting it, for the last week or so. Although I said I was ready to almost cross this off, and I still think I am, my default setting is NOT loving myself. So when I get scared or hurt or rejected or down, my default kicks in and says whats the point of loving yourself….. no one else does. This default doenst win that often now-a-days but I think the final stealing of hope that were there the texts fro D pushed me over the edge. And I felt what was the point.
But I KNOW thats not true. And I know I just needed to allow myself to feel that way for a while, like my lovely friend LGS said. But it is time I stopped the pity party and wallowing in my own ‘woe is me’. I feel uncomfortable with the concept of loving myself ( but that is a whole new issue!) but I’m going to try to anyway.
I need to kick my own ass and move on to at least TRYING to love myself. I tried everything to get on and move on from D. Not 100% there but am better than when we first split in March. So I will try to love myself more. I think as I said in a previous post I need to be kinder to myself, look after myself and the 1st thing that has to change is my eating…right now I have gained so much, not caring what I do to my body and again that is not right on SO many levels.
So I am just stating it here, that I’m going to try acting like I love myself or care about myself until hopefully it becomes a reality. I know getting back on track with my eating will help….but also a few other things. Things I need to be held accountable for in the loving and caring for myself mission>
Going to bed at a reasonable time
Keeping my house / office / bedroom clean – daily
Taking time to wash, moisturise and take care over my appearance.
I think that is a good enough start.