learn to love myself

So VERY far away from this goal right now….
... right now I’m closer to real hardcore dislike or disgust towards myself…

it’s easier right now to list the things i DONT love about myself than the things I do or did…

Damn it I’m still so broken.

Its almost like now I dont have him loving me, I cant love me….

I dont want my love of mysef to be tied to someone else but I cant let him go… and he doesnt want me… so however rationally I know it’s wrong, I have nothing to care about me for.

I know thats dismissive of friends and family that care about me, but somehow none of that matters because he doesnt want me in his life.

Not doing too well with this today… everything is seeming like an uphill struggle. I am ‘faking it’ til I make it but my energy runs out by the end of the day…

I have really been neglecting this goal, or fighting it, for the last week or so. Although I said I was ready to almost cross this off, and I still think I am, my default setting is NOT loving myself. So when I get scared or hurt or rejected or down, my default kicks in and says whats the point of loving yourself….. no one else does. This default doenst win that often now-a-days but I think the final stealing of hope that were there the texts fro D pushed me over the edge. And I felt what was the point.

But I KNOW thats not true. And I know I just needed to allow myself to feel that way for a while, like my lovely friend LGS said. But it is time I stopped the pity party and wallowing in my own ‘woe is me’. I feel uncomfortable with the concept of loving myself ( but that is a whole new issue!) but I’m going to try to anyway.

I need to kick my own ass and move on to at least TRYING to love myself. I tried everything to get on and move on from D. Not 100% there but am better than when we first split in March. So I will try to love myself more. I think as I said in a previous post I need to be kinder to myself, look after myself and the 1st thing that has to change is my eating…right now I have gained so much, not caring what I do to my body and again that is not right on SO many levels.

So I am just stating it here, that I’m going to try acting like I love myself or care about myself until hopefully it becomes a reality. I know getting back on track with my eating will help….but also a few other things. Things I need to be held accountable for in the loving and caring for myself mission>

Eating well
Exercising
Going to bed at a reasonable time
Keeping my house / office / bedroom clean – daily
Taking time to wash, moisturise and take care over my appearance.

I think that is a good enough start.

I genuinely think I’m getting there with this goal. And no this is not because I am or have woken up this morning feeling great or even ok. Ironically I feel heavy hearted and sad. But the reason why I know I’m getting close to saying I’m done with this, is my current mood would ordinarily result in me spending hours, even days, beating myself up, thinking I’m a bad horrid unlovable person ( this is the point I’m still sticking on given the D situation still). But I know that’s not the case. I know it’s not me, it’s just the way life is at times.

I know there are the contradictions with me at times asking myself, what’s wrong with me, why am I alone and single, but then for the first time in my 34 years I am also somehow secure in the knowledge that I AM a good, loving, kind person. And I’m OK as a person.

Like I say I have my moments, but I know that I’m almost there. As I said in my letter to D, I’m the most secure and self-confident ( genuinely ) than I have ever been.

I think part of this goal (or maybe a separate one ) of loving oneself, is also looking after oneself. Being kind, giving myself a break (Im constantly hearing from friends that I’m too hard on myself), reminding myself of all the good things about me.

I just wanted to write the entry here, in Black + White for those times when I occasionally slip back into the not loving myself so much part of me.

Im going to try and look at myself as I would do a friend and do for myself all the things I would / do do for the people in my life….

So today I managed to look in the mirror and think I had a pretty face. The dialogue that immediately took place in my head was a fight saying ” you cant say that! how arrogant to say you’re beautiful to yourself! you cant say you’re lovable and someone might be lucky to have you”

But the other voice won today and today i think I have a pretty face… and there’s nothing wrong with admitting that!!