find balance in my life

....and no play
...and no self love

This week has been out of whack completely. I have been working and nothing more. Even though I love work I have ignored my every other need and I’m now left angry and wound up and stressed.

NOT HAPPY. I need to get some balance back all the while accomplishing ALOT and looking after myself. Is this even possible?!

I feel my heart is about to go into lock down… I am swinging from one extreme to another. It is too scary right now to find the balance between the two. I can give love to those I already have in my life, but being open to anyone new, or anyone who could hurt me is not an option for me right now. I am scared that it may never be an option again. I don’t want to feel this sadness or hurt again.

I know that this current emotional state is not balanced, but after hearing from D this week, experiencing the grief that it REALLY IS over (almost like for the first time i really HEARD the words) I just cant take any more pain. Every time I feel a new rejection, or worry of rejection it drags up the multitude of past hurts. In my mind I have moved on, i can see things rationally and have looked and seemingly dealt with many issues over the years, but each hurt presses a button so deep down inside of me that the tears flow uncontrollably these days without an off tap.

Perhaps I need to sit in my grief and really cry it out for as long as I need… but that is not balanced either.
And I’m worried I’ll never stop feeling down and waste my life and never accomplish anything. I have so much I want to see and do and experience but my current unbalanced emotional state is not conducive to maintain anything positive or productive for too long, as the positivity is forced alot of the time. Fake it until you make it and all that shit!

I would say my progress on this goal is that I now have less of an outward expression of unbalanced emotion ( good at faking it or shutting up and just expressing it on here and not to every person I meet) as now it is more just the internal tug of war between my head and heart, my black and white sides…) I need to find this balance but right now it’s a struggle.

All or nothing
Angry or sad
Uptight or…. uptight!

I dont know what is wrong (well maybe i do but dont want to go there as it hurts) but I’m swinging from one extreem to the other.

I cant talk to my friends as I either moan and bite their head off or say nothing
I dont want to talk about D as I may never stop crying and it might break me again
I dont want to cry but I have a permanent lump in my throat
I feel ungrateful and bitter and angry and just plain miserable

I hate the fact that I can swing from upbeat and positive to so low and dark.
I would like to settle for a shade of grey…. I am currently fighting to find that balance but feel like I’m trudging through a lake of dark muddy sinking sand…

Maybe it’s just one of those days!

According to my therapist, I’m getting there with this goal. Especially in my thinking, but I definitely need more balance in my life when it comes to What I do with my day. Splitting my time between walking the dog, me time, work, play time, etc is not happening. Currently my life is walk the dog and work and exhaustion!